Are you infected? I didn’t think I was, but you can’t be too safe in this day and age.

Let’s pause for a moment to admire the absurdity of the phrase “this day and age.” Thank you.

Anyway, I took the Human Virus Scanner and here’s what it had to say about my infections:

Viruses you suffer from:

Pokemon – Pikachu! Use your hyper-electric-get-a-life move now!

Linux – Install the latest version of Microsoft Windows. Learn to love it.

USA – Rule, Britannia! Britannia rule the waves! [repeat]

Junkfood – Eat some real food. Something which you can identify the source of every ingredient, not the point of manufacture.

Free BSD – The GPL isn’t that bad really. Adopt a penguin at the zoo.

Sci-fi – Stop wearing the stick-on ears.

8-Bit – Polygons, all the polygons you can get are not enough.

Japan – Big is good. Small is bad. Giant robots would not make a good last line of defence for Earth.

Politics – Stop caring!

Hippyism – Free love is passe and potentially dangerous, and patchouli smells like cat piss.

Environmentalism – Consume more stuff! It’s easier to buy new stuff than to recycle.

Macintosh – Use a mouse with more than one button.

Viruses you might suffer from:

Industrial (70%) – Everyone likes folk. No, really. Maybe you should listen to the Incredible String Band.

UNIX (90%) – Anything this old must be obselete. Go and install a nice modern operating system. I hear MSDOS has come a long way lately.

Brand Names (80%) – Having a well-known name doesn’t make it good.

X11 (60%) – I hear Mac OS 10 Aqua is nice at this time of year.

Computer Games (90%) – Stop staring at the screen and get some fresh air. You should see a doctor about the RSI in your thumbs.

Prog Rock (60%) – Long hair looks dumb with a bald spot. Listen to CD’s they don’t crackle.

Ack! I didn’t know it was that bad… I need professional help, and fast!