Category: Media

This is a container category for media reviews and related drivel.

  • Van Helsing

    I won’t go into tedious detail. I’m really only writing this because the movie was so utterly atrocious that I couldn’t not write about it. The short-short version is: This movie hates you. Every one of you.

    It’s corny. It’s overblown. It relentlessly offends the viewer’s intelligence. It makes up bits of monster-mythology out of whole cloth whenever the plot needs there to be a convenient bit of such. The music is an assault on good taste. The Brides are just plain badly done, especially when in “harpy” mode, which is what we’re treated (and I use that word very loosely) to more often than any other effect in the movie. Bits of utterly redundant exposition are thrown at us willy-nilly throughout. Bits of painfully anachronistic dialog are dropped hither an yon like so much smelly guano. Tropes from a dozen different movies are grafted together, much like Frankenstein’s monster was grafted together out of so many corpses of what used to be fully functional people. (Spotted: Aliens, Indiana Jones, any given James Bond flick, LXG, and that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head, many hours later.)

    The acting is hard to gauge, mainly because the plot and dialog are so execrable that the actors aren’t really given anything to work with. I feel sorry for Hugh Jackman, pity for Kate Beckinsale, and mild chagrin for the rest of the players sucked into this sorry mess. One gets the feeling they thought they were involved in the making of a rollicking-good action flick, but… no, instead their names are forever attached to such a godsforsaken disaster.

    What takes this movie from the level of just being a trite popcorn flick and directly into the realm of actual badness? Here’s an example, and I have no reason to avoid spoiling you on this bit: The Creepy Undertaker tries to cold-cock Van Helsing with a shovel from behind. V.H. spins and blocks the attack, then ducks aside as, get this, the werewolf V.H. was chasing leaps at him and instead catches the Undertaker right in the chest, knocking him partway across the cemetary, into an open grave. The shovel spins through the air and lands business-end down atop the Undertaker… and then the Undertaker’s hat flutters down atop the shovel handle, and spins there a few times, as if it was the icing atop some wonderful cinematic slice of cake.

    A swallow of cinematic ipecac, is more like it. It’s way, way too trite, too overdone, too “look at me that was cool wasn’t it cool damn you know that was so, so cool.” The whole damned movie is like that.

    Hateful. There’s no other way to describe it. I’m so very glad I paid no money at all to see this movie. I can’t even recommend it for a MST3K-style treatment, because any fun to be derived from making fun of it is vastly overshadowed by how much pain is involved in actually watching it. Again: Hateful.

    IMDB: Van Helsing

  • The Elder Gods

    I’ll give The Eddings this much: “The Elder Gods” is an improvement over the disaster named “The Redemption of Althalus.” As you can imagine, though, I don’t think that’s saying very much.

    What does this new book get right? Oddly enough, one of the improvements is that it doesn’t try so hard to be clever. Oh, you’ll recognize almost all of the catchphrases from earlier Eddings characters, but we’re not smothered in smirking repartee to nearly the level that “Althalus” reaches.

    Another improvement is a step away from The Eddings Archetypes. That’s right, folks, there is no instantly-recognizable Polgara/Sephrenia-type character in the book! Now, I like Aunt Pol well enough, but seeing her casually reworked for each new story gets a bit tiring.

    The last bit of good in this new series is the occasional hint of potential conflict between real characters some time down the road. This isn’t to say these hints will pay off, but it’s nice to think that this series may grow some actual fangs… eventually.

    That brings us to the disappointing aspects of the book.

    What we have here is a slightly better story told not entirely unlike that of “Althalus.” The chief differences are that there are more characters, and there’s no time travel involved. Oh, and the enemy’s even easier to hate. In fact, that’s among my biggest problems with this book. The baddies? Bug-snake-men. A giant swarming hive of ‘em. That’s right, folks, The Eddings are picking on a nice safe target instead of taking the risk that there may be actual moral qualms on the part of our intrepid heroes. This is a disturbing trend I’ve seen among a lot of recent genre works, this unwillingness to make actual people the antagonists. The only crisis is “the nasties are invading, we must stop them.”

