I wasn’t sure about doing this, but Mari insists, “I want to see your answers!” And if I’m going to take the time to answer these for her benefit, I might as well make it public. Right? My pain is your pain. You’re welcome.

Oh yeah, and unlike Mari I can’t conveniently hide the enormity of this entry from casual viewers. And unlike Lilith my entries don’t show up each on individual pages by default. Sorry, folks.

Right then. Here goes.

1. Youíre born. Youíre given a name. If you had the option to go back in time and change your name to whatever you wanted, what would you name yourself?

I wouldn’t be the man I am today were it not for the girly name I was given and the lifetime of teasing it has provided me. The value of this fact is left as an intellectual exercise for the reader…

2. If you had the means to start a business, ANY business, what type of business would you establish? What would you name it?

(Two questions? Just for that, I’m going to skip a question later on.) I’d get together a group of talented writers, artists and technicians for the purpose of merging original content in creative ways. For instance, what happens when Poet A meets Painter B? How about introducing a singer/songwriter to a Flash animation creator? It would be less of a business than a creative cooperative, really, but we’d try to finance our efforts by doing small publishing jobs or perhaps creative media consulting. The name would be something obscure and nonsensical, of course. “Omnivorous Media,” or some such.

3. Whatís your view on online journaling?

I’m for it, obviously. (Answer more-or-less stolen from Lilith.)

4. What is the one thing youíve never heard said to you that you wish would be said?

“You’re one helluva smart and talented guy. How would you like to work with this group of professional, highly skilled, creative types on a high-profile project and get paid lots of money?” The “rescue me” streak I inherited from my mother is now revealed. (I’d call it a Cinderella Complex but apparently that name is taken. And I’m not into shoes.) For the record, I do work for a number of skilled creative types. There is, however, zero notoriety and very little money in what I do.

5. What is your greatest accomplishment in life?

Getting to the point where I don’t completely loathe myself. I’ll top this if I can manage to impart the skill of maintaining a sense of self-worth to my children.

6. What is your greatest defeat?

I don’t have one outstanding defeat to name, unless you count a lifetime of missed opportunities and sighing regret.

7. Who was your favorite Monkee?

Remember questions number two? Right.

8. If you could have grown up with any family, other than the one you did, which family would you have been raised with?

There are so many things wrong with this question I almost don’t know where to start. For one thing, how many people are so intimately involved with other families that they could choose one over their own? For another, the family you grew up with made you who you are, quite literally. And finally, what makes you think I grew up with a family? The only constants in my life were my sister and Mom. In that order. And… I’m just not going to go off on that particular rant right now. Next question, please.

9. Tell a complete story in five sentences.

“I have journeyed from afar and faced many dangers, m’lady, and I mean to have you for my own,” he declared. Her response echoed from the furthest corner of the great hall. “No man shall claim me, for I am my own woman, a queen in my own domain, and all kneel before me!” “Silly wench,” he muttered before throwing her over his shoulder and striding purposefully to the carriage he’d procured. And there was much rejoicing, primarily among the lady’s former servants.

(Hmm, that was much too silly. What the hell was I thinking? Let’s have another go.)

A gasp, a twinge, the scent of his own blood and the blurring of vision tallied the cost of his struggle. “Go now,” he wheezed. Numbness crept inward, ever inward, yet also outward from what remained of his heart and soul. “That bad man can never, ever hurt you again.” The anguished keening sang him to his eternal rest.

(Okay, I’m not really that dark of a soul. Was that a bit overwrought to you? And thank you, Mari, for giving me tacit permission to answer this question twice!)

10. If you could spend one single day in the company of your exact clone, what would you do with and/or say to yourself?

I’m assuming this is a clone imprinted with my own personality and memories, right? If that’s the case, there’d be nothing to say to that self that I haven’t already said to myself. You did notice that I talk to myself a lot, right? As for “do with,” I think it would make more sense for us to split up and tackle multiple tasks. That, or really freak out some of my friends.

11. What is one of your “some day” goals? (i.e. some day I will…)

Some day I will have That Talk With Her. If you don’t know which one, or who, too bad.

12. Why are you filling out this survey?

Mari told me to. And like a good boy, I do what I’m told…

13. List the first three words that come to your mind.

Whadda. Stoopid. Question. “First, empty your mind. Then, show us how empty it is.”

14. State one fact that hardly anyone knows about you.

When I was a young boy, I sang a lot.

15. State one fact that everyone in the world knows about you.

Uh, I’m an oblivious geek-boy?

16. What is the one thing youíve always wanted to say to a certain person, but havenít? Who is that person?

While this is technically two questions, I only have one answer: That’s not for public consumption, sorry.

17. What one online journaller do you look up to and admire the most? Why?

(After months of Friday Fives, I guess I’ll concede that Why is an implied part of the main question and not a real question of its own. Dammit.) I have to pick one? Too frelling bad. Here’s three, in no particular order:

Lilith, for baring a remarkable amount of her soul, for the strength of her convictions, and for making every reader feel like a trusted, valued friend.

