• Look, I’m desperate here. Somebody throw me a (back)bone.

    So here’s the saga of DSL at the Kerezman abode:

    The Company discovers that we have trade with our ISP for DSL accounts that aren’t being used. Company says, “Hey Karel! If you pay for the Qwest line, you can use this traded-out DSL account.” Karel says, “Hot damn!” And then Qwest says, “Sorry buddy. You’re too far away and you’ve got some weird voltage on your line so even if you weren’t too far away it almost certainly wouldn’t work.”

    Argh. All kinds of folks are lining up for a chance to kick me around. I finally, after five years, convince the company to help me out in the broadband department and I can’t have it anyway.

    I’m all out of bright ideas. (No, cable is not a bright idea. It’s freakin’ expensive.) That troublesome 50k modem is going to be with us for quite a while longer, it seems.

    Again, argh.

  • Reasons To Hate Your Life

    This is going to be very personal and rather painful. It’s probably going to make Wendi unhappy, but she’s just going to have to deal with it. If I don’t vent somehow I’m going to absolutely explode.

    Getting behind on my NaNo quota is one thing. Having the landlords call you up to demand $1900 in back rent by Friday “or else” is another thing entirely.

    You see, I didn’t know we were still that far back. Wendi has always insisted that we’re in better shape than that. You see, this came up two years ago and it nearly ended our marriage. Turns out, then, that things haven’t improved financially at all since that time. We owe exactly the same amount in back rent that we did two years ago. I’m surprised they haven’t kicked us out already.

    What is it about November, anyway?

    I tried going to the Fireside Lodge coffee shop on Powell to get some writing done away from the house. Most of the ethernet jacks are along this long counter with log stumps for seating. I’d like to know who the genius is that believes sitting on an uncushioned log would be a great way to spend an hour or two. After twenty minutes the circulation had nearly stopped in my legs from dangling over the hard edge of the stumps. There were no footrests or backrests. Oh, and did I mention that the heat was set for sauna levels? After my second dizzy spell I realized that heat stroke was not going to get my novel written very quickly.

    So, basically, I spent my evening hiking to the Fireside from my house, basking in an uncomfortable sauna (and only churning out a couple hundred words over the course of an hour or so) then hiking back to the house. My hiking time was spent being supremely stressed about the very real chance that we’d be losing our home in a matter of days.

    When I got home at about 9:00, Wendi told me that she’d talked with the landlords and we no longer have to cough up the entire $1900, but instead just a portion of it. Great, let’s start hitting up the relatives for cash again, shall we?

    I hate this. I absolutely hate it. I’ve spent years making myself indispensible at work hoping to get a substantial enough raise to make all of our money troubles go away. I make about $45k in annual salary and it’s just not enough. I don’t know what more I can do. What’s worse, I find myself resenting Wendi and her years of buying Mary Kay product to keep her precious “consultant status” when she never had the drive or discipline to actually sell the damned product. I can clearly point to those years of amassing pink-labelled product as the time when our finances spiralled out of control.

    The capper, of course, is that Wendi feels compelled to lie to me about things so I won’t get upset. Which, of course, makes me even more upset when the truth comes out. I’m having some serious trust issues with her again, just like during the last two winters. I’m tired of it.

    Okay, yes, I get angry. I’m sure that years of sarcastic commentary hasn’t exactly made her eager to say things that might put her in a bad light. But dammit, this has got to stop. I’m angry, I’m tired, and I’m so tightly wound I feel like I’m going to explode in a spectacular display of flying body parts. Whoops, where’d my left arm go? Is that my foot? I seem to have lost my head. That one too.

    Maybe I’m my own worst enemy. Years of having to put up with my foul tempers have made Wendi into the person she is today, so perhaps I have nobody to blame but myself. It isn’t really fair of me to take this out on her, no matter how tempting it is. But still… dammit. Where’d the money all go? Little pink boxes?

    We may have dodged a bullet this time, but I still have no idea at all how to make all of that money. I don’t have a solution, and it’s only a matter of time before the landlords really do get tired of waiting.

    I want to make it all better for everybody so Wendi and the kids never have to worry again. I can’t, and it’s killing me.

  • Lightening The Mood With Giggle Queries

    Okay, so that last entry was dark and unhappy and angry and so on. I got it out of my system, so I feel better now. We still have big problems to fix, but presumably we’ll get through them.

