Say what you will about what the day has become over the years. Today’s as good a day as any to light a candle rather than curse the darkness. Maybe that’s what it’s really all about, when you get right down to it. After all, it is just past the winter solstice, the day of least sunshine. Perhaps we share a primal need to think about goodness and light when the world’s gone dim.

What does it mean to me, this holiday? It means little enough, but since the vast majority of folks want to make a big deal about the day, then I guess I’ll spend some time pondering my place in the world, how much I care about my fellow humans, and all of that.

Don’t worry, I won’t waste your time or mine with writing any of those ponderings down. It’s enough for you to know that I have spent some time pondering.

Merry Christmas to all…

I simply couldn’t go to sleep until I posted this. Argh. You know how that goes, don’t you?

*sound of crickets chirping*

Right. Okay then. So here’s something that bothers me about women’s fashion: High heels. Sure, they can (sometimes) make a gal’s leg look sexier, but that only works until she starts moving unless she knows how to actually walk gracefully in heels. And too many women who wear heels, don’t.

What surprises me is that nobody tells any of these ladies that clumping along in heels only makes them look like unhappy robots, not sexy femmes fatale. I’m not kidding. I’m downtown almost every day, standing at the bus stop with little better to do than people-watch, and about half of the people I see are women. (Imagine that, eh?) Of those, close to half are wearing high-heeled shoes of some sort… and many of them are walking with a kind of stilted, uncomfortable gait that says louder than words, “Damn I hate these heels.”

So here’s my advice to any women who might stumble across this posting. If you’re not absolutely comfortable wearing high heels, don’t. Put on some more comfortable shoes and enjoy walking normally and naturally. Believe me, you’ll look a helluva lot more appealing, and be a lot more comfortable into the bargain!

(I warn you now: I’m running on about two hours’ worth of sleep. I offer no guarantees regarding the amount of sense this post will make.)

At the very core of my being is a tight, burning coil of bitter self-loathing. If there’s a single event or series of circumstances in my childhood that caused it, I can’t recall in the slightest. It seems as though it’s always been there, but that seems somewhat unlikely. Then again, a trained psychologist I am not.

This angry part of me never goes completely away, though I can often forget about it when things are going well. The slightest mishap or fumble can bring it out again, and heaven help me when I really screw something up. I even picked up a mantra somewhere along the way: “never stop screaming.”

We’re not talking about the “ow I’m in pain” kind of screaming. We’re talking the screams of someone who’s looked pure insanity right in the face and hasn’t so much lived to tell about it as barely escaped with a shred of humanity left. The screams don’t come out of my mouth, but are instead echoed in my consciousness.

Yeah, the inside of my mind is a wacked-out place. I thought you knew that already.

In a weird sort of way, life was much easier when I didn’t care about myself or like myself. But now I have a problem. See, I’m actually starting to like me. I have good points: I’m a basically likeable person, at least to enough people to make socializing worthwhile. I possess an above-average intellect. I am caring and compassionate, at least more often than not. (I’m not always perceptive, but we’re not listing my faults here.) I have a fairly good sense of humor. There are probably a few other good points, but we’re not going for a complete list here. The real gist of this is that it’s a fundamental shift in my character to be able to acknowledge any of my good traits.

I was chatting with someone yesterday and the subject of positive mindsets came up. My take on it is something like this: If you have a “can deal” attitude, you’re better equipped to take the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and turn them either aside or to your advantage in some way. I would not be where I am today if I hadn’t adopted a positive mindset to at least some degree.

But now I have a fight on my hands. That very mindset is starting to bump directly into that core of bitter self-hatred, and the struggle between my better and baser impulses is enough to tear my psyche to shreds.

I fell down badly, metaphorically speaking, twice in as many days. The first time was somewhat mitigated by later events, but the second time I felt absolutely awful… and I couldn’t assert my positive thinking in time to counteract the self-loathing. Even after I’d started to get a handle on myself, it was too late to get a decent night’s sleep, as I had a battle to fight that occupied my mind for hours.

I’m not posting this to get advice or sympathy. I’m posting it because I believe it’s part of my growth as a person to be able to share this sort of pain instead of burying it deep inside like I’ve always done in the past. I believe it’s part of a change for the better.

And becoming “better” is the ongoing struggle of my life.

Let’s get one thing straight at the outset, here: I’m nobody’s idea of a perfect boyfriend. I have communication issues (which I’m working on), I have fears (not to mention a certain level of paranoia), and I can be incredibly awkward physically, verbally and socially.

One of the results of being afraid and having communication issues is that I don’t react well to crises. In fact, I’ve been known to go way, way out of my way to avoid anything resembling conflict… much to the eventual detriment of my marriage. I could, in fact, be considered a past master of the passive-aggressive school of behaviour.

As I’ve said before, though, life’s too short. For instance, it’s too short to limp along in the bad old way when there are simple, manageable changes one can make to improve things.

The first change was to set aside my fear of conflict. I had to suck up and do the right thing a year or so ago, even though it terrified me. (And I won’t claim I did everything right, or everything I could or should have done. That’s a subject I have no wish to revisit, however, thank you.) I’m still scared of strong negative emotions, though, so I still briefly lose my nerve and my ability to focus during moments of crisis. (My son will undoubtedly sympathize with this statement.) But I get through them, usually by stepping back a bit and remembering to breathe… eventually…

Dawn and I have a wonderful and somewhat quirky relationship. Because we share a weird synchronicity (common dialogue: “Get off my brainwave!” “Never, bwahahaha!”) we sometimes get too comfortable in the mindset that we each know what the other is thinking and feeling all the time. Obviously, this blows up in our faces occasionally, causing a tiff of some sort. Half the time I feel utterly helpless and miserable, the other half I feel indignant. I’m learning to get a handle on both reactions, now. It probably helps that I’m realizing that an argument doesn’t mean the impending end of the relationship. As long as we’re still able to talk it out afterward, everything will work out well enough.

Probably the hardest part, for me, is being able to step back and look at both of our words and actions with more objectivity. I’m just as prone to claiming all of the blame for myself as I am to lay it all at someone else’s feet, so trying to be fair and balanced is the key. I’m getting better but I know I have a lot of work left to do. Luckily for us both, we’re both so intensely committed to making this relationship work that we don’t let disagreements simmer any longer than absolutely necessary. (Anymore, that is. Heh.)

Could learning these lessons have saved my marriage? I don’t know, and to be completely honest I don’t want to speculate on it very much. It’s far, far too late now to do anything but move forward, taking with me the best of what came before and discarding the things that sabotaged that relationship.

Anyway. These are the small building blocks, the new skills I’m working on a little bit at a time, every time: Objectivity, compassion, conquering my fears, finding ways to say what I mean without being denigrating, dealing with problems without major delay (if possible), and of course making sure that everyone knows anything of importance that may affect them directly or the relationship in general.

It seems like a lot, but it’s actually just a lot of small and simple things. The overriding skill, the one single hardest thing to do, is being strong enough to force myself to do what’s right, which means doing all of these small simple things.

Or does that only make sense to me? In the words of Paul Simon (singer, not politician), “Maybe I think too much.”

Do you ever wonder who the first person was to try the taste of a pineapple’s innards, and what they were thinking?

Do you ever stare at an item and imagine the path it took from original concept to finished product?

Do you ever create a film in your imagination of how something happened, like a ding in the windshield or the presence of a couch where one clearly doesn’t ordinarily belong?

Do you ever wonder what drives you to continue something long past the time you forgot what made you start in the first place?

Do you ever wonder why they picked the letter “M” for M&Ms?

(Oh. Cool!)

As I rack up my 900th posting here, these are among the many questions that are always running through my mind. What about you? What do you wonder about?

I don’t delve into this territory very often, and that’s likely to show in the quality of this little piece of writing. I’m going to do it anyway. It’s just a nagging train of thought that won’t leave me alone until I tell someone about it…

Something’s been bothering me lately. I read rant after rant about how “we’re not allowed to criticize” the current President, usually in prefix or suffix to a critique of said President.

Do you know why we’re allowed to say “negative” things about Dubya? I mean, aside from the First Amendment (however much that’s worth anymore)? It’s because nobody really cares what anyone says. The people who might otherwise be concerned that the truth about the misdirections and FUD and outright lies is coming out are people who know they have nothing to worry about. The only people listening to the truth are the people who already know it.

What’s really bothering me is the utter, complete lack of accountability at the highest levels. Checks and balances? What’s that? Somehow we’ve achieved a level of collective apathy that condones by inaction what should be unforgivable actions in a head of state, let alone the head of what state presents itself as the beacon of the rule of law over any one man’s power.

So let me get this straight. I use clever sleight of mind to distract my wife, outright lie to her when I can’t quite get away with half-truths, and when the truth comes out all hell breaks loose. The most prominent figure in this country uses sleight of mind to distract us, outright lies when his back’s to the wall, and when the truth comes out… well, you certainly hear and see enough from the unimportant, the emasculated and the tiredly bitter. But nothing actually happens.

Gee, it must be awfully nice to be filthy rich and utterly devoid of conscience.

I don’t even have the luxury of faith in karma or God to see to it that justice is eventually done to the sort of people who perpetrate lies, bigotry and hatred at the top levels of a government supposedly based on ideals like freedom, equality and accountability.

And you wonder why I can’t listen to those “proud to be an American” ditties on the country station I now work for?