Has this ever happened to you?
I’m sitting here on a quiet Saturday afternoon, puttering around (after putting away a pedestrian Potter publication) and it hits me. Wave after wave of the blackest, most overwhelming despair wells up from out of the inky depths of what passes for my soul. There’s no real reason for it, other than perhaps hunger and fatigue and a bit of loneliness… but not enough of either or all to warrant such a horrendous outpouring of inner turmoil and self-loathing.
Wow.
A couple handsful of oyster crackers (the last thereof, sadly) and an hour’s nap was enough to bring me back to something resembling sanity, or at least normalcy. Yes, I’m feeling much better now.
Here’s what I think: I think I’m starting to get better, starting to really look forward to the future (even if the good parts are too damned far away yet!) and therefore starting to loosen my ironclad grip on the pain I’ve been burying inside all my life.
This is a good thing, right?
Yeah, except when the pain rises up and demands its share of my time. Talk about “double-plus ungood,” baby. Mood swings? How about mood merry-go-rounds? Mood slides? Mood see-saws? I’ve got ’em all.
Unfortunately I managed to fire off a really horrid piece of writing during the depths of today’s episode, and I’d just like to let those few who saw it know that I’m really perfectly okay, if a bit rattled. I could use a hug, but that’s about all I need right now.
That, and a decent meal. Yes indeed. Hunger is not our friend. But that’s a rant for another day, or another venue.
Comments
5 responses to “The Whole Mood Playground”
{hug}
I’d provide a real one if we weren’t on opposite coasts…
I just go day by day when that sort of black mood hits me, wish I had something better than that to tell you.
I get like that all the time, man, and it doesn’t help when you are hungry and tired. I think its all humna nature to sink into depression every now and then, just like it is to pull yourself back out because after awhile your body rebels against it. Food and a nap really help, too. 🙂
Mood slides…I like that. I am subject to those too. Often for no reason and usually when I have too much stuff to do on the way to doing more stuff still. Just when I can not take the time to just let it bury me and dig myself out they hit me. So I use all the energy I have to try to swim and float on the surface until it stops and then I rest. Then I know when I go to sleep I won’t wake up a hundred times and be too tired to go back to sleep.
For what it’s worth. I’ve been there. It seems like everytime I come back from my annual two week obligation to the reserves, I fall apart. Much in the same way you describe. It takes me days to get back together. My suspicion is being overworked, and doing alot of emotional suppression takes it’s toll. I usually try and fix it by spending time with friends. Being alone only makes it worse.
Must be something in the air…but I haven’t managed to find that “get better” part yet. Le sigh.