I knew I should’ve grabbed the Neuros on my way out the door, but I thought (stupidly enough) that I wasn’t really in the mood for music, and it might be nice to soak in the ambient noises of a downtown Monday morning.

Oh, sure, it was nice enough… until I boarded the other bus, the one that drops me off near work. The only comfortably available seat was on the back bench, right behind some loudmouthed yo-yo who was trying, and continued trying, to impress the skanky ditz seated across the aisle. Gee, I can’t imagine why nobody else wanted that bit of prime real estate. Not that it mattered where one sat, ‘cause everyone on the bus was privy to every word of the conversation. To hear this guy tell it, he’s the gods’ own gift to humanity in general and womankind in particular. And it’s not like anyone on the bus could avoid hearing him tell it, unless they happened to be in possession of (for instance) a personal stereo device… like my abandoned Neuros.

Mind you, the tramp wasn’t much better. She just didn’t get as much air time, ‘cause the obnoxious doofus in front of me could not shut up for more than a minute at a time.

The potentially-amusing part is that neither of them was actually listening to the other. The guy would go on about how (for instance) he was “so proud” of the way he dumped some girl who cheated on him, then the girl would relate some small anecdote from her life, then the guy went back to talking about himself some more, and so on. I heard lots of talking and almost no communicating. I’d have been genuinely amused had I not been so incredibly annoyed.

I spent the entire third of an hour on that bus wishing I possessed fantastical powers so I could pull a Darth Vader on that jerkwad. Seriously.

*PK grip on the throat* “Hey, kid. If you want to impress her that badly, why don’t you go sit next to her and carry on a conversation at polite sound levels?”

“[garbled noises sounding rather like disparaging commentary on my parentage]”

“I don’t think you have a very firm…” *squeeze* “…grasp…” *harder squeeze* “…on the situation. Are you absolutely certain that you won’t reconsider my generous offer? That would be the offer to let you live as long as you shut your trap, by the way. Do you think you can do that?”

*vigorous nodding, face turning various colors*

“I’m glad we understand one another.” *release* *looking around* “Anyone else?”

See what I mean? I’d be the tyrant of public transit. Of course, if I had that kind of power, would I be riding the bus in the first place? Perhaps not…