Dear Radio-Listening Public,

Don’t call me to gripe about your dissatisfaction with K-something-something-something, your (most or least) favorite radio station. I can’t help you. I can’t make it better. I can’t even be bothered to care because, you see, I don’t even listen to the radio. No, really, I don’t.

Here’s a bonus tip, just because I love you all so very much: On the off-chance you come across some direct-dial numbers for various people who work here, please exercise some brainpower before actually dialing any of those numbers. I say this because, as stated above, I cannot help you, and additionally, because making me answer random phone calls from complete strangers who want only to complain about things I can’t fix is one of the fastest ways to get my mood from “tired but generally upbeat” to “ravingly pissed off at humanity in general.”

I only mention all of this because somehow, someone out there (whose caller ID was blocked, sad to say) called my direct line in order to spout something pithy along the lines of, “Hey, why don’t you play more music on (I don’t even remember or care which station)?” (If anyone I work with is reading this: I was polite, I told him I couldn’t help, and I sent him on his way cheerfully and professionally. I waited until the phone was firmly on the hook before starting in with the bad language and rude gestures.)

Thank the goddesses that it’s Friday.