Here’s the thing: I, like so many geeklings, have self-esteem issues. This hardly makes me unique. In fact, part of my problem in that arena is my lack of uniqueness. I’ve written whined about this before, of course, but it bears mentioning here because coming to grips with the fact that I’m not demonstrably, markedly better than everyone else in some fashion is one of the keys to accepting who I am. (And dammit, it’s tough. I want to be exceptional in some useful fashion. I want not just to be good at something, but damned good. I’m not, unfortunately.)

The technique I most often use to deal with my feelings of inadequacy is humor, mostly in the form of pointed barbs at my own expense. I’m quite good at it. In fact, I’m so good that I sometimes find myself in the strange position of being angry at myself so I make a joke at my own expense that’s so funny it makes everyone around me laugh, then everyone cringes apologetically because they realize they’re laughing at my pain, and so I have to absolve them of their guilt. After all, I did say something funny, so it’s natural for them to laugh! (An odd side-effect of this experience is that it takes me “out of myself” in the process, so I’m then less angry at myself. Weird, huh?)

I may not be in the “stand up comedian” class of funny guys, but I’m not a complete slouch, either. This actually presents me with a challenge when it comes to handling my foibles and failings. My knee-jerk reaction is to joke about it, but that’s not helping anything. Is it? Okay, maybe the ability to laugh about it can help, but not the way I normally go about it. A challenge for me, then, is to find ways to express my frustration through the humor I’m so attuned to without turning it into a jab at myself. It’s a neat trick if I can pull it off, eh?

Not to say that if I stop making jokes at my own expense I’ll stop facing so many bouts of depression, but every little bit helps.
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