Author: Karel Kerezman

  • The Job Interview: A snippet of storytelling

    I’ve had this scene knocking about in my skull for a couple of months now, and I finally couldn’t resist jotting it down. Piece by piece, I’m fleshing out the world that my alter-ego inhabits, and what you see here is the closest I’m likely to get to an “origin” story. (Deal with it.)

    No, this doesn’t count against my NaNo. I’m not a cheater!

    The Job Interview

    “Well. Everything seems to be in order, here. Yes, your file looks very promising. You’ve shown imagination, determination and strength of character. I think you may become a valuable asset to our organization.”

    “Thank you, sir.”

    “I must pose some questions, if you don’t mind.”

    “Not at all.”

    “You’re going to live for a very long time, by normal human standards. Are you prepared to deal with that?”

    The applicant paused briefly before answering, “Absolutely.”

    “You had to think about that. Perhaps you’d care to go into detail as to why.” This clearly wasn’t a request.

    “You asked a very serious question. It deserved more than just a glib answer, but I didn’t want to belabor the point. My answer stands: I’m absolutely prepared to deal with the baggage that comes with an extended lifespan.”

    “Fair enough. How about this: Can one person change the world?”

    “Of course. What they can’t do is change the people in it at least not without crossing what I consider to be serious ethical boundaries.”

    Behind his polished wooden desk, the interviewer slowly leaned back in his chair. The two men weren’t actually sitting in a real, opulent, top-floor downtown office, but only one of them could tell the difference. The other still lacked the power to do so. It was the other’s agility of thought and grasp of certain realities that the interviewer was tasked with discerning.

    He decided on a new line of questioning. “You’re going to die eventually, you know. This job isn’t a ”˜get out of death free’ pass.”

    “Of course it isn’t. Everything and everyone goes, eventually.”

    “You’re awfully relaxed about that.”

    “Why shouldn’t I be? No matter what, I’ll live longer than any normal person. This is a dream job, almost literally.”

    The interviewer smiled and asked, “How so?”

    “You’re letting me correction, offering to let me play God, within certain set boundaries. I can do almost anything, anywhere, to anyone or create any scenario I see fit, as long as I don’t manipulate certain kinds of events or directly tinker with anyone’s mind. Since I’m not interested in the contents of anyone’s psyche, this isn’t a problem for me. So, what’s not to like?”

    “Death. Failure. Frustration. Cunning adversaries. The general unfairness and hostility of the universe.”

    “You’re quoting, there, aren’t you?”

    “I’m allowed.”

    The interviewee indicated his acceptance of that with a shrug and a wry smile. “I already knew about all of that before I came here. What more should I be afraid of? I notice you didn’t mention boredom.”

    “We don’t bring in people who are prone to boredom.”

    “”˜We were never bored because we were never boring,’ indeed. So, what else?”

    “Love.”

    “Come again?”

    “You heard me.”

    That earned a long pause. “Let me see if I can suss this out. What you’re saying is that I’m going to need the ability to handle falling in love with someone, knowing that I’ll outlive them by centuries.”

    “If not millennia, yes. Go on.”

    “And even if they’re long-lived, there’s the chance that the relationship will go sour and I’ll have to deal with an ex-girlfriend, possibly even a hostile ex. Actually, over time I suppose I could collect quite a few of those.”

    “Likely. Did you know that you can be rather abrasive at times?”

    “You’re not the first to notice. Let’s see there’s also the chance that I could end up juggling romances across any number of facets of the cosmos. That’s a lot of work, right there.”

    “Indeed.”

    “So what’s the problem?”

    The interviewer quirked an eyebrow. “Can you handle all of that?”

    “What’s to handle? Yes, I admit I have a particular weakness. I also, however, know better than to let my reach surpass my grasp by too much. I know what’s important in life, and I know how to multitask and prioritize. The real trick, though, is in having high standards.”

    “Oh?”

    “Yes. I won’t get involved with anyone who isn’t intelligent enough, emotionally centered enough and has a strong enough grip on reality to deal with me on my level. They also have to be comfortable with the fact that they’re not the only love of my life.” He paused. “Maybe that sounds conceited to you.”

    “It does, but a certain amount of conceit is useful in our line of work. You know you’re going to make mistakes, don’t you?”

    “Of course I am. And even when I meet the perfect woman and we hit it off beautifully, two centuries along or so we may have become entirely different people. Nothing stays completely the same forever, especially a human being. I think that should add some zest and flair to my existence, in fact.”

