Among the things I expected when I awoke this morning, such as “oh crap I don’t want to deal with Monday” and “I hate the onset of summer weather,” I didn’t count a strong bout of “but what do you bring to the table, really?”
Especially when I’m not sure I bring anything to the table. Ever feel like you’re just a space filler?
I need my camera back so I can get cracking on more comics. At least then I’ll be making something.
There’s nothing quite like the realization that you were wearing the wrong black jeans to work all week…
…and that it was the pair which was due for structural failure…
…that had finally started to give out at some point in the week, unnoticed until Saturday morning.
Sigh.
2012 is shaping up to be quite the year. This month alone:
What’s next? I don’t know, and I’m trying not to worry about it.
“Trying” is the operative word, there. Heh.
A strange thing happened during the months immediately after I lost my old job, six years ago this week.
I stopped writing & responding to email. Yes, in general, I reply to most of the more timely missives (“Shall we do X on Y date?”) but casual conversations tend to fall right off the radar. Actually, it’s worse than that: I leave things in my Inbox to remind me to deal with them, and those messages sit there… sometimes for months. All I have to do is open up a message and type a reply, so what’s my deal?
I honestly couldn’t tell you. The strange thing is that I used to be Mr. Email, I loved typing back & forth and eagerly pounced on an opportunity to reply to a message. Somewhere during that emotionally crippling spring & summer, however, that went entirely away. Now I have to push myself to reply to a simple message that requires anything more than a one-sentence reply. It doesn’t matter who the email is from, either. Parents, sibling, children, girlfriends, old friends, complete strangers, all have about the same chance at getting a timely response.
I don’t know what this all means, other than to note one more part of my psyche that broke in 2006. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most…?
I turn 40 in a few weeks.
I’m no stranger to the trick knee, having “enjoyed” such for most of a decade so far. Unpleasant, sure, but it’s manageable, isn’t it? Stairs aren’t your friend but level surfaces don’t cause much difficulty.
Yesterday morning, my left hip started going wonky. As in, “walking hurt like hell all of a sudden.” What’s weirder is that stairs don’t trigger the pain much but walking across level ground becomes rather excruciating. Like, say, the walk to the store and back.
And I woke up with the same pain this morning. This had better subside, and soon…
It’s been a rough few years.
I know: Just look at the abysmal rate at which I’ve been posting.
Losing the Entercom job hit me really damned hard; I never recovered from that, even most of six years later. It’s more than that, though. Now my day-to-day existence is just getting through the day. Each day is planned out: Mondays, I do this. Tuesdays, I do that. A minimum of 12 hours per 24 on weekdays revolves around getting ready for, going to, being at and going home from work. And at the end of the money, there’s a lot of month left.
On a side note: Once-per-month paychecks are a pain in the ass.
On another side note: Not once getting a cost-of-living increase in over five years really sucks in this economy. (Yes, yes, I have a job, shut up. I know.)
It’s not all bad, mind you. My romantic relationships are stable, even joyful. The kids are awesome. (Like that’s new.) I am gainfully employed, I have enough to pay the bills, etc. Could be worse.
But. I’m not where I wanted to be, financially or otherwise, by this point. I turn 40 in a few weeks and many of the things I thought I’d have accomplished by now are so far out of reach they might as well be on the planet Mars. And from the look of things, nothing good is coming down the pipe for a long while yet… and more unpleasantness is headed my direction even as I compose this posting. (Knowing the type but not the exact scale of this oncoming unpleasantness does not help.)
I don’t even know what I’m “good” at anymore, except occasionally I can make some people laugh. Other than that? No idea. My current job has taught me that no, I’m not really that good at the computer stuff. So… what is it? What do I bring to the table? If I wanted another job, how would I convince anyone to hire me?
Yeah, right.
Most days I don’t feel strong enough, smart enough, or good enough. But, I muddle through. People are counting on me. So I’ll keep at it.
