10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
11th Commandment: covet not thy neighbour's Pentium.
1200 bps used to seem so fast...
1348. The Black Death, typhus, cholera...those were the days.
1453 - Turkish law makes it legal for a woman to divorce her husband if he fails to provide her with her daily coffee quota. (Is this where "grounds for divorce" came from?)
186,000 mps: it's not just a good idea--it's the law!
#1 BORG Hit Parade: We all sleep in a single subroutine
1st Law of Thermodynamics: Go to class!!
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
355/113 - Not the famous number Pi, but a great simulation!
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 not found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
"42? Seven and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?!"
43% of all statistics are worthless.
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr...
<>!*''#|^"`$$-|!*=@$_|%*<>~#4|&[]../|{,,SYSTEM HALTED
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981
666.1 - The bugfix of The Beast!
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
80% of all questions that begin with the word `why' can be answered with the simple sentence `people are stupid.'
90% of all statistics are made up
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
90% of everything is crud. The remainder is outright sh-t.
9 out of 10 serial killers own cats.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A bad day on the bike always beats a good day in the office!
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here. (If you have already abandoned hope, please disregard this notice.) 
A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
A big enough hammer fixes anything.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you have turned into a pile of dust.
Aborton kills, but so does McDonalds.
(A)bort (R)etry (F)ail (U)nplug & (S)ell.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)orget It!
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer?
(A)bort, (R)etry or (G)et a stick and kill it
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
Above all things, revere yourself.
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
A cat has to have a name, or else it wouldn't be a cat.
A cat is a four footed allergen.
A cat is always on the wrong side of a door.
A cat is an animal who never cries over spilled milk.
A cat is an extension of God.
A cat is easier to train than a moderator.
A cat is nobody's fool.
A cat is the universe's way of showing us perfection.
A Cat's courage is as strong as a dog's chain
A Cat shall lead them, but it will be a trip of sudden starts, stops, reversals and darting from side to side.
A cat sleeps fat, yet walks thin.
A cat spends her life conflicted between a deep, passionate and profound desire for fish and an equally deep, passionate and profound desire to avoid getting wet.  This is the defining metaphor of my life right now.
A cat will assume the shape of its container.
A cat will go "quack" - if you squeeze it hard enough.
A cat would be man's best friend, but never stoops to it.
Access denied - nyah nyah nya nyah nyah!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
A Christian relies on faith above everything else. A Wiccan relies on it only when nothing else is left.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
Ack!!
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A closed mind gathers no intelligence
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A committee has 6 or more legs and no brain.
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -- Mitch Ratcliffe
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining.
Actually, cats are quite good at domesticating humans.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
Ad astra per aspera.
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Addams Family Thing dies - Wrists in Peace.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Admit nothing.  Deny everything.  Make counter-accusations.
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A few cans short of a six pack. Six cans short, to be precise.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few thousand rads never hurt anybody.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are my two favourite people.
A fool and his money is what keeps tech support in business. 
A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
Afraid of heights? Not me, I'm afraid of widths!
A free society is one where it's safe to be unpopular.--Adlai E. Stevenson
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control bills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
After a hard day, it's nice to come home to a warm cat.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After a night of bliss with Scotty below decks, Sulu did his best to maintain an air of professionalism...but oh, those hands, that magnificant shock of black hair and that faint, alluring smell of dilithium...
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
Age brings wisdom...or age shows up alone.  You never know.
A good bookshop is just a genteel black hole that knows how to read.
A good fight is like a stick of broccoli, but different.
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
A good landing is one you walk away from. A -great- landing is one where they can use the plane afterwards.
A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.
A good pun is its own reword.
A good quantum physicist is hard to find.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby!"
A good witch harms no one. A better witch laughs at the good witch.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices. -- Edward R. Murrow
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
A hangover: the wrath of grapes.
A harp is a nude piano.
Ah, I see you've decided to go psycho. Godspeed.
