We’ve had our rush of danger and suspense, so now it’s time for some light-hearted fun and frolic. It’s our longest script yet, so join the Tenchi gang for Ryo-ohki Special: The Night Before The Carnival. (Carnival not included.)

  Guardians: So, do you think we’ll spend the rest of our existence as gateposts?
Ryoko: Booga booga booga.
Tenchi: Mwaah! Sheesh Ryoko, that’s a terrible way to wake up. And stop coming into my room like that.
Ryoko: But I worry about you soooo much!
Tenchi: I’m pretty sure I’m safe. And I’d like some privacy, if you don’t mind.
Ryoko: You sure you can handle it in there by yourself?
Tenchi: It’s the bathroom, Ryoko. I’m pretty sure. Now go away and stop peeping in on me.
Ryoko: *whine* *sob*
Tenchi: Hmm. A ring that nobody’s ever seen before. I don’t need it, so–
*flash* *transform*
Tenchi: …the hell? I know this is a one-off special, but do the writers have to throw continuity completely to the wind? And how did I get this acorn?
Ryoko: Tenchi… *sob*
Aeka: Look at you, Ryoko. You’ve sunk to an all-time low.
Ryoko: *glare*
Tenchi: Aeka, Tsunami apparently gave this to me and told me it’s Ryu-oh’s seed. And don’t ask how I transformed into a third set of clothes.
Aeka: Thank you, Tenchi! I shall go on and on about how much I want to thank you!
Ryoko: *sob*
Aeka: Miss Washuu, may I ask you a favor?
Washuu: Sure, but beware my reverse-Napoleonic complex.
Aeka: *shrug* Whatever. Could you create a place in which I could plant this seed?
Washuu: Piece of cake.
Aeka: Of course it is, for a genius of your stature!
Washuu: Keep it comin’, kissass. Just for that I’m going to tease you just a little, you spunky princess you.
Washuu: Now let’s burn through some exposition and get this show rolling.
Tenchi: Once again, I’m the resident carrot farmer. Deja vu, anyone?
Ryo-ohki: Meow! (Translation: “Less chatter more carrots, little man.”)
Ryoko: Whatcha up to, Mihoshi?
Mihoshi: I’m reading this manga, see, and the girl just dropped her panties and the boy caught them and–
Sasami: *deep sigh*
Ryoko: Booga booga!
Sasami: Yaaaa! Oh, it’s only you Ryoko.
Ryoko: So what are you two doing?
Sasami: Getting hooked on shoujo manga. It’s really good for getting a lot of really bad ideas about how relationships work.
Ryoko: I could learn how to get Tenchi’s love?
Sasami: *blink* Um, sure. Exactly. Here, take a look.
Ryoko: Woo hoo!
Sasami: I have to make breakfast… and get far enough away that you won’t hear me giggling like a naughty schoolgirl.
Tenchi: Sasami, I’m home!
Sasami: Great, breakfast is ready. Go round up everybody. Oh, and Aeka is in Washuu’s lab.
Tenchi: Washuu’s… I really don’t want to go there.
Ryo-ohki: Mrow. (Translation: “Oh, this should be rich.”)
Tenchi: Oh, Washuu? Breakfast is ready. Where’s Aeka?
Washuu: She’s in the Unit, probably planting carrots.
Ryo-ohki: Meow meow! (Translation: “I’m not that stupid, but if that’s the way you want to play this…”)
Tenchi: You’re up to something, aren’t you?
Washuu: Clever boy.
Ryo-ohki: Meow meow mrow… (Translation: “What do you know, maybe Washuu wasn’t pulling my tail…”)
Aeka: Mwaaah! That is NOT a carrot! Back off!
Washuu: Tenchis are like onions, they have layers. And I’m going to peel them all!
Tenchi: Um, was it necessary for me to get undressed?
Washuu: In the interests of science, no. In the interests of humiliating you, yes.
Tenchi: Sasami’s got breakfast for us, you know…
Washuu: Ah! There’s one physical sample left to collect! Wait right there, Tenchi…
Tenchi: As if I had a choice?
Washuu: Like the uniform?
Tenchi: So are you a nurse or a candystriper?
Washuu: A little of both, probably.
Tenchi: Mwaah! What are you doing?
Washuu: I need a sperm sample. It’s strictly medical… *blink* *blink* HELLO!
Tenchi: Ack!
Washuu: I’ve got magic fingers!
Tenchi: I don’t care!
Washuu: Let’s shake the dew off this lily, shall we? *grab*
Mihoshi: Excuse me…
Washuu: *blink* Huh? How the hell did you find your way here?
Mihoshi: I just, um, went looking for everybody because, ah, breakfast is getting cold, and…
Washuu: Idiotic AND improbable. I need better locks on the doors.
Mihoshi: What were you two doing?
Washuu: Um, er, playing doctor!
Mihoshi: Well, don’t let me stop you!