Mari, for wringing more out of even the mundane parts of life than I could ever aspire to, and for making her life so delightfully enjoyable to read about.

Jack Cluth, for his remarkable combination of idealism, self-deprecating humor, sense of justice and fair play, and for putting the effort into finding and commenting on the kinds of above-the-fold topics that I feel inadequate to address.

18. Can you honestly, beyond a doubt, state that you journal online without any censorship or concern as to who is reading the details of your mind?

Again I blatantly lift an answer from Lilith: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!”

19. What is one sexual position/experience/situation that youíve always wanted to try, but havenít? Why havenít you?

(When the creative ideas run dry, there’s always S-E-X. Did this quiz just jump the shark? Oh, and again with the two questions in one, eh?) To be honest, a lot of the positions-or-whatever I used to think I wanted to try just aren’t as interesting to me anymore. I’d much rather have really great “normal” sex for the rest of my life than be continually seeking The Next New Thrill. That’s what junkies do. No thanks.

As an alternative answer, I suggest you read Lil’s version. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

20. How do you feel about people who write about their sex lives in intricate detail in their journals?

As long as the writing is of high quality, and the content isn’t boring… you know what? That describes any sort of journal content, when you get right down to it. Just replace “sex lives” with, oh, just about any other activity. Get the idea?

21. What is your favorite animal to visit at the zoo?

The penguins. No, this is not a Linux Geek Moment. I love watching them dive off their little fake ice floes and fly/swim through the water.

22. What is one scenario that youíve never been in, but would love to construct?

The sign of a dirty mind: I saw “construct” and thought, “Hmm, how many naked women would it take to build a living-room-sized pyramid-like structure?”

Hmm. You know what? That’s my answer. And that’s what you get for asking such a suggestive question. You pervert.

23. What pet have you never had, but always wanted?

A Pernese fire-lizard. Yes, I’m a fanboy. Get over it.

24. What is the one area on your body that you ache to have touched, but it seldom gets any attention?

My head. The one above my shoulders, you goofball. You can play with my ears, run your fingers through my hair, massage my scalp, whatever. Yeah. Mmmmmmm.

25. What is one of your worst memories from childhood? Teen years? Adulthood?

(It’s three. Three. Three questions in one! Grr.)

Childhood – Being thrown against the living room wall.

Teen – There are so many… the worst could be any of a number of school-related experiences. Bullies, pranksters and other assorted vermin looked upon me in much the same proprietary way that wolves look upon baby deer.

Adulthood – Feeling utterly humiliated and despised shortly after 9/11/01. On top of the general turmoil about inappropriate email, one of my coworkers saw fit to rip their claws into my soul in a demeaning and cowardly fashion, and to this day I don’t know who it was or if they still work in our building. I try not to think about the fact that I may have a mortal enemy who simply pretends friendliness to my face.

And thank you ever so much for dragging all of that to the surface.

26. What is the most vivid memory from each of those stages of your life?

Screw you. I’ve had enough of vivid memories for one night. Besides, this is three more questions. So there.

27. What is your idea of heaven? Hell?

I’m going to assume you mean this in a religious way. Too bad. Asking me three questions, two questions ago, has cost you this answer as well. Or these two answers, to be technical. That, and I don’t feel like dissecting Judeo-Christian notions about the afterlife.

28. If you were asked to be on any of the “dating” shows, such as Blind Date, Change of Heart, Star Dates, etc. would you do it? Write the script for your introductory profile.

If I say “no,” do I still have to write the stupid script?

Oh, fine. I’ll be a good sport for a change: “Hi! I’m Karel. I’m just another guy who gets paid to mess with computers every day. In my off hours I like to read, listen to semi-obscure rock music, watch animated features of various kinds, and amuse myself with daydreams involving beautiful women and derring-do. I could charm your pants off, but that would involve making the first move, and I’m far too timid for that. What you have to ask yourself is, ‘Can I pass up the chance to get to know such a clever, imaginative and compassionate guy?’ I’ll be right here when you know the answer.”

29. If you could be on any reality television show, such as Survivor, The Bachelor, The Real World, Big Brother, etc., which one would you chose and why?

You assume far more knowledge on my part about the particulars of these programs than perhaps you ought. Bzzzt! Sorry, try again!

30. If you could add any question on to this survey, what would it be?

(Add? Hell, I’d start by subtracting.)

“XX. Your hated enemy kneels before you, completely at your mercy. What convoluted evil scheme do you devise to shuffle them off of this mortal coil? And do you divulge the details of your master plan beforehand? Why? And do you stay around to make sure of your enemy’s demise, or do you leave them in the care of a trusted henchperson? Why, or why not?”

Hmm. Some variant of that may end up in a PPF some day. You’ve been warned.