I know, I know. Other than the occasional meme, work rant or silly link, I haven’t been posting much here. Call it an “off month” if you like. Maybe my subconscious wants to rest up before tackling NaNoWriMo.
Yeah, that’s a workable excuse. *snicker*
So what’s really been going on in my life? The short version would be: Work Eat Sleep Sadness Laughter Doldrums Sex Frustration Disappointment Hope Lather Rinse Repeat.
The AS/400 project is completed at last, Marconi and his entourage have moved to Seattle, and we’re now gearing up for reconstruction at the office so we can move KWJJ and KOTK into our facility. Work, in other words, is pretty much back to normal: Always in flux, always the same.
Things at home are tense, most days. You don’t easily or lightly dismantle a twelve year relationship. There’s more than enough bitterness and frustration to go around, and it goes around and around quite a bit. The kids are doing well enough, but then again I haven’t moved out yet.
Outside work and the home there’s not much I’m ready to talk about yet. This isn’t the time, and isn’t yet the place. There’s considerable hope for the future, but that future will be some time coming yet. I’m the lucky one in this regard, at least, since I have friends here in town who are looking out for me.
Now all I have to do is the most difficult thing I could ever imagine: Packing up and leaving my family. It may not happen soon, but then again it might. And it hurts like hell, and scares me to death, and I still need to do it. I can’t live in limbo, I just can’t. It’s as if I died months ago and my body doesn’t know it yet, you know?
The next trick will be learning to live with myself afterward. If I can.
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4 responses to “I’m not dead… I feel fine…”
If it is any consolation, Doug is going through the break up of a 10 year relationship and, while it’s hard, heis doing OK… I think it is because he has family and friends that support and love him…
I know it’s hard, but I have faith in you and what you’re doing and why… I am sending lots of warm thoughts and hugs your way…
For what it’s worth, I am totally there for you, love… Vlad, too – but i don’t know if he knows that…
Good friends indeed. Now we just need to /see/ each other more often! The Internet is both a means of connecting and a reminder of distance all at once. *sigh*
Vlad’s in basically the same position… As soon as you figure out how to do it, can you let him in on the secret, too? Sigh… I love the man, but sometimes he’s hopeless…
I’ll let him know… And let Doug know that I’m right there with him… Husband and my relationship was 10 years as well… It’s been quite hellish separating, but I’m doing ok since everyone around me has been so supportive, too. Thank the Goddess for good friends!