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
Ah yes, Halloween, or, as I generally refer to it, 'amateur night'.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
A is A - Aristotle
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my leather jacket. "You know, a cow was murdered for that jacket!"  she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Alchemy: it's all fun and games until somebody creates an abomination and loses a limb.
Alexander the Grape: He Concord the world.
Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $1000.
A library is an arsenal of liberty.
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. -- Mark Twain
A life?  Cool!  Where can I download one of those from?
A life lived in fear is half a life lived.
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
A little madness now and then is relished by the wisest men.
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
A living example of Artificial Intelligence.
All biography is ultimately fiction.
All cape, no Superman.
All computers run at the same speed... with the power off.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All dogs go to heaven. Cats watch them leave.
All E-mail gladly received. Offensive reply ASAP.
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
ALL FANATICS MUST DIE!
All generalizations are bad.
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here.
All I need to know I learned from my cat.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
All men have the right to dig their own graves, and I have the right to sell them the shovels.
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
All programers are optimists.
All right, who put the "morning people" in charge?
All Scottish food is based on a dare.
All stressed out, and no one to choke...
All suspects are innocent until proven Discordian in a Court of Chaos.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the easy problems have been solved.
All the world's a stage, and I missed rehearsal.
All things are green unless they are not.
All things come to him who waits... As long as he works like hell while he waits.
All those women who say they scoff at cheesy, sentimental pick-up lines are obviously hanging around the wrong men.  For me, a simple "If you ever want to see your Mommy alive again..." works every time.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All words are pegs on which to hang ideas.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.
Almost went crazy. Would have been a real short trip.
Alone: In bad company.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
Although I'm not Canadian, I tend to like their bacon.
Always do what you are afraid to do. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
A man must consider what a rich realm he abdicates when he becomes a conformist. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
A man needs a good memory after he has lied.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A man's got to know his limitations. (Clint Eastwood)
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'... - Alexi Sayle
A Metaphor is like a Simile.
A midget fortune-teller escapes from prison. Headline reads: Small Medium At Large.
A mind is a terrible thing to confuse with an egg.
A mind is a terrible thing to cut and paste.
A mind is a terrible thing to ... er ... hmmmm?
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
A mouse may be useful, but only for cat food.
A much-discussed alternative to homogeneous big-bang nucleosynthesis has been the first-order quark-hadron phase-transition-inspired inhomogeneous model.
Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Anarchists unite!
Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea.
An authority is anyone who guessed right more than once.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And God said: E = (+mv) - (Ze)/r ...and there *WAS* light!
And God said: Let there be vodka!  And He saw that it was good.  Then God said: Let there be light!  And then He said: Whoa - too much light.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
...and I should care, why?
And it's only ones and zeros.
And, lo, I say to you, it would be easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle if it was well greased first.
And now for something completely different...
And now for something completely the same...
And now for something ruder...
And on the 8th day, God created cats....
...and on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."
And so Phillip learned two lessons that day: piranhas don't like donuts, and even if they did, you'd be better off putting them on a stick of some sort so you can still father children afterward.
And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle.--Stan Dunn
And the Lord looked down, and shook His finger, saying, "Bad dog! BAD dog!"--Hellfire and Dalmation
And the only thing the Borg left was this Macintosh...
And therefore education at the University mostly worked by age-old method of putting a lot of young people in the vicinity of a lot of books and hoping that something would pass from one to the other, while actually young people put themselves in the vicinity of inns and taverns for exactly the same reasons.  - Terry Pratchett
...And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a ploughshare, he'll know he's been hit.
And they shall plow their swords into beach chairs.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
And your point is...? 
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
A new standard in obfuscation, ambiguity, & equivocation.
An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field. -- Niels Bohr
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. -- Aldous Huxley
An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.-- Dan Rather
Another case of Cherry Coke down the programming hatch!
Another casualty of applied metaphysics.
Another multi-idiot pileup on the Cross-Clueville expressway....
Another victim of involuntary performance art.
