One of the joys associated with getting over a head cold is that of sucking down cough drops like they’re Easter candy. (Wait, is Easter coming up? Maybe I need some chocolate eggs…) I bought a bag of Halls cough drops months ago during my last cold outbreak but only this week did I notice something a bit… silly… about the wrappings.

“A PEP TALK IN EVERY DROP ™”

Yes, like so many companies afflicted with a bad case of “savvy marketing,” Halls have stuck little motivational blurbs onto the wrapper of each individual lozenge. Isn’t that adorable?

“You can do it and you know it.”

You can dance if you want to. You can leave your friends behind. Especially the friends who are hacking up a lung because they’re suffering a cold.

“Be unstoppable.”

I’m more likely to be Ron Stoppable at this point.

“You’ve survived tougher.”

Tougher what? Could you vague that up a bit for me?

“Push on!”

Shove off.

“Inspire envy.”

While I’m sniffling, sneezing, and horking every few minutes, I might turn people a bit green but it won’t be with envy, I assure you.

“Don’t give up on yourself.”

Don’t quit your day job.

“Put your game face on.”

I guess that depends on the game. Settlers of Catan? Borderlands 2? Game of Thrones?

“Don’t waste a precious minute.”

Fear not: I only waste the worthless minutes, the ones nobody really liked or wanted anyway. Screw them.

And my personal favorite:

“Turn ‘can do’ into ‘can did’!”

NO. THAT ISN’T EVEN GOOD GRAMMAR. SHUT UP. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT *froth* *rage* *cough* *wheeze* *reaches for a cough drop*

… well played, Halls. Well played.

 

(Addendum: Another cough drop, another head-to-desk moment.)

“Don’t try harder. Do harder!”

That’s what she said.