Washuu: Hey, don’t sit there. Don’t touch that. No, not that either. Sheesh, do you know how to listen or follow simple instructions?
*bleep* *bang* *fizzle* *pop*
Tenchi: All I wanted was a nice breakfast…
Sasami: Those ingrates. *sigh*
Ryoko: Hmm. This stuff seems pretty weird, but if that’s what Earthlings do then it’s worth a try!
Sasami: C’mon, Ryo-ohki. Ryoko’s about to make a fool of herself. We can’t miss this!
*shove* *crash*
Ryoko: I’m so sorry! Did I hurt you? Oh I’m blushing like an Earth girl! I read somewhere that Earth girls are easy!
Tenchi: Ryoko, are you brain damaged or something?
Ryoko: Oh! You bold Earth boy! *shove*
Tenchi: Yep, she’s flipped what passes for her lid. Ow.
Mihoshi: Ryoko, you look ill.
Ryoko: (muttering) Go away. I’m at the important part.
Mihoshi: Yep, you’re in need of some cold medicine. C’mon now…
Aeka: Okay, what was THAT all about?
Sasami: Um, Ryoko read Tenchi’s father’s books for research.
Aeka: Research? Do tell.
*trip* *thud*
Aeka: Oh, you’re hurt! Let me tend your wound! My name is Aeka, don’t forget it!
Yosho: Who needs the life of a Juraiian prince when I can sit around writing bad poetry here on Earth? Tenchi, what are those crazy girls up to now?
Tenchi: Your guess is as good as mine.
Aeka: Who said you could use my guardian?
Ryoko: Who said you could copy my plan?
  Guardians: Who knew our lives could get even more degrading?
Sasami: It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, Ryo-ohki.
Ryo-ohki: Meow! (Translation: “You totally rule, Sasami.”)
*fantasy sequence*
Aeka: Ack! I was daydreaming when I should have been counting stitches!
*fantasy sequence*
Ryoko: Okay Ryo-ohki, taste this.
Ryo-ohki: Mrow? Mrr. (Translation: “You’re kidding right? I’m only doing this because I see carrots in it. Ack!”)
Ryoko: A little more of this, a bottle more of that… one of these ingredients has to do the trick… or, maybe not. *sigh*
Tenchi: I’m home!
  Aeka/Ryoko: Welcome home, Tenchi!
Tenchi: Oh no.
Ryoko: Look, I have a horoscope to read you!
Aeka: So do I, look!
Tenchi: Did you know those books are ten years old?
Washuu: But this one here is hot off the press! And it says we’re a perfect match!
Ryoko: I’ve got an idea.
Yosho: Why, of course you have my blessing to marry Tenchi.
Ryoko: Ha ha!
Yosho: Mihoshi, have you considered Tenchi as a potential boyfriend?
Aeka: Ryo-ohki, deliver this letter to Tenchi and I’ll give you all the carrots you want. As if you didn’t get them already, of course.
Ryo-ohki: Meow! (Translation: “You’ve got a deal, sister!”)
Tenchi: Hey, whatcha got there Ryo-ohki?
Ryo-ohki: Meow mrow meow! (Translation: “A headache because I keep forgetting I can fade through doors. And a letter from that uppity Princess down the hall.”)
Tenchi: Wow. Cabbit’s in a big hurry.
Ryo-ohki: *fade* Meoww! (Translation: “Ah, duped!”)
Tenchi: “… I will wait for you after school”? If this episode gets any cheesier I’m going to spew.
Sasami: I’ve got a better idea, Tenchi. Fetch me some veggies for dinner.
Tenchi: Be glad to. Um… Mwaah! Dozens of Ryo-ohkis! And there go our carrots…
Washuu: Okay, back to the pond with you, naughty crystals! And no, I’m not going to explain this to the viewer. The show’s full of mystery and wonder, get it?
Sasami: So many Ryo-ohkis! How cute!
Tenchi: And it’s back to the carrot plantation for me… good thing we plant super-fast-growing carrot crops. Who says GM foods are evil?
Aeka: Um. Isn’t it after school YET?
Ryoko: Aeka, we’d have an easier time of this if we narrowed the playing field a little. Besides, we’re the only ones providing fanservice in this show so who needs Mihoshi and Washuu?
Aeka: Your proposal is intriguing, do tell me more while we bathe together.
  Ryoko/Aeka: Ah ha ha ha ha!
Ryoko: (on phone) This is your superior at the Galaxy Police! You are ordered to return at once to deliver your report!
Yosho: Don’t mind me, but I don’t want to miss this priceless crank call. *shuffle*
Mihoshi: Yes sir, Detective First Class Mihoshi is on her way!
Ryoko: Oh, how gullible she is! Um, wasn’t Yosho’s table on the other side of the room a minute ago?
Aeka: Now let’s go talk to Washuu, I’m sure she can scare you up a spaceship. And please don’t take note of how convenient my presence and advice is at this particular moment.
