I wonder: Why do we devote two days of the year to talking about a half-horse, half-bovine creature?
You know… the equine ox.
(As George Carlin quipped, “These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.”)
Category: Thoughts
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Unending Battle
It occurred to me, recently, that there’s no such thing as “beating” depression. Not in the “I’m done, will never have to face it again” sense, let alone the “It’s gone until something else big comes along” sense. It’s a new fight every single day. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. And it doesn’t get a whole lot easier no matter how many days in a row I might win.
I can’t give up, though. The alternative is that I turn into a complete hermit wallowing in self-pity for the rest of my life. Unacceptable So… I keep at it. I’m managing fairly well lately, all things being equal.
And I haven’t turned to pharmaceuticals (prescription or otherwise) to keep me going. This gives me some pleasure and satisfaction, not that I look down on those who really do need the prescription chemicals to maintain balance. For me, it’s just that I don’t want to end up following in a particular set of footsteps…
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Motive A Shun
Do you remember what it was like when you were excited by something?
I wish I could, lately. It seems like everything I try to do either blows up in my face or sputters to a halt. The anime forum? It’s limping along, with maybe five or six posters (counting myself) contributing during any given month. The webcomic? About 30 visitors every Monday and Thursday, sometimes one or two will comment, and now that I’ve run out my backlog of story and joke ideas it’s going to be a challenge, indeed, to keep it rolling. Writing? Hah. (Double hah, even.) Journalling? Yeah, you can see how many times I’ve posted in the last few months, eh? Music? I don’t have the budget to seek out new material anymore. Movies? I rarely set foot in a theater, and it’s not like I can afford DVDs very often either. Photography? Other than the comic, not so much.
I don’t know if I’m just getting old (which is silly, I’m not even 40 yet) or if life plus work equals being too worn out to do or care much. I’m not happy, though. But what can I do about it? Solutions all require time and energy that I lack.
I’m tired of being tired.
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xxRAGE xALE
Here’s a taste of how my mind works:
There’s a cardboard sign bent partway around a streetsign-pole at the end of our street. It’s for a garage sale, but the way it’s bent it reads “RAGE ALE” from most legible angles. What’s also odd is that there’s another sign at the corner of the block on the way to work, similarly bent, also thus advertising a RAGE ALE.
So. As I leave home, I pass the first sign at the end of the block. As I approach work, I pass the other sign at the start of the block. This is a strange sort of symmetry in my morning.
The world is weird. And this is the sort of thing which my old superstitious mind would interpret as a Sign Of Some Portent. Now I just think it’s silly… and wonder if anyone’s trademarked the name Rage Ale, because c’mon, we all know somebody who’d drink that.
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The Fight Against Winding Down
I approach forty years old. I’ll never again be that silly lad filled with nervous excitement, constantly seeking out new sights and experiences. I understand that, and accept it. C’mon: That kid was annoying, most of the time.
I don’t, however, like how far I’ve come from the days when I could dream, create, reach out and share. What have I done lately? The summer music project was, by almost any measure, a complete bust. My notable accomplishment there was in actually finishing the silly thing, but I couldn’t even continue as I meant to at the beginning, with the voice recording and music beds and clever stuff.
I need to recapture at least some of my former enthusiasm for life. The last few years were rough, but I’d hate to think that a divorce and being unemployed and getting older are enough to flatten my joie de vivre.
I believe that the first part of getting my life back involves sharing and connecting. That gregarious fellow who made good friends hither and yon seems to have disappeared, and I’d like to reclaim some of that lost life and skill. I can only do so much with the schedule I live with, mind you.
Once again, I need to put some priority into keep this silly website updated. There was a time when I posted several times a week, regularly! Can you imagine it? Do you know what else? I used to reply to email messages! I used to write email messages to people out of the blue, just to say hello and ask how they’re doing!
Yeah, I know. I can’t believe it either, anymore.
So. One more time, trying to carry on the fight against winding down. Can I do it, this time?
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Relieved
I’m relieved, mostly. Not because I think that there’s some kind of monumental, fundamental shift in the life of the world going on because of tonight’s elections, but because I’m getting what I wanted: A chance to see if some of the worst abuses from the last few years can be turned around just a bit. There’ll still be screwups. They’re all politicians, after all. At least there’s a chance that I won’t want to cringe and/or beat my head against the wall every time the new guy speaks. That counts for a lot.
I debated breaking my non-posting streak for this, especially since it’s going to be completely lost in the post-election noise, but I figured that I should get my meager thoughts down for posterity. This is supposed to be my journal, after all.
So. I’m glad. I’m relieved.
Now, can all of you jokers honking your horns along MLK please give it up? I’d like to get some sleep.