Looking For Quacks In The Pavement

Category: Quotes (Page 1 of 15)

Captain Tightpants I Am Not

I strolled toward the front door, shades in hand, denim jacket on, ready to enjoy a few minutes of sunshine. Feeling whimsical, I announced, “I aim to misbehave.”

Without missing a beat, Dolly (front desk/accounting gal) replied, “Do you even know how?”

“…Well. A little bit. I’m learning. Taking night classes, you know.”

Apparently I exude more of a straight-laced demeanor than even I myself had previously suspected. Hmm.

I like my sea kittens battered and fried.

In case you were wondering if PETA have completely lost their collective freaking mind, please permit me to present Exhibit #45,829-A, the Sea Kittens.

People don’t seem to like fish.

That depends upon how they’re prepared, I suppose.

Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone.

So… Nature has a PR team? Well now. Most of the marketing & PR types I’ve ever known like to hang out at sushi bars, which seems like a major conflict of interests in this case, doesn’t it?

(And: Britney Spears? Really? You guys couldn’t even try to keep this idiocy timely in some fashion?)

…We’re going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it’s time for a serious image makeover.

I have a clue for the folks at PETA: Small stupid scaly animals do not care about their “image.”

(On another note, I know people who put metal into their heads for decorative purposes, so there goes that part of their argument.)

And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

Many people. Some call them… fishermen.

Right. Like calling a fish by some cutesy name (let alone a creepy attempt at anthropomorphism) is going to eliminate from all humanity the urge to hook, net, gut and deep-fry those tasty critters. May I invite y’all to rejoin this little thing we call, “Reality”?


What’s another $38bil between friends?

Man, I hate posting about current events. I keep up on them, mind you. I just don’t post about them very often, mainly because I don’t want to get into arguments with strangers on the Internet. I also don’t want to get into argument with friends on the Internet, come to think on it.

With that said, I think I’ll take Two Lumps’ James L Grant’s recent post seriously. Here’s my humble rendition:

In case you’re wondering whether the men in suits we’re “bailing out” with fantastic amounts of money that’s being devalued by the minute are doing their utmost to set things right again, the answer would appear not only to be NO but also HELL NO. First AIG parties like there’s no tomorrow on our collective dime, then they hit up the Fed for more money. Hell, guys, all you had to do was not blow your wad to begin with! Let’s hear it for rewarding irresponsible behaviour!

I’m not (yet) in the doom-and-gloom camp, but this is the sort of thing that causes me to alternately weep for the future and froth with rage at the worlds of high finance and politics.

For more of the frothing, I recommend reading Mr. Grant’s aforementioned post. Be warned that strong language awaits. I kind of agree with this bit, though:

“I say we need to have these executives hauled into the streets like mad dogs and executed on national television.

“All those in favor?”


Oh God, save me from your followers.

In case you need an example of why I grow increasingly skeptical and anti-religious as the years go by, let me share with you a bit of something to make you think:

The rescuers were there in uniform, and the girl’s parents were interviewed. A reporter asked, “What do you want to say to the rescuers?” The father responded, “I want to tell them that we thank God for sending them!” Folks, let’s get some priorities in place here. This wasn’t a miracle, in any way. God didn’t send the rescuers, a telephone operator did. God didn’t supply the oxygen that the child received, nor the other first-aid techniques they applied. The rescue squad saved the girls life, after the omnipotent, all-seeing, omniscient one to whom churches have been erected all over the state ”“ allowed the child to fall into the water.

(Tip of the godless man’s hat to James Randi.)

Feeling Betrayed, Are We?

David Morgan-Mar is an awfully clever fellow, the man responsible for the inaccurately named “Irregular Webcomic.” Today’s entry is amusing on its own merits, but what broke through my general posting malaise is the commentary he wrote to go along with the comic. To wit:

Nothing anyone does can invalidate the pleasure you got out of enjoying some work of fiction or art in the past. You enjoyed it – you can’t un-enjoy it.

This is why, even though the last few years’ worth of (for instance) Anne McCaffrey’s writing output disappointed me on various levels, I can still go back and read the books I love without the experience being “tainted” by what comes later. I don’t grok the notion of being “betrayed” by an author or musician or filmmaker.

Anyway, go read Mr. Morgan-Mar’s commentary on “betraying the fans,” a good piece of writing that I wholly agree with.

The King Of Perfect Timing

I’ve always had a few knacks, among them a knack for being proven wrong almost immediately after making a definitive statement. This time the knack which has bitten me in the backside is that which gives me the utmost in perfectly ironic timing. If I do something, there’s a good chance that if I’d simply waited a day or two I’d have known not to do that something.

On Sunday I purchased the license code for the City of Heroes/City of Villains “Good Versus Evil” edition for the kids’ account so they could get some extra character slots per server and go into supergroup bases and such like that. So, guess what yesterday’s press release from NCSoft had to say?

Today we announced the acquisition of City of Heroes from Cryptic Studiosâ„¢ and the formation of our new Northern California studio which we are informally calling NCsoft® NorCal […]. Nearly the entire City of Heroes team from Cryptic Studios has joined the NCsoft team and together we have formed the core of our new studio.

Okay, so far so good. What’s the catch?

All players with City of Heroes retail accounts will now have access to City of Villains, and all City of Villains retail accounts will now have access to City of Heroes. Players that didn’t previously have access to “the other side” will find that they do now.

Oh. Well… I suppose that’s a good thing… for people who didn’t plunk $30 down for said “access to City of Villains” a mere 48 hours beforehand! Dagnabbit.

(It bears mentioning, footnote-style, that the “GvE” edition provides a few in-game perks that probably won’t be given away with this “access to” bonus from NCSoft. Still, I could’ve bought the code for said perks alone and spent twenty dollars less. Such is my life, eh? And the kids get the benefit now instead of having to wait ’til NCSoft blesses everyone. So. There’s that, at least.)

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