I’d like to begin by welcoming the dozens who arrive here via The Memes List, and remind you (politely, ever so politely) that you are encouraged (very, ever so very) to leave a comment (it’s the “quack me up” or “wisequacks” link at the bottom of any given entry) so we all (okay, just me, to stroke my ego) know where to find your answers (assuming you don’t flee in disgust swearing off the whole thing as a bad job).

Was that silly enough for you? No? Good. Let’s proceed, then.

PAST: I can’t believe you used to do that. I mean, really. Didn’t anyone tell you that you shouldn’t? The mess! The smell! We won’t even go into what could happen if you got caught. You didn’t get caught, right? Right?

PRESENT: If you were faced with the choice right this minute would it be the leafy green homogenized free-range cajun-style, or the scented glossy well-coiffed hardwood islander variety? Hurry, hurry, we don’t have all day!

FUTURE: The language barrier has largely been surmounted, but the passive-agressive alien race with the lovely aquamarine eyes and the poison stingers and the remarkably prehensile appendages still has so much to learn about the myriad cultures of homo sapiens. You’ve been called in as an expert on the obscure subject of…?

For the record, as if anything said here counted as a valid method of tracking reality, I don’t smoke anything. I don’t even like smoked salmon all that much. If you want to share the silliness with your readers then I suggest you link back to the PPF using something that looks a lot like http://greyduck.net/ppf/ or whatever it translates to in your extraterrestrial tongue. Or speech-assist appendage, anyway. Sheesh, you aliens are so damned weird anyway. Why can’t you just have two arms, two legs and one set of genitalia like the rest of us? Freaks.