    So, how to convince my loyal readers that I haven’t flipped what passes for my lid? How about a search-query roundup? Yeah, I haven’t done one of those in a while!

    • I don’t know why my website gets so many cheerleader-related searches. “cheerleading quotes”, 16 instances so far. “cute quotes for cheerleaders” showed up recently, as did “celina cheerleading.” Hey, I’ll cheer for Celina any time…
    • By virtue of having linked to it, I too now take search hits for the latest Internet sensation, The Lord of the Peeps.
    • It’s no surprise that some of our fellow netizens are typical HNGs, but why am I taking so many search hits on “aeka naked” and “ryoko naked”? I just hope that whoever was searching for “ryoko and kagato” didn’t find what they were looking for. I mean, that’s almost gotta be a fanfic somewhere, right? Bleah. And don’t get me started on “ryoko father”. Speaking of ill-wishes, I hope that one cannot “download sailor sex text game”.
    • What the hell is up with the “ascii” searches? Is ASCII-art enjoying a Renaissance or something? Let’s see: “ascii powerpuff”, “ascii johnny bravo”, “ascii bowl of chicken soup” (?!?), “ascii cool things” (gee, be a little more specific will ya?), “ascii moon”, “ascii badass” and “ascii schmuck”. And that’s just from the most recent week’s logfile, folks.
    • In the Further Fun With Naughtiness category we have things like “spanked at home” and the verbose “how to convince your girl friend that she should be spanked”.
    • Probably because I’m a sucker for surveys, or at least used to be, I get searches like “fun surveys to ask friends” and “fun surveys that i can forward to my friends” (that person later searches for ‘how to win back the friends I pissed off by forwarding too many surveys’, right?)
    • I’m a low-key gamer geek, but I’m not sure how people found me via these queries: “quake arena wav frag left”, “epic megagame keen” (oh, the hours I wasted playing Commander Keen!), and “where can i play minigolf on the net”.
    • I like games, but I love anime. Most of these queries don’t surprise me that much: “cowboy bebop audio files” (CB music is the best, bar none), “pixie misa” (who I share a birthday with), “sailor moon music to hear on the net” (I recommend Sailormusic.net), “ghibli museum in japan” (I wanna go I wanna go I wanna go), “armitage iii dual matrix” (sucked ass), and “tenchi muyo mpeg animemusicvideos” (made a couple, yes).
    • In the potpourri department, we have “super fuzz movie” (I remember watching that when I was a kid), “clever thoughts” (not gonna find those here, pal), “windows media encoder and steaming” (didn’t you mean “streaming”?), “hate reading quotes” (so you must not have enjoyed landing on this website, huh?), “accidents horrible unusual” (oooookay…), “mwaah”, (I used that a lot when writing) “thumbnail theater”, “bridal fashion mpeg”, “pegasus bedroom wallpaper” (I don’t want to know), “what is a website tagline” (if you have to ask, I don’t think it can be explained to you), “organic webshooters” (I hope they liked my Spider-Man movie review), “cartoon violence” (I’m all for it) and last but not least… “find me a fun website now, dammit”. Geez, pal, what am I? Your personal servant? Find your own damned fun website. Oh yeah, and the bozo who’s looking for how to “send other peoples email to yourself” can go directly to hell, thanks.
    • I’ll conclude this overlong wrap-up with the Duck category, including “sinister duck song” (?), “duck sex” (double ?? with whipped topping), “duck diapers” (um, no), “duck quotes” (this website’s chock full of those, at least), “duck duck grey duck”, “cutie duck” (you’ve got the wrong duck, ma’am), “old duck cartoon” (would that be Daffy or Donald?) and finally “duck geek”, which I’m afraid I resemble all too closely.

    There, all sweetness and light again. See? All better. (Denial? What’s that?)

  • Supplies for Villains

    Billing itself as “Your Online Source For Everything Evil ™,” we bring you…
    VillainSupply.com

  • Saturday Night Fever

    “Wow, Karel. You haven’t posted anything since Thursday, so you must’ve been writing tons on your NaNo novel, huh?”

    You might think that. You’d be wrong, though. I wrote maybe 600 words, tops, on Thursday. Friday I didn’t so much as touch a text editor. That’s right, not one word was added to my count on Friday. Slacker, thy name is Karel.