Washuu: Yes, my genius intellect is put to work as a spaceship salvage consultant. Thank you very much. There it is!
*zap* *whoosh* *gasp!*
Mihoshi: It’s the demon, it was trapped with the spaceship! What do we do?!?
Washuu: *bzzt* Having a foolish daughter means more work for mom!
Aeka: Well, THAT was sure simple.
Ryoko: Shut up!
Sasami: Bye Mihoshi.
Tenchi: Bye Mihoshi, good luck. And drop in again some time. Literally.
Mihoshi: Oh, I will, I will! You can count on that!
  Aeka/Ryoko: (sing-song) Bye bye now! Don’t come back for a long ti-ime…
Aeka: Mmmph mmm? (Translation: “…the hell did I end up bound and gagged?”)
Ryoko: *snicker* And that’s that. Wish me luck, Princess! *fade*
Yukinojo: We’re ready to transmit the report, Mihoshi. I need your password.
Mihoshi: Um, uh… ‘there was an old lady who lived in a shoe’?
Yukinojo: Oddly enough, that’s it.
Mihoshi: Wow.
Yukinojo: Now for the verbal report.
  Aide: You did it, Mihoshi! Blah blah blah huge explosion blah blah blah spectrum analysis blah blah blah Souja blah blah.
Mihoshi: Okay, I’m going back to Earth now!
  Aide: Um, you said what? Are you sure? Um, you need permission from Jurai to go to Earth.
Mihoshi: I’m not a child anymore. And don’t worry about my grandfather, the Marshal. And he said I could come back! So that’s that. Or something. Bye!
  Aide: Well, might as well get started on the paperwork…
Ryoko: Finally. Tenchi. But first, I think I’ll play with myself. Er, fantasize a bit. Um, do some play-acting. And now, Tenchi… we’re gonna get wet.
*slide* *beep* *splash*
Ryoko: …? I’m in the pond! Oooo, that Aeka! *fade*
Aeka: Good thing I set up that forcefield on Tenchi’s door! And you tried to go in there without even knocking! That’s a plot point, damn you, so pay attention!
Ryoko: Okay, fine, you can have sex with him first.
Aeka: You said what?
Ryoko: You heard me.
Aeka: I am not a woman of loose morals!
Ryoko: Baby, I can smell your hormones. ‘My mind and body are pure, make love to me!’ Heh.
Aeka: I couldn’t, I mean, no, it’s too early, um…
Ryoko: Okay, then I’ll go first.
Aeka: Well, that’s– WHAAT? Oh, no you do not! I shall stop you!
Ryoko: You and what army, Princess?
*begin dream sequence*
Sasami: Tenchi? Aeka? Ryo-ohki? Anyone?
*crack* *thud*
Sasami: No, don’t take Tenchi. Don’t! Don’t!
*end dream sequence*
Sasami: Don’t take him away, Tokimi! Um. Boy, I hope that wasn’t more foreshadowing. Can’t they get somebody else to do this? I need a hug.
*struggle* *shove* *push* *growl* *glare*
Sasami: *sob*
*knock* *knock*
Tenchi: What’s wrong, Sasami?
Sasami: *sob* I had a scary dream. Can I sleep with you?
Tenchi: Where’s Aeka?
Sasami: With Ryoko.
Washuu: Fighting again, I bet.
Tenchi: Those two!
Ryo-ohki: Meow! (Translation: “Yep, I’m in here too. We’re all sleeping with Tenchi. Sucks to be you two, Ryoko and Aeka!”)
  Aeka/Ryoko: Hmm?!? Wait a minute!
*run* *grab* *beep* *splash* … *whine*
Tenchi: What was that noise?
Washuu: Two wet fools who forgot to knock. I love the smell of irony in the evening.
Tenchi: What was your dream about, Sasami?
Sasami: Oh, just some useless foreshadowing.
Tenchi: I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything. G’nite!
  Aeka/Ryoko: *drip* *sigh* *flop*
Tenchi: What’s that sound?
Washuu: Oh, just Mihoshi’s shuttle.
Tenchi: D’oh!
Yukinojo: Mihoshi, shouldn’t you be applying the reverse brake?
Mihoshi: Silly robot, wouldn’t a “reverse brake” be called the accelerator?
Yukinojo: Point. Let’s try again. Shouldn’t we be slowing down?
Mihoshi: The autopilot should take care of that. Oh wait, Earth doesn’t have a beacon system. Whoopsie!
*glow* *roar*
  Aeka/Ryoko: Mwahahahahahahahaha…
  Guardians: And here we are, bookending the show. Well, almost! Look, the house was totally destroyed except for the panel containing the door to Washuu’s lab…
Aeka: Mwaah! Ryo-ohki, I told you before, that is NOT a carrot!
Ryo-ohki: Meow meow! (Translation: “Stupid Princess, I was talking with your sapling. It has better sense than you do.”)
Aeka: Oh.