The product is called “VMware.” It is, in effect, a server that allows you to host a number of virtual computers on a single machine. The geek value for something like this is through the roof, which makes the following instructions found in the upgrade documentation terribly amusing.

8. Select your mouse.

Here are some helpful mouse identification hints:

• If the connector is round, your mouse is a PS/2 or a Bus mouse.
• If the connector is trapezoidal with nine holes, it is a serial mouse.
• If the connector is a flat rectangle with a slot, it is a USB mouse.

I’ll grant you that their instructions are wholly accurate. However, I question the judgement of the person who thinks (s)he has any business at all installing or upgrading a sophisticated piece of software but doesn’t know how to tell one type of pointing device from another!

Craigslist, usually a treasure trove of job postings, is almost a dry well this week. One of the very few recent entries in the main category I check even turned out to be, let’s say, miscategorized. (”Work from home! Type things for us!” Er, no.)

And then we have what might have looked to be an interesting job opportunity…

Part of the technical support team for a state-wide data communications network connecting WAN to LANs.

Been there, done that. It’s a contract gig, but if that’s what it takes to put food on the table…

The team is responsible for network security, disaster and recovery, video, voice and data communications, protocols, software and hardware products and peripherals…

Neat. Sounds like a well-rounded JOAT kind of gig. Just what I’m looking for!

…that run on all platforms including Mainframe,…

You don’t capitalize that, sir. It’s not a proper name, it’s a generic noun. So what type of platform is it? Inquiring minds jobseekers want to know.

…Microsoft Exchange,…

This is correctly named in the posting, but whether it’s a “platform” is a flamewar discussion best left to people with more idle time than myself.

…Microsoft Windows XP…

Also correctly named, this is only a “platform” at the desktop level. Consider this not so much a boneheaded selection but more as a part of the pattern to be revealed.

…and Microsoft Server 2000.

Aha! I now know their definition of “platform.” It’s “anything with an M at the start of its name.” Problem is, they named this wrong. It’s Windows 2000 Server.

Here’s the thing. If you’re advertising “all platforms,” you might want to include concrete examples of platforms that don’t originate in Redmond, Washington. No UNIX or variants and derivatives are listed, no Mac, nothing but the mysterious “Mainframe”…

Duties: [...] Configure client software, i.e. ODBC drivers, Outlook and Exchange e-mail access, protocols, adapters, and TN3270 host emulation.

…which I suspect is an IBM AS/400 (great merciful heavens, why not just say so?) based on that TN3270 emulation notation. This makes me wonder why they’re not using 5250 instead, though.

Of course I’ll never know, because…

This position requires a valid driver’s license. Travel throughout the state may be required.

In this instance, I think it’s for the best. Don’t you?

Issue 7 of the City of Heroes (and Villains) game came out today, so I’ve rolled a Thugs Mastermind named Carmine Santiago. (He’s dressed mostly in red, and his biographical data reads, “Where in the world IS he…?” This is all Geoffrey’s fault. Heh.) As I was rolling through the Tutorial Zone, I noticed a fellow neophyte villain sporting what seemed like an odd name…

Me: Zion’s Furry, eh? Is that “Furry” or “Fury”?
Zion’s Furry: Furry.
Me: So Zion has you dressing up in animal costumes? Interesting.
Zion’s Furry: [Disconnecting in 29... 28... 27... 26...]
Me: *snicker*

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my new thug-wrangler for a spin…

I’m tempted to turn some of Lisa’s posted examples of misbegotten metaphor into taglines. I mean, consider the following:

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

I’ll grant you, that one’s very Douglas Adams, isn’t it? (”The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”) But still. It gets better:

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Priceless!

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Now that’s a delightful mental image, isn’t it?

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

Aren’t they though? And my absolute favorite rounds out the list:

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

I hate it when I do that!

This Friday evening. Backspace, downtown Portland. 6pm to (roughly) 8pm. You know you want to.

In entirely unrelated news, I’m rekindling my love of language. It helps that I came across this semicolon quiz; I learned a few things and remembered how much I love fiddling with words. Hence the following:

Me: Gah. Gonna go get grub.
Me: Whoah. I didn’t actually mean for that to be alliterative.
Kylanath: bah
Kylanath: suuuure you didn’t =P
Me: *blushes*

[... time passes ...]

Me: Finally freed for food foraging. Currently chomping chicken.
Kylanath: cool
Me: (That time, I meant it. Heh.)

Yes, I’m a big ol’ dorkwad. You knew this already, I suspect, so I can assume that fact doesn’t bother you too much or you wouldn’t still be here…

It figures that I’d find myself posting this the day after I post that Sci-Fi quiz meme thing…

I have to admit something moderately geeky to you all, here. One of the reasons I so enjoy the movie version of The Fugitive starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones is because of the One-Armed Man. Why? Because he’s G’Kar, of course!

Andreas Katsulas wasn’t the most recognizable name in film or television, but he had a distinctive voice. Buried under latex, he spent five years (and an additional appearance or two afterward) portraying one of the most important and memorable characters in the Babylon 5 series. J. Michael Straczynski, the man behind Babylon 5, had this to say:

He lived an amazing life…full of travel and wonder and good work…was part of the world renowned Peter Brook company…he saw the planet, loved and was loved, ate at great restaurants, smoked too many cigarettes…he lived a life some people would die for.

And, sadly, due to the last part of that equation…he did.

[...]

Andreas is gone…and G’Kar with him, because no one else can ever play that role, or ever will.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to pore over some of my old quotes collections. For instance…

“Doesn’t make sense.”
“You’re right, that’s the bit that worries me.”
“If you are going to be worried every time the universe doesn’t make sense, you are going to be worried every moment of every day for the rest of your natural life.”

– G’Kar and Marcus in Babylon 5:”Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?”

Nah, let’s leave this with one of the fall-down-funny bits, instead. The best elevator scene, ever. (Edit: I left out the “most appealing” bit when I originally posted this. Bad fanboy, no spoo for you!)

“You want to live as much as I, hmm?”
“Oh, yes, but I would much rather see you dead!”
“Oh, I see. Well, here I am. Come on. Kill me! Come kill me!”
“You forget the terms of our surrender! The penalty for the killing of any Centauri by any Narn will be the death of 500 Narns including the perpetrator’s own family! But I don’t have to kill you… I don’t have to do anything! And I still get to watch you die! I find this most appealing!”
“This is insane! We must work together!”
“No. As the humans say: Up yours, guy!”

[...]

“There, you see! I’m going to live.”
“So it would seem. Well, it’s an imperfect universe.”
“Bastard.”
“Monster.”
“Fanatic.”
“Murderer.”
“You are insane!”
“And that is why we’ll win.”
“Go be the ambassador to Babylon 5 they say. Will be an easy assignment. Ah, I hate my life.”
“So do I.”
“Shut up!”

– Londo and G’Kar in Babylon 5:”Convictions”

(Yes, I know that the words aren’t his, but it’s the performance as much as the content that stays with you…)