It occurred to me, recently, that there’s no such thing as “beating” depression. Not in the “I’m done, will never have to face it again” sense, let alone the “It’s gone until something else big comes along” sense. It’s a new fight every single day. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. And it doesn’t get a whole lot easier no matter how many days in a row I might win.
I can’t give up, though. The alternative is that I turn into a complete hermit wallowing in self-pity for the rest of my life. Unacceptable So… I keep at it. I’m managing fairly well lately, all things being equal.
And I haven’t turned to pharmaceuticals (prescription or otherwise) to keep me going. This gives me some pleasure and satisfaction, not that I look down on those who really do need the prescription chemicals to maintain balance. For me, it’s just that I don’t want to end up following in a particular set of footsteps…
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One response to “Unending Battle”
Some nine years ago, I took anti-depressants. Started on Prozac, and while it worked, I guess, it also made me feel like I was wrapped in pillows all the time. Then, I’d come home from work, climb into bed, and sleep until 10pm. Eat, then sleep again, then go to work and do it all over.
Not being fond of this state of affairs, my doc and I moved me to Paxil. While it did take all the lows away, it also took away all the highs. I wasn’t depressed anymore, but I couldn’t be happy, either. “Completely, totally, emotionally flat ain’t no way to go thru life, son.”
Still, I was functional again. No more hiding under a blanket in the back corner of my walk-in closet because I couldn’t face the world.
I stopped taking them after a couple of years. Lost my job, couldn’t afford them anymore. And yet, now that I knew what it was like to NOT be depressed, my brain figured out a way to get me to that point on its own (no idea how).
I’m not going to encourage you to take meds. I don’t think they’re a cure-all, some of the side-effects are terrible, and they don’t work for everybody. But if I hadn’t’ve taken them, the world would have been deprived of the Wonderduck a long time ago.
(I’ll leave the reader to decide if that’s a bad or a good outcome)