    Well, okay, there is a minor crisis of conscience late in the book… and it’s resolved within a chapter or so. Right. Remember when it took several books in the series for Garion to finally come to grips with his treatment of Asharak the Murgo? Yeah, there’s nothing like that here.

    There’s another annoyance that you might not ordinarily think of as such. You see, everyone gets along. Very well. Extraordinarily well. Does this sound familiar to anyone? A diverse group of clever, intelligent, and overwhelmingly reasonable people who may find one another occasionally amusing but they all have “grudging” mutual respect? Have we been down this road a few times already? But this time it’s even better, because there’s multiples of everyone! We have two clever young lads who’d rather be doing something else but are forced by circumstances to take a larger role in things. We have two reluctant, moderately gifted, loyalty-inspiring leaders-of-men who are thrust into a campaign alongside what are normally mortal enemies but are so damned reasonable that they think almost nothing of it. We have four godlings, and four “dreamers” (of which the Aphrael-clone is one).

    Okay, I take it back, what I said earlier about there not being a Polgara-type: Mother Sea (yes, the Earth and the Sea are characters, as is the Moon) comes off as very much cut from that mold. Ah, well. At least she doesn’t show up very often. That’s got to count for something, right?

    We only have one exceptionally talented archer with uncommon perceptive skills and a knack for politics, military campaigns and espionage, but one of him is more than enough.

    What really irks me about this book, I suppose, is one of the things that irked me about “Althalus.” (Yes, I’m sure you’re shocked and amazed.) While the characterization in “The Elder Gods” is a huge improvement, the characters don’t generally have any meaningful flaws. Everyone’s just so damned likeable, and for some reason that makes me want to not like the whole bunch of them that much more.

    Again we contrast to the earlier, vastly superior Belgariad. Silk’s mouth got him in actual trouble from time to time. Garion’s youthful indecision and impulsiveness got everyone into trouble on occasion. Hettar was a classic obsessive type and had to be reined in fairly regularly. Mandorallen could be both impossibly dense and rudely overbearing at times. These characteristics were smoothed away a bit over the course of the series, but at least they didn’t start out in a state of near-perfection.

    Speaking of contrasts, how about those bad guys? A maimed, unloved god? An apostate former friend and ally? Various characters of significant magical or political power whose alliances tended to shift back and forth as need dictated? All of that made for interesting conflicts. And none of that is in this book. “Kill those bug-snake-men,” that’s the whole of it. They even manage to turn a decent mid-book all-human naval confrontation into just another skirmish against the hive critters, by grafting a wholly-unsurprising new motivation onto the antagonists of the moment.

    I think it boils down to the fact that The Eddings, much like Anne McCaffrey has done, have reached a point where they can’t stand hurting any of their characters, nor can they stand having lead characters that somebody out there may dislike in some way for any reason at all. But mostly it’s about the not-hurting. The problem is, if your characters aren’t getting hurt, where’s the conflict that drives the story?

    My all-time favorite fantasy-ish series is Raymond E. Feist’s “Riftwar” books, and most of the books that come after. (And by “most” I mean “everything but those forgettable ‘Krondor the Whatever’ books. Oh well, nobody’s perfect.) One thing Mr. Feist has done that impresses me is that he’s actually become tougher on his characters as time goes by. The first book of the “Serpentwar” series startled me with how gritty and harsh the depictions of war became. People died all over the place. Those who survived were scarred in some fashion, and the meaningful scars were psychological.

    One doesn’t go into an Eddings novel expecting that sort of gritty realism, but it’s hard to invest oneself in a story that’s so bland as to barely impose itself upon your psyche.

    That’s not the worst of it, though. Oh, no. There’s one last thing that really annoyed me, and that’s the climax of the military campaign (such as it was). It’s spoileriffic, however, so you may just want to stop reading here. Really.