Another victory for truth, justice, and automatic weapons.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
Answers: $1 * Correct answers: $5 * Dumb looks: Free! *
An ulcer is what you get mountain climbing over molehills.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Anus rodentum non gratis. (I don't give a rat's ass.)
Anybody who cannot comprehend mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wash, cook food, and not make messes on the couch.
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Any excuse to wear a sword is a good excuse.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do.
Anyone who says that air is free is not a diver.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
Any shrine is better than self-worship.
Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
Any sufficiently advanced man is indistinguishable from God.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.  (Arthur C. Clarke)
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
Anything I do is purely coincidental.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Anything will fit if you push hard enough.
Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
A penny for your thoughts - $20 to act them out.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A program without bugs is obsolete.
"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first." -- Oscar Levant
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Archers: That which does not kill us becomes a pin cushion. 
A redneck's last words: "Hey Bubba, watch this!"
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
Are Egyptian back doctors cairopractors?
A relationship is like a shark. It has to keep moving forward or it dies.
Aren't cats just widdle furry balls of love?
Are we having Fahrvergnugen yet??
Are you really American if your ethnicity has to be hyphenated?
Are you still here? The message is over. Shoo! Go away!
Are you wearing a toupe or is that a TRIBBLE on your head?
Arguing over the Internet is like being in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're retarded.
Armed FARCES: The army is rendered useless in a Sci-Fi or action movie, and the true hero turns out to be an average Joe.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A rose by any other name would be "deadly thorn-bearing assault vegetation."
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. -- M. Cartmill
ASCII stupid question... get a stupid ANSI!
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
As he lay dozing beside me, a little voice said, "Relax.  You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient."  Then another little voice said, "But Rebecca, you're a veterinarian."
A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
As I grow older and older, And totter towards the tomb, I find that I care less and less, Who goes to bed with whom. -- Dorothy Sayers
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Ask me about my explosively angry reaction to stupid questions.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
As long as there are damaged goods, there will always be people willing to look through Cupid's bargain bin. -- Something Positive
A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
.ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
As my friend Tom says, "It may be short--but it's skinny, damnit!"
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
A statement of fact cannot be insolent. - Orac
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
A sucking chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
A sword in the hand is worth two in the Stone.
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. -- Hagar the Horrible
At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day!
At first there was nothing. Then God said 'Let there be light!' Then there was still nothing. But you could see it.
Atheist achieving orgasm: "Oh Random!  Oh, Chance!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A tribble a day keeps the Klingons well fed.
A true adman writes the prose and cons.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Attention all planets of the Solar Federation: We have assumed control.
At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies. -- P. G. Wodehouse
At the couples' retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'  The woman wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like Bob and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.' And Bob wrote: 'I love sex.'
"At this point, the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it." -- Dan Rydell, "Sports Night"
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. -Dorothy
A victim of a prank, Geordi puts a banana over his eyes.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A wise man once told me, "How the hell did you get past the dogs?!"
A woman walked into the bar and asked for a double entendre. So the bartender gave her one... if you know what I mean.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A yer ago I kudnt spel progremr now I are won.
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
Bad breath is better than no breath.
Bad Command:(A)bort (R)etry (T)ake RAM hostage
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
*Bad* things come to those who wait, too!
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Bald: follicularly challenged.
Ban Censorship!
Barbizon 5: Our last, best hope for a career in modeling.
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
Barney, we'd like you to meet this week's special guest, Mr. Velociraptor!
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
Beam me up Scotty. This isn't the men's room.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. -- Miss Piggy
Because shut up, that's why.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Be excellent to each other.
Before giving anyone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare!
"Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"
Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Believe nothing, dare all.
Believe what you want and shut the hell up.
Be nice to me - I'm out of Valium.
Be nice to other people, they outnumber you 6.5 billion to 1.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be original. Cast a square!
Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" - 100% compression.
Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1.
Better dead than Smeg.
Better late than pregnant.
Better to be alