Dear Inner Me,

Stop it. I mean, really. Cut it out.

This whole business of sabotage must cease, immediately. The random dark thoughts, the vapor-locking under pressure… I’ve had enough. And what’s this with the dreams lately? Last night I dreamed I had only a few months to live. Oh, great, like that is going to get me off on the right foot in the morning. Thanks awfully. The last dream I remember involved being utterly alone in the world, sort of a sadly pathetic Omega Man riff or some-such. Sheesh. Can’t I have some good dreams? You know, stuff like cavorting naked women? Something with lightness, humor, or even just a harmless pastoral scene? I’ll take what I can get at this point.

Oh, and you can stop with the random emotional kneecapping at inopportune moments. Like, say, last night. If I wanted a guilt trip I’d phone up my relatives.

And say, have you considered maybe doing something about the general agitation levels around here? The stress is probably killing me, and the sooner I go the sooner you’re gone, too. Maybe I’m a starry-eyed idealist but it seems to me that if we’re both happy we’ll live longer… and the whole secret to life is not dying, right?

I’m hoping we can resolve things peacefully. You don’t want me to come in there, now do you? Hmm?

I thought not.

My son, Alexander, was born on the 15th of August, twelve years ago.

Happy Birthday, Spud. I love you.

I want a new T-shirt. I want it to read, in large text, “YES, I AM A REGISTERED VOTER IN OREGON. NOW LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.”

You’d think that the headphones would deter them, but no, it only works on about half of them. You know who they are, the ones with the clipboards that want you to sign a petition, probably to let Ralph Nader get on the presidential election ballot in Oregon. (That, right there, is a good enough reason not to want to talk to these people.)

I’m sick and tired of being accosted just because I happen to be downtown, waiting for a bus or MAX, and therefore a captive audience. I’m all for participatory politics, don’t get me wrong, but after the 50th time (this week!) of hearing “Are you a registered voter in Oregon?” I’m starting to get tired of the process. It can be November sort of now-ish, thanks.

I don’t really have much to say about the last week or so. It’s been an interesting, enlightening, occasionally frustrating, sometimes depressing, sometimes delightful experience. I’m learning a few things about myself and how I relate to people. I’m uncovering yet more things about myself that I’m less than happy about… as well as things I’m moderately proud of.

Looking back, it probably wasn’t the best plan ever conceived. But I had to try, didn’t I? That’s the whole point of life: Trying things. Being willing to faceplant disastrously, taking that risk, is how we learn and grow.

Right?

All of that determination and belief doesn’t stop me from feeling like the world’s biggest doofus, though. Le sigh, le double sigh…

It’s sort of amusing that the only physical token of appreciation I’ve received (so far) for SysAdmin Appreciation Day came from someone outside of my office:

That Mari, is she all nifty and thoughtful and stuff or what? Yay!

If I don’t update here very often for the next week or so, I have good cause for my silence. See, I have company coming. Over the course of the next week and a half I’m to be visited both by Dawn and by Kim, who’s flying out from New York to take in the experience that is The City Of Roses. So when I’m not working or taking care of my other obligations (hey, kids, I got the new Sailor Moon today!) I’ll be showing one or both of them around town.

There are worse reasons to be dragged away from the computer, to be sure…