I startled myself a few days ago with a simple realization. It’s not one that leaps readily to mind when I look back at my relationship history, considering the years during which I had no idea what I was doing as well as that ugly stretch of time when I wasn’t quite the model of a responsible partner. Perhaps, then, it’s not such a surprise that I didn’t think of this sooner…

I have been in one committed primary romantic relationship or another almost continuously since I was about 19 years old.

Let’s set aside just how committed I was at any given time; I don’t make a big secret of the fact that I didn’t do a very good job of it for the bulk of my marriage, so we don’t need to delve into that here. The important part is that I don’t know what it’s like to be a mature adult and not be in a primary partnership arrangement. Is this normal? Don’t most people go through on-and-off cycles or something like that? Maybe I’m just naïve but it seems like I’ve led a peculiar life in this specific regard.

What does all of this mean, then, given my current situation?

My first thought is that I should spend time being Just Me. Not that I was going to run out and dive straight into another big romantic entanglement anyway, but now I’m certain that taking a bit of a sabbatical before my next one is a Very Good Idea. I’ll grant you that certain aspects of my current life make that plan more palatable than it might be for most other people, but that’s one of the benefits of the path I chose and the person I’ve worked to become over the past half-dozen years or so.

Following up on that thought is that I’ve reinforced my belief that I need to spend some time taking stock of who I am, what I value and where my boundaries are. My relationship style has long relied on being reasonable when I can be; in the future I want to be certain that I don’t cross the line between “reasonable” and “doormat.” (Not, mind you, that I’m saying I’ve been a doormat up to this point. I’m talking about assessing the big picture, not pointing fingers or engaging in self-recrimination.)

On the flipside of that, I also need to get a firm grip on what sets off my anger, what kind of things I should get angry over and which (of course) I shouldn’t. Much of the problems and baggage I contribute to a relationship stem from my temper triggers, and I’d like to repeat as few of those mistakes in the future as possible. (The idea is to avoid repeating old mistakes so you have the time to make all new ones, after all!)

Of course, I also need to make certain that I don’t let inertia rule my future. You can imagine how easy it would be for me to go into full-on hermit mode. I don’t think I need to take after my father in that particular respect, do you? Besides, if I don’t (eventually) get out there and put all of this planning and introspection to good use, what’s the point?

Deep thoughts for a train ride home. I think I’ll do something light and fun when I get home. (Have I mentioned yet that my laptop is awesome, by the way?)