    So tonight I sat down and churned out about 5,000 words. That was after helping clean house for the big PDX NaNo Midway Party I proposed and am hosting tomorrow afternoon. So far I have about seven or eight of my fellow lunat– um, writers coming over, with several more surprise guests possible. It should be interesting, to say the least.

    Most of my writing was done while Wendi and the kids went to see the Harry Potter movie. Wendi liked the movie, the kids liked the movie, and I got to hear about all of the good and bad bits for a while after they got home. And on the way to the store to get snacky goodness for tomorrow’s party. As if anyone remotely interested in seeing the new Harry Potter movie needed the Kerezman Family endorsement, mind you, but now you know what they thought of it.

    No, I didn’t go. No, I don’t want to go. No, I really don’t need to see the new Harry Potter movie on the big screen. I’m saving my geeky fanboy energy for The Two Towers, thankyouverymuch. That, and I was way way behind on my NaNo word count (as previously mentioned), so staying home meant I had peace and quiet for several hours… and thus, no excuse not to produce lots and lots of silly words for my novel. Oh yeah, and I posted the third chapter of the day in its entirety as my latest excerpt. (Someone complained about the brevity of the previous excerpt. So there, Someone. Neener, neener.)

    Lilith added links to both Mari and Wendi‘s online journals. This equals 100% of all greyduck.net websites making an appearance on her link list, just so you know. Am I cool or what? Okay, so actually Mari and Wendi are cool, but I can bask in their greatness.

    Pardon me a moment while I bask.

    Tomorrow evening… okay, so it’s Sunday already. After the party, then, I’ll post some sort of rambling recap of the PDX NaNo Midway Party. Until then, I invite you to read some novel excerpts. Please?

  • Great Big Huge Survey Thing

    Lil did it, Mari did it, now I’m doing it. Why? Because I’m a sucker for quizzes and surveys, of course! And, well, two of my favorite people can’t be wrong, right?

    8 things on your desk:
    Kyocera Palm-phone in its cradle
    Far Side Last Impressions (2002) daily calendar
    stack of rewritable CDs
    stack of (probably) dead hard drives
    laptop docking station
    webcam
    stack of Very Important Papers (stuff I didn’t throw away when I first saw it)
    mousepad with American Totoro card inserted (thanks, Mari!)

    7 things you touch every day:
    Wendi and the kids
    computer keyboard(s)
    Kyocera Palm-phone
    the remote control(s)
    that damned beat-up bed with the poking-springs mattress
    the fridge
    the front door

    6 movies you can’t live without:
    Princess Bride
    Spirited Away
    The Castle of Cagliostro
    The Fellowship of the Ring (presumably the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, but we don’t know yet do we?)
    Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind
    Tenchi Muyo In Love

    5 nicknames you have had in your life:
    Caramel
    Duckie
    “Carl Charisma”
    Rael
    “Carol” <-- more of a common mispronunciation than a nickname, but I needed five...

    4 places you want to visit:
    The Studio Ghibli Museum in Japan
    Just about anywhere scenic in Australia and/or New Zealand
    The pyramids on the Giza plateau
    The Farm, Surrey (Genesis recording studio)

    3 things you wish you could change about yourself:
    My teeth
    My physique
    My stamina (Okay, don’t go taking that the wrong way, you pervs.)

    2 phone numbers you call most:
    Home (What, you want the actual number? Nice try…)
    Voicemail

    1 person you plan to spend the rest of your life with:
    That Wendi person who just refuses to get fed up with me

    Name four scents you love:
    1) Chocolate
    2) Cinnamon
    3) Spring rains
    4) Pine forests

    Name four things you’d never wear:
    1) Anything with polka dots
    2) A tutu
    3) Nipple clamps
    4) Ecclesiastical garb

    Name four television shows you love:
    1) Junkyard Wars
    2) The Daily Show
    3) Samurai Jack
    4) Kim Possible (go ahead and laugh… it’s really good!)

    Name four bands/groups most people don’t know you like:
    1) Thomas Dolby
    2) Depeche Mode
    3) The Space Brothers
    4) Madonna

    Name four drinks you regularly drink:
    1) hot cocoa
    2) orange juice
    3) water
    4) root beer

    Name four random facts about yourself:
    1) I was named after the Czech playwright who gave us the word ‘robot’.
    2) I was born in Ketchikan, Alaska.
    3) I worked for about nine months at a Radio Shack.
    4) The only video game I ever truly mastered was Pitfall II.

    Name four random facts about your family:
    1) I have two aunts and two uncles, as my mother is the oldest of three sisters and my father is one of three brothers.
    2) My mother is on her sixth husband.
    3) My father attended Juilliard. Yes, that one.
    4) My paternal grandmother passed away on 11 Sept 2001 in Kingsville, Texas. Most of her adult life was spent in New York City. Draw what mystical meaning from this you like.

    What’s on your bedside table?
    Books, alarm clocks, lamp, comics, Wendi’s jewelry box, deoderant, pens, coins, Stewart (little stuffed tiger), stack of music CDs, probably other stuff as well

    What’s the geekiest part of your music collection?
    Probably my copy of the Chronos (cool IMAX movie) soundtrack. Maybe it’s all of those Pet Shop Boys imported singles. Or the Akira soundtrack. Or my CD3s. Or the cheap sound effects library. Or the Rocky Horror soundtrack. I could go on…

    What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
    I raid the fridge at night for drinks, not eats. Orange juice usually.

    What is your secret guaranteed weeping film?
    Nothing comes to mind right now, but there probably are movies that can make me cry. *shrug*

    If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
    Make this root-beer belly go away. (Okay, I’m not exactly fat, but still. *sigh*)

    Do you have a completely irrational fear?
    Several, actually. Bugs are the worst.

    What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
    I’m always insecure. Probably talking/laughing too loud, though.

    Do you ever have to beg?
    Nope. Whine, yes, but not beg.

    Do you have too many love interests?
    Nope. (My flippant answer is, “There’s such a thing?”)

    Do you know anyone famous?
    Define “famous.” I work in radio so I get to meet the occasional actor or singer, and some of the people I work with are kind of “locally” famous. Or infamous, if you prefer.

    Describe your bed:
    A box spring and mattress on the floor with sheets and blankets. Alternate description: That happy fun place. *evil grin*

    Who should play you in a movie about your life?
    Toby McGuire. Why not?

    Do you know how to play poker?
    Just barely. I understand the hands, I just don’t have the knack of the pokerface or of smart bidding.

    What do you carry with you at all times?
    Keys, wallet, digital encumbrance (used to be cellphone and pager, now just the phone)

    How do you drive?
    Backseat.

    What do you miss most about being little?
    You mean I’m not little anymore? Um… Oh. *blush*

    Are you happy with your given name?
    When I was about four years old I told my parents in no uncertain terms that I would henceforth answer only to “Carl” and not “Care-Ell” as my name is more properly pronounced.

    What color is your bedroom?
    It has a color? Well, the walls are white, but you can’t really see anything else…

    What was the last song you were listening to?
    Something on the radio. (I’m setting up in-house streaming for our radio stations.) The last thing I listened to voluntarily was Garbage’s “When I Grow Up.”

    Have you ever been in a school play?
    Almost. I was to be in a one-act play I can’t recall the name of (as Wadsworth The Word Worker; that Greta The Grammar Guardian was a sweet little hottie!) based loosely on some Aesop’s Fables, but then our high school “Oklahoma” production went to the state drama fair and… well, that spelled the end of the one-act productions. It’s probably for the best. I have the script in one of my keepsake boxes.

    Have you ever been in love?
    Have I ever NOT been in love?

    Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
    Sometimes yes, sometimes no. This probably just means that I’m normal.

    Have you ever done any illegal drugs?
    Does second-hand pot smoke count? Let’s just say, “not on purpose, thanks.” I could tell you about the time my mom got me to stop being carsick during our weekly trips to (I think it was) Methow. She figured that if I took a bong hit it would relax me, you see. I politely declined, but I also didn’t throw up in her boyfriend’s car. Go figure.

    Do you think you’re cute?
    No… but a number of people describe me so. I’ve learned to live with it, as there are worse things they could be saying. (“Well, um, you have a great personality!”)

    Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
    I consider myself to be a generally gentle person, but I’m not always nice. Sometimes my moods run away with me, and the people around me suffer for it. I always mean well, though. *sigh* I grew up as a Fixer (go read some 12-step jargon if you’re really curious), so I usually try to make others happy… or at least happier.

    Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend, or your friends?
    *grin* If I say I spend more time with my girlfriend, my wife would kill me. To be blunt, I don’t have a lot of friends, and those I do have I almost never get to see. There, are you happy now? (I get the distinct impression that this survey was originally meant for a younger crowd. Oh well.)

    Whee, wasn’t that fun? Now you try.