How fed up am I with the entire job-hunting process? Very. I’m tired of spending hours a day poring over job postings, preparing cover letters, emailing said letters and resumes, sending follow-up emails, making phone calls, and generally getting jack squat in the way of responses. (So far: Two phone interviews, and those were in the first two weeks.)

Then there’s Monster Dot Com. Oh, yes, what a fine resource that’s turned out to be. Granted, I like the “one-click-apply” feature, but it’s done me very little good so far. What’s worse, apparently certain parties think that trolling Monster for email addresses is a grand idea, as I’ve received two unsolicited and highly annoying missives on account of being listed there. Just because I’m in a foul and snarky mood, I’m going to eviscerate today’s message in full public view.

We have reviewed your resume on Monster.com and feel we may have an interest in scheduling you for an interview.

No, I’m quite certain you have not, though you’d like me to believe so. How do I know?

Please take a moment to answer a brief questionnaire that will further assist us in determining if a preliminary match exists between your qualifications and career objectives and our corporate goals.

That’s funny, ’cause I’m thinking that if you’d reviewed my resume, you’d have determined “if a preliminary match exists,” wouldn’t you?

Interviews will be conducted in Portland on Wednesday of next week. To be clear, this position does NOT require a daily commute to our office.

Work from home. Hmm, I see those signs stapled to telephone poles all around Portland. To be clear, your communique does NOT inspire confidence.

The Richard The First Group, Inc. is uniquely positioned to attract, develop and retain preeminent field and management talent in an emerging industry characterized by high-growth and minimal competition.

An emerging industry that you can’t actually describe in an email requesting that I apply for a position working in it? Nevermind that “high-growth” and “minimal competition” are mutually exclusive; as soon as something is making somebody money, everybody wants in on it. My momma didn’t raise no dummy. (To be fair, my momma didn’t raise me at all, but that’s beside the point.)

We specialize in providing business owners and employee groups of all sizes with the finest and most innovative access plans and employee benefits available.

Access plans? Maybe someone fluent in “biz-speak” can clear that one up for me, ’cause otherwise this entire sentence reads as gobbledy-gook.

We are looking for independent-minded, high performance professionals and professional managers whose interpersonal skills and interests lend themselves to business to business sales. Our Agents can earn substantial incomes marketing our plans both as employee benefits and as valuable tools for business owners.

SALES! MARKETING! It’s a freaking sales job. Hello? McFly? Does that resume you oh-so-carefully “reviewed” mention the word “sales” at any point? Unless Monster diddled with it behind my back, I’m guessing the answer is not only “no” but “hell no.”

Candidates must be comfortable dealing with senior level executives and business decision makers. Presentation skills suitable for presenting to groups of 10 to 40 employees at a time are a plus. Candidates must be coachable and willing to follow a proven success system.

Well, it just so happens that I am comfortable dealing with execs and decision makers. However, I don’t have “presentation skills,” nor did anything in my resume suggest such. I don’t even know where to start with the “proven success system” nonsense, though.

All additional details will be discussed at the interview, if one is scheduled.

This reminds me of the time the now-ex missus and I got suckered into going to dinner with an Amway troll rep. Nice try, loser.

Thank you in advance,

(Name Withheld Due To (Possibly Misplaced Sense Of) Altruism), VP Sales
The Richard The First Group, Inc.

Not HR, not IT. He’s VP of Sales. Suffice to say that the only reason this email didn’t get deleted immediately is that I couldn’t resist the urge to use it as journal fodder. Remember: My pain is your amusement. What are friends for?