    “Could you kill her if she became enough of a threat?”

    The interviewee blinked and went perfectly still. “I Hmm. I don’t know. Sorry, but that’s the best I can do. I won’t know until I get there.”

    Standing up and coming around to the front of the desk, the interviewer said with a smile, “Don’t worry. You’re not supposed to have all the answers. One of the requirements for the job is recognizing and admitting when you don’t know something, even about yourself.”

    “Especially about oneself, I’d think.”

    “Very true. So. Welcome aboard.”

    They shook hands to seal the applicant’s fate for the next several millennia.

    “Well then,” the interviewer asked, “Would you like to go out for a drink?”

    “Sorry,” Andrew replied. “You’re not my type. I thought that was in my file.”

    “It never hurts to ask.”

  • Random Sunday Tidbits

    • On the bag containing my Radio Shack purchase today: “You’ve got ambition. We’ve got positions.” My immediate reaction: “So bend over and quit yer complainin’.”
    • Happy Bunny can start conversations. A (quite pretty) young lady was walking by my table at the mall (I was noshing on some Arby’s for lunch after my stop at The Shack) and I noticed a Happy Bunny button on the strap of her shoulderbag, so I waved her over to get a better look. What did it read? “Wow you’re ugly.” We had a good laugh about that, and away she went.
    • After years spent not making “mix tapes,” it turns out I still have the knack. The fifteen tracks of my personal soundtrack (listed a couple of entries down) fit almost perfectly on a CD. Damn, I’m good.
    • My artistic endeavors are coming together nicely. I’ve found the right music for my next AMV (gee, it’s only been a couple of years since my last one), I’ve done the soundtrack thing, and my concept for NaNo is coming together nicely. It’s good to be on a roll for a change! (gee, it’s only been a couple of years since…)

    And that’s the news that fits, for now.

  • Would you? Would you really? What about you?

    First Mari (who got it from elsewhere) did it, then Lil’ did it, then Dawn did it… and the first two of them added questions, and I came up with three additional questions myself. Why? Because I’m a big ol’ sucker, that’s why.

    Of course, now you have the option of answering it for me, if you so choose:

    Would you…

    ( ) go out with me?
    ( ) give me your number?
    ( ) let me kiss you?
    ( ) have sex with me?
    ( ) play an SM scene with me? (This is part of the original list, but you don’t have to answer this one since it’s not really applicable…)
    ( ) watch a movie with me… even a really sappy one?
    ( ) let me take you out to dinner?
    ( ) drive me somewhere/anywhere?
    ( ) take a shower with me?
    ( ) be my gf/bf?
    ( ) have a fling with me?
    ( ) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
    ( ) buy me a drink if I didn’t have money?
    ( ) take me home for the night?
    ( ) let me sleep in your bed?
    ( ) sing car karaoke with me?
    ( ) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn’t want to go alone?
    ( ) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
    ( ) cook dinner for me?
    ( ) brush my hair?
    ( ) wash my hair?
    ( ) hold my hand in public?
    ( ) take a road-trip with me?
    ( ) rub my feet?
    ( ) gift me with a kitten?
    ( ) defend me to someone else you cared for?
    ( ) re-post this for me to answer your questions?

    I’m adding:
    ( ) eat a meal I prepared?
    ( ) trust me with the care of your pet(s) and/or kid(s)?
    ( ) go clothes shopping with me?

    Y = Yes.
    N = No.
    M = Maybe, depends.
    O = Of course (apparently!) (Note: I don’t like this answer, so haven’t used it. Either it’s “Already” or it’s “Yes,” so what’s the point of “Of course”?)
    * = Already have done.
    D = Decline to answer.

    Now I have to answer all of theirs… oi vey! Let’s see. Dawn goes first:

    (*) go out with me?
    (*) give me your number?
    (*) let me kiss you?
    (*) have sex with me?
    (N) play an SM scene with me?
    (*) watch a movie with me… even a really sappy one?
    (*) let me take you out to dinner?
    (N) drive me somewhere/anywhere? (Can’t drive!)
    (*) take a shower with me?
    (*) be my gf/bf?
    (Y) have a fling with me?
    (Y) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
    (Y) buy me a drink if I didn’t have money?
    (Y) take me home for the night?
    (*) let me sleep in your bed?
    (N) sing car karaoke with me?
    (Y) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn’t want to go alone?
    (N) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere? (Again with the can’t drive thing.)
    (M) cook dinner for me? (I’m not much of a cook…)
    (*) brush my hair?
    (M) wash my hair?
    (*) hold my hand in public?
    (*) take a road-trip with me?
    (Y) rub my feet?
    (M) gift me with a kitten?
    (*) defend me to someone else you cared for?
    (*) re-post this for me to answer your questions? (Heh.)

