I warn you now, this is going to be a rather serious and personal posting. There hasn’t been one of these in a while. Here’s hoping I don’t muck it up too badly.

Exchanging email with a friend of mine recently, I was asked, “I don’t know how to find out what or who I want. Any suggestions?”

My answer: It’s not a “who.” There is no “who.” “What” is easy: Respect, chemistry, loyalty (one can have multiple partners and still be loyal, it all depends on how you go about it), humor… give or take a few ingredients. Settle for nothing less. Be ruthless, even if it hurts, in protecting your own heart and soul.

I’ve adopted three mottos this year. They help me sort through the conflicting emotions and facts and impulses so I can get down to cases and actually do something about my problems.

Motto The First: Life’s Too Short. There’s absolutely no reason in the world one should cling desperately to an untenable situation, nor should one hold back from stating their true feelings and beliefs before those who are most important in one’s life. Fear isn’t a good enough reason. Not fear of reprisal, not fear of being alone, not even fear of making the wrong choice. (And yes, I’ve lived with all three of those fears for quite some time now.) In the end, you have to stand up and do something. The sooner the better. None of us are getting any younger. Don’t take the chance that you’ll look back on today and regret your inaction.

Motto The Second: One Standard Will Do Nicely, Thank You. As much fun as it can be to throw this around when we see others living in a way that doesn’t match their stated beliefs, or engaging in blatant hypocrisy, this motto is mostly about performing regular head-checks on one’s own values and actions. I don’t think I’ve completely mastered the seemingly simple art of saying and doing what I believe to be right, but I’m getting better… and isn’t that what this is all about? Of course, this motto remains a statement of policy regarding things one should not put up with in those people we choose to make a part of our lives.

Motto The Third: Actions Speak Louder Than Words. It seems obvious, but I’ve realized that sometimes it needs saying. People are always saying what they think someone wants to hear. It isn’t even so much that they deliberately lie, but that they’re afraid to be thought poorly of by anybody. Or they’re afraid that if they say what they really think they may lose the respect or love of someone important to them. But you know what? Someone can say whatever they must, but they can’t hide their actions forever. I know. I tried. (Once again, this motto is as much internal as external.) It may be safe to say that one of my biggest challenges is learning to shut up and put my beliefs into practice. Again, of course, I haven’t perfected the art. But I now hold myself accountable for doing so, and I hold others around me similarly so.

How about it, friends and neighbors? Do these mottos apply to your life? Do you perhaps have others to suggest? In the immortal words of Joe Don Baker, “Go ahead on.”