I’ve ranted about the Quantum Snap! Server NAS appliance before, with a certain regularity given its tendency to vapor-lock once per month. It happened again today, but this time with a twist. Shortly after the final rebuild and the return of logged-in users, it crashed again.
But wait, there’s more! As I fumed about the utterly incomprehensible behaviour of the machine, what should appear in my office email but this:
Special Offer on 960GB Snap Server 12000!
Dear Karel,
As our way of thanking you for being a loyal Snap ServerÆ customer, we would like to extend you a special offer. Purchase a 960GB Snap Server 12000 between now and May 30, 2003 for only $8,499 – a $3,500 savings over MSRP!* At less than a penny per megabyte, use a Snap Server 12000 to solve common storage problems.
960GB Snap Server 12000
Now Only $8,499! You Save $3,500!
What incredible timing! It’s as if they knew I really needed a replacement unit! Here, therefore, is my joyful reply:
Dear Quantum, or Snap Appliance, or whoever you are now,
Your sales missive could not have arrived at a more appropriate time.
If your “Snap Appliance” product hadn’t crashed on us twice in a row today, I might think about spending almost five figures to get an even bigger, better version. Sadly, the Snap! 4100 we bought almost a year ago decided that crashing mysteriously once per month isn’t enough and has graduated to higher levels of mayhem.
Yes, I’ve spoken to tech support almost every time this happened. They don’t know what to make of it either. They offered to send a replacement, but there weren’t any in stock last month. Gee, what a shame. Sucks to be us, hey?
Tell you what. Send me one of these $13k beasties ‘gratis’ and I’ll think about not badmouthing you to every peer and colleague I know. (Did I mention I work in the broadcast industry?) I’ll be sitting here watching my drive array rebuild again, holding my breath. You betcha. Do the words “you’ve lost my business, stop trying to get more” mean anything to you?
Good luck, I get the feeling you’re going to need it. Consider this my idea of an “unsubscribe” message.
I believe this is an exception to the adage about composing email while angry. What do you think?
Comments
6 responses to “Think of it as a strongly worded “unsubscribe” message.”
ahhhh…sometimes theres nothing better to soothe the soul then firing off a pissy email to those who deserve it. huh? betcha they wont be using that as a customer testimonial. you do have a way with words karel. =)
Thank you. Of course, I feel bad that I didn’t think to turn their own words against them. The potential in phrases like “loyal customer” and “common storage problems” shouldn’t have been overlooked. As in, “Your product IS a common storage problem!”
Ah well. Nobody’s perfect.
I think it’s an awesome e-mail You told them good, bud-dy
I’ve always thought someone should write an e-mail program called “.44” for firing off those ’email bullets’ as my boss calls them. Well written, and here’s hoping they take it to heart.
Sometimes, when the bridge leads to a place like Sodom and Gamorah…the bridge really does need burning.
Angry mail is the best kind!
True, it does have a way of burning bridges, but then thats what life is all about.