    I’m about to spoil a big part of the ending. You can, if you want, stop reading this entry right here and get the gist of how I feel about the book.

    Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

    See, it was starting to get interesting there towards the end. The good guys get outsmarted, and then outmaneuvered, and then ambushed. Hey, the bad guys are getting in a good beating, this is pretty cool! Action, drama! Wait, what’s that? The good guys are cut off, surrounded, and running out of oh-so-clever ideas? Well now, let’s see what kind of heroic sacrifice or effort will be involved in getting out of this mess—

    ZOT! BOOM! And one of the gods makes the whole damned problem go away.

    Wait wait wait WAIT! Are you kidding me? We gave up on the “ex machina” and went for pure “deus”? No muss, no fuss, nobody gets hurt? ARGH! This is almost as bad of a cheat as the time-travel ourobourus ending to “Althalus,” and that’s saying something.

    Okay, the spoilers are done. It’s safe to read below this point.

    Was I entertained by this book? Oh, sure. Was I disappointed? Yes, that too. Is it an improvement over the author’s previous work? Mostly. Should you rush out and buy a copy? Used, paperback, maybe. If you liked “Althalus,” you’ll totally dig this. If you think the Eddings’ material started going downhill during or after the first Sparhawk series, you should probably steer clear of this unless you’re a sucker for their style of clever banter. (In case you hadn’t already figured it out: Unfortunately, I am.) If you’ve never read an Eddings book… go grab the Belgariad books, which are far and away the best material bearing the author’s name.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dive into the other book I picked up at Powell’s the other day…

  • Astronaut

    The lead-off single, Sunrise, from the new Duran Duran album has been kicking around the airwaves for quite some time now. Now that the album’s out (and my workplace was kind enough to kick me over a copy), I’ve had a chance to see if the rest of the album lives up to such a peppy, catchy selling track.

    I’m not sure how best to put this, but how about I just say that as a pop record, it succeeds on its own merits.

    I should explain. I generally listen to two types of music, much to my dear father’s chagrin: Rock, and Pop. The line between the two is often muddied, and I tend not to really care one way or the other which is which. The only real distinction between the two in my mind is that of Safe versus Risky. I don’t care how many guitars are playing, if the song is crafted so as to appeal precisely to a core demographic, it’s Pop. (Insert diatribe about so-called edgy “alternative rock” bands here.) Rock, admittedly, usually involves electric guitars. The Pet Shop Boys don’t exactly write what most people would consider “rock music.”

    Like I said, the line is often muddied. But bear with me, here.

    Astronaut is a very good pop record. It’s neatly, almost lovingly produced. There are nice variations in tone and tempo and effect. However, there’s not a risk taken anywhere. This thing is instantly recognizable as a Duran Duran record, and at no point is there a surprise track. Maybe your experience was different, but I was pleasantly surprised by some of the tracks on The Wedding Album. I’m thinking both of the two hit singles (Come Undone and Ordinary World) and some of the unaired tracks (Love Voodoo and Too Much Information). They sounded, of course, like Duran Duran… but they were just different enough to make me think, “Hey. Not bad. Way to do something unexpected, guys.”

    I listened to this new album all the way through and while at no point did I think that a particular song sucked (oddly enough, this too is unlike my experience with The Wedding Album), none of the songs stuck in my mind either. Are the lead-off tracks good? Sure, they’re catchy and peppy and all that, but a year from now nobody’s going to be listening to them.

    The closest thing to “something different” comes at the end of the album in the form of Still Breathing, a dark-ish piece that includes the idea of burning down one’s hometown. Now if only it was a more memorable song, I’d be more excited about this.

    By comparison, the Franz Ferdinand album is also a very carefully crafted pop record, but it works in a way Astronaut entirely fails to. If I was a more knowledgeable sort, I suppose, I could put my finger on exactly why, but there you have it. This is why I don’t write for Rolling Stone, Pulse, or that neighborhood rag you see at the store but never bother picking up.

    I’ll say it again: This is a very good pop record. If you like Duran Duran at all, this is not a bad purchase. I actually suspect that a few of these tracks would make outstanding remixes. But… I wanted something I could really get stuck in my head and enjoy the hell out of, and this ain’t it.

  • The Incredibles

    I’ve got a bit of a headache that’s centered just behind my right eyeball, so I’ll try to keep this brief.

    The Incredibles is Pixar’s crowning theatrical work. Period.

    Okay, I can expound on that just a little bit. For one thing, as was stated elsewhere (though I can’t remember exactly where right this minute), Spider-Man 2 is now officially the year’s second-best superhero movie. This movie’s got the whole meal deal: Drama, folks in funny outfits, several kinds of comedy, meaningful character interaction, clever ruses, action sequences that are both amusing and effective, snappy dialogue… yeah. It just doesn’t miss a beat.

    So I can get this wrapped up with a minimum of muss and fuss, I’ll leave you with some bullet points.

    • The “newsreel” stuff is golden; they capture the feel of an Untouchables-style exposition perfectly.
    • Mr. Incredible isn’t a doof. He’s blind to a few things, but in that painfully-real way that many guys are blind when they find themselves trapped in suburbia.
    • Elastigirl rocketh most mightily. ‘Nuff said.
    • Everything pays off. Watch for things that are given lip service at one point and show up again later. Some of them aren’t so subtle, but a few really are.
    • The kids aren’t wholly unlikeable. You don’t spend too much of the movie rooting for someone to slap sense into them.
    • The poignant moments are actually poignant. Nicely done.
    • Uh, go see this movie. Yeah, that’s it.

    That should cover it, though I’m sure I forgot some things…

  • Shadowmarch

    As I prepare to embark on a novel-writing adventure, I should tell you about my recent novel-reading adventure. And by “adventure” I mean “week-long slog.”

    So there’s this castle near the barrier/border between the lands of normal folks and the lands of the fairie-folk. The king’s been kidnapped, and through a series of circumstances power is thrust into the hands of twin royal siblings, Barrick and Briony. One’s a petulant, moody sort with a weak constitution. The other’s a hot-tempered, moody sort with a yen for crossdressing. There are other characters (and charicatures) running around, but the story centers on those two. Oh, and a halfling— um, Funderling named Chert. And… oh, nevermind. I’m not here to run through the list of principal characters who inhabit Southmarch. We’d be here all afternoon.

    Meanwhile, a continent or so away, we meet a young lady who gets sucked up into palace intrigue as the newest of a horde of wives of a pharaonic despot sort of ruler. Periodically the book takes little side trips to check on her miserable existence. One assumes that in later volumes she’ll become, you know, important or some-such.

    I’ll sum up: Lots of bad things happen. In fact, very few good things happen. People die, often in creepy and/or grisly fashion. Betrayals and intrigue abound. Dark magicks are employed. There’s not much in the way of humor, and there’s an incredible weight of plot setup that, one again assumes, will pay off in the later books. There’s no cliffhanger ending (though until the last few chapters I was convinced there would be), and in fact this book manages to end satisfactorily instead of just abruptly cutting off. Mind you, it’s one of those “now all the pieces are in motion for the next volume” endings, but it could’ve been worse.

    Did I enjoy it? Well enough to keep reading it every night or so, but when I hit the end I was relieved rather than antsy for the next book. That’s not what we call “a good sign.” Oh, it’s well written, and the characters are fairly well fleshed out, and at the end I got the feeling that the plot from there on out will be rather interesting… but getting to that point took some doing. “Tedious” is one word that comes to mind.

    Your mileage may vary, but my basic recommendation is to wait for it in paperback and pick it up only if you’re committed to the fantasy genre and really need a complex bit of work to sink your teeth into.

    Shadowmarch website

  • Sand in unfortunate places

    “Well, I think I found out why your computer’s having problems, Miss.”

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    “But I could just be going way out on a limb, of course”