    Now, how about Lil’? (For what it’s worth, I’m working backward chronologically by respondent. So there. Heh.)

    (*) go out with me?
    (*) give me your number?
    (*) let me kiss you?
    (*) have sex with me?
    (N) play an SM scene with me?
    (Y) watch a movie with me… even a really sappy one?
    (*) let me take you out to dinner?
    (N) drive me somewhere/anywhere? (Only because I can’t.)
    (Y) take a shower with me?
    (Y) be my gf/bf?
    (Y) have a fling with me?
    (Y) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
    (Y) buy me a drink if I didn’t have money?
    (Y) take me home for the night?
    (Y) let me sleep in your bed?
    (N) sing car karaoke with me?
    (Y) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn’t want to go alone?
    (N) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere? (No can do, sorry.)
    (M) cook dinner for me? (Would you eat it? Heh.)
    (Y) brush my hair?
    (Y) wash my hair?
    (*) hold my hand in public?
    (*) take a road-trip with me?
    (Y) rub my feet?
    (M) gift me with a kitten?
    (*) defend me to someone else you cared for?
    (*) re-post this for me to answer your questions? (Bwahahaha.)

    And last but certainly not least, Mari!

    (Y) go out with me?
    (*) give me your number?
    (*) let me kiss you?
    (*) have sex with me?
    (N) play an SM scene with me?
    (Y) watch a movie with me… even a really sappy one?
    (*) let me take you out to dinner?
    (N) drive me somewhere/anywhere? (No drivey.)
    (Y) take a shower with me?
    (Y) be my gf/bf?
    (*) have a fling with me?
    (Y) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
    (Y) buy me a drink if I didn’t have money?
    (Y) take me home for the night?
    (Y) let me sleep in your bed?
    (N) sing car karaoke with me?
    (Y) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn’t want to go alone?
    (N) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere? (Ix-nay on the ive-dray.)
    (M) cook dinner for me?
    (Y) brush my hair?
    (M) wash my hair?
    (Y) hold my hand in public?
    (Y) take a road-trip with me?
    (Y) rub my feet?
    (Y) gift me with a kitten?
    (*) defend me to someone else you cared for?
    (*) re-post this for me to answer your questions? (Whee!)

    Whew! (Okay, so there’s not much variation there. What can I say?)

  • Fifteen Songs

    The soundtrack of my life, fifteen tracks in all? Okay… in no particular order (chronological or otherwise):

    1) “Bungalow Bill,” The Beatles – One of my earliest memories is of watching the little Apple Records logo spin ‘round and ‘round on the turntable while some part of The White Album played. And this is the song I remember listening to while watching.

    2) “I Can’t Dance,” Genesis – This covers all of the times I’ve ever tried to. No, really, it’s not a pretty sight.

    3) “Radio Silence,” Thomas Dolby – A fun music bed for my time spent in the radio biz. (Note: This was originally marked as Roger Waters’ “Radio Waves” but I realized I had two songs on the list sung by him, so I changed to what is, technically, a more enjoyable song.)

    4) “Spinning My Wheels,” Dada – The title gives you a pretty good idea of what this song’s about, really. One of Dada’s most poignant tunes. “I’d love to be happy / I forget how that feels / driving towards somewhere / instead of spinning my wheels”

    5) “I’m Dying,” Vast – This sort of covers my (early) history of being vaguely-Christian and of my past episodes of suicidal depression, all in one song… for the purposes of this soundtrack, anyway.

    6) “Dare to be Stupid,” Weird Al Yankovic – This doesn’t really require explanation, does it? (Possible alternate: “It’s All About The Pentiums.”)

    7) “Nausicaa Requiem,” Joe Hisaishi – I figure this sums up my love affair with anime, especially with Miyazaki films, since it was an HBO airing of the bastardized dub called ‘Warriors of the Wind’ that truly hooked me.

