(I warn you now: I’m running on about two hours’ worth of sleep. I offer no guarantees regarding the amount of sense this post will make.)
At the very core of my being is a tight, burning coil of bitter self-loathing. If there’s a single event or series of circumstances in my childhood that caused it, I can’t recall in the slightest. It seems as though it’s always been there, but that seems somewhat unlikely. Then again, a trained psychologist I am not.
This angry part of me never goes completely away, though I can often forget about it when things are going well. The slightest mishap or fumble can bring it out again, and heaven help me when I really screw something up. I even picked up a mantra somewhere along the way: “never stop screaming.”
We’re not talking about the “ow I’m in pain” kind of screaming. We’re talking the screams of someone who’s looked pure insanity right in the face and hasn’t so much lived to tell about it as barely escaped with a shred of humanity left. The screams don’t come out of my mouth, but are instead echoed in my consciousness.
Yeah, the inside of my mind is a wacked-out place. I thought you knew that already.
In a weird sort of way, life was much easier when I didn’t care about myself or like myself. But now I have a problem. See, I’m actually starting to like me. I have good points: I’m a basically likeable person, at least to enough people to make socializing worthwhile. I possess an above-average intellect. I am caring and compassionate, at least more often than not. (I’m not always perceptive, but we’re not listing my faults here.) I have a fairly good sense of humor. There are probably a few other good points, but we’re not going for a complete list here. The real gist of this is that it’s a fundamental shift in my character to be able to acknowledge any of my good traits.
I was chatting with someone yesterday and the subject of positive mindsets came up. My take on it is something like this: If you have a “can deal” attitude, you’re better equipped to take the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and turn them either aside or to your advantage in some way. I would not be where I am today if I hadn’t adopted a positive mindset to at least some degree.
But now I have a fight on my hands. That very mindset is starting to bump directly into that core of bitter self-hatred, and the struggle between my better and baser impulses is enough to tear my psyche to shreds.
I fell down badly, metaphorically speaking, twice in as many days. The first time was somewhat mitigated by later events, but the second time I felt absolutely awful… and I couldn’t assert my positive thinking in time to counteract the self-loathing. Even after I’d started to get a handle on myself, it was too late to get a decent night’s sleep, as I had a battle to fight that occupied my mind for hours.
I’m not posting this to get advice or sympathy. I’m posting it because I believe it’s part of my growth as a person to be able to share this sort of pain instead of burying it deep inside like I’ve always done in the past. I believe it’s part of a change for the better.
And becoming “better” is the ongoing struggle of my life.
