The posting really slacked off, didn’t it?
Which is to say, I’m slacking off. I’m two weeks behind on Mai Otome recaps. I haven’t touched either of my video projects, let alone the LP dubbing project. I need to do one last website conversion. There’s cleaning to be done around the house that I ought to take care of. I’ve not kept in as close of touch with people I call my friends as I probably should. (An oft-quoted motto of mine: To have a friend, be a friend.)
I’m feeling so uncertain and so unenergized lately that it’s hard to work up enthusiasm for much of anything. In a weird sort of way this has worked out for Dawn and I in that our gaming schedule has taken a major upswing… but that’s at the expense of everything I just listed. This isn’t to say that I need to cut out the gaming; indeed, game time is some of our best quality time when we’re “at distance.” I’m also not blaming the game time. I simply haven’t felt motivated to do much else. One might call it a crisis of faith, in that I’ve lost faith in myself, but mine isn’t a faith-based personality to begin with. So, what do you call it? I have no idea… and of course, that doesn’t really help, does it?
(and as I write this, I spill soda on my shirt and pants. I miss the keyboard, thank goodness. I just finished my laundry a few minutes ago, thanks for asking.)
I look around at all of the reminders, empty places where Things I Said I Would Definitely Accomplish should reside. Each one sucks a bit of life out of me, from the basket of garbage that needs emptying (“I Will Definitely keep my room trash-free”) to the little stack of “Day The Universe Changed” DVDs awaiting the last disc to become a complete set. Nevermind my checkbook (“I Will Definitely build my financial buffer back up”) and the cardboard boxes of books (“I Will Definitely get a bookshelf this month”) and the saved emails (“I Will Definitely take care of these things for the people I care about”). Nevermind the big stuff, like “Am I asking my kids the questions that will help them open up to me more?” and “Do they honestly believe I care about them and enjoy their company?” and “Am I a good relationship partner?” and “Am I sticking with this job because it’s truly good for me or because I’m too afraid to try for better?”
Very little in my life has changed in the last year. There were a few significant improvements, to be sure, but I don’t think I have changed much. I may even have deteriorated in some important ways. What’s worse, I wonder sometimes if I’m really being true to myself like I promised myself I would be, back when things went terribly catastrophic. How badly have I fallen back into who I used to be? I honestly believe I’ve not done so too much, but that belief doesn’t erase all of the doubts.
And when you get right down to the core of it… am I willing to do what it takes to feel good about the direction my life is going?
“Gloomy thoughts for a Sunday evening,” you might say, and you’d be right. It hasn’t even been a bad day, truth be told, so it’s not like there’s anyone to blame (but myself) for the state of mind I’m in. As usual, it’s just something I must work through for myself. It happens, yes?