    8) “The End Of The World,” Pet Shop Boys – “It’s just a boy / or a girl / it’s not the end / of the world.” The breakup song I listened to almost constantly after my first girlfriend dumped me, and it’s just as effective now as it was then. (Le sigh.)

    9) “Dreaming,” BT – I’ve spent what is probably an inordinate percentage of my waking life in a daydream world of my own making. This is sort of the “upside” version of that…

    10) “Toy Matinee,” Toy Matinee – …and this is sort of the downside version, especially now that my ability to dream is fading. “Play with the toys in my mind, gone away / a cry for how tragic, the toy matinee…”

    11) “The More We Live — Let Go,” Yes – I am, at heart, an optimist. This piece is a powerful source of mental imagery for me.

    12) “New Dress,” Depeche Mode – This one’s among my favorite expressions of cynicism with how the masses can be so easily distracted from real-world problems by the folly of celebrity. (Note: I originally wrote “Blue Dress” here. I meant this one. Damn ‘cheMode for having two songs with almost the same title. Argh.)

    13) “Kiss That Frog,” Peter Gabriel – Because nobody writes dorky innuendo quite like Peter. (What, you think I was going to leave sex out of this? My life isn’t rated PG, ya know…)

    14) “Rewrite,” Asian Kung-fu Generation – If I could kick ass, this would be the song I’d kick ass to. Sadly I cannot, outside of the first-person-shooter gaming arena that is. This one gets extra points for being from one of the best anime series I’ve ever seen, ‘Fullmetal Alchemist.’

    15) “Comfortably Numb,” Pink Floyd – Not for the reason you might think. Actually, I spent a couple of years of early mornings singing this while waiting for my manager to arrive and let me in to the Burgerville that was my first place of employment. Now that I think on it, I sang any number of songs from that album while standing in the cold and dark. Hmm. The point is, I only sing alone. It’s for the best, really.

    Bonus track) “Moonshadow,” Cat Stevens – The last time I sang in public, I was at a church camp somewhere in the Puget Sound region, and I wasn’t yet a teenager. This is the song I sang. I’ll never live down the shame…

    If you must blame somebody for this entry, blame the roomie

    (Edited to add: I just realized that almost nobody who reads this will have heard most of these songs. I’ll make an offer, then. If you really want one, I can make a CD made of this selection, minus the bonus track. We’ll negotiate the Principle of Equivalent Trade via email, okay?)

  • Signs of Impending Fogeyness

    There I was, trudging home from work at the end of another fun-filled day. I was really trudging, this time. Drained of energy and willpower, I made my way past That Rusting Mexican-style Food Establishment and… the craving hit.

    “I must have a bacon double cheeseburger, plain!”

    So I crossed the street to the Masculine Royalty-named Food Establishment and made my way inside. Upon coming into reading distance of the menu board, I halted and perused the items looking for what I wanted. It wasn’t there, however. What to do?

    I asked the guy behind the counter, “Can I still get a double cheeseburger, even though it’s not up there?” He assured me that yes, indeed, I could do that very thing. I promptly rattled off my order for a double cheeseburger, plain, with bacon, and followed that up with a large order of fries and the traditional family french-fry dipping sauce. (That would be a chocolate milkshake, if you didn’t know.)

    Here’s the fogey-stogey part of the tale: While I waited for my order, I pondered the fact that when I was Alexander’s age I could just order a “bacon double cheeseburger, plain” without anyone on either side of the counter batting an eyelash, and the fact that neither the “bacon double cheeseburger” or even the regular “double cheeseburger” was on the posted menu peeved me just a little.

    You know your mind is getting older when you not only look back wistfully to the way things were, but tend to resent the way things are because they’ve changed. Bah! Humbug!

    Still… it was a yummy little burger, just the way I remember it. Ahhh, bliss.

  • A post before sleeping

    Hey, I did something good today! I finally stopped by that table set up outside my favorite morning deli and put in my change of address voter registration sheet! This means I’ll actually get my ballot!

    Yes, I’m a lazy sod who put it off until mere days before the deadline. This surprises how many of you, exactly?

    Anyway. The workday was sporadic and occasionally frustrating, but I was buoyed by memories of time spent in delightful company the night before and a whole lot of nifty anime and anime-related goodness throughout the day. (Look for a flurry of posts over at yonder anime site this week. Oh yeah.)

    All in all, not a bad day. Sleep well, my friends.