It’s been a rough few years.

I know: Just look at the abysmal rate at which I’ve been posting.

Losing the Entercom job hit me really damned hard; I never recovered from that, even most of six years later. It’s more than that, though. Now my day-to-day existence is just getting through the day. Each day is planned out: Mondays, I do this. Tuesdays, I do that. A minimum of 12 hours per 24 on weekdays revolves around getting ready for, going to, being at and going home from work. And at the end of the money, there’s a lot of month left.

On a side note: Once-per-month paychecks are a pain in the ass.

On another side note: Not once getting a cost-of-living increase in over five years really sucks in this economy. (Yes, yes, I have a job, shut up. I know.)

It’s not all bad, mind you. My romantic relationships are stable, even joyful. The kids are awesome. (Like that’s new.) I am gainfully employed, I have enough to pay the bills, etc. Could be worse.

But. I’m not where I wanted to be, financially or otherwise, by this point. I turn 40 in a few weeks and many of the things I thought I’d have accomplished by now are so far out of reach they might as well be on the planet Mars. And from the look of things, nothing good is coming down the pipe for a long while yet… and more unpleasantness is headed my direction even as I compose this posting. (Knowing the type but not the exact scale of this oncoming unpleasantness does not help.)

I don’t even know what I’m “good” at anymore, except occasionally I can make some people laugh. Other than that? No idea. My current job has taught me that no, I’m not really that good at the computer stuff. So… what is it? What do I bring to the table? If I wanted another job, how would I convince anyone to hire me?

Yeah, right.

Most days I don’t feel strong enough, smart enough, or good enough. But, I muddle through. People are counting on me. So I’ll keep at it.

Let’s face it: Reality, should we choose to anthropomorphize the cosmos for the sake of argument, doesn’t give a damn about when we say a new day begins, or a new month, or a new year.

I ended 2010 with a wearying, annoying head cold. I started 2011 with a wearying, annoying head cold. At no point anywhere near midnight of December 31st did the universe change so that the new year would be better or worse than what came before.

This may seem blindingly obvious to you. I, however, spent the first half of my life (give or take) looking for signs, meaning in the meaningless, pointers from a higher power. That sort of thing. Even now, I approach the end of four decades on this planet and it’s still all too easy for me to get caught up in wrong-headed nonsense.

Still and all, I hope 2011 goes well. We could all stand a bit of improved circumstances, couldn’t we?

And I really wish that this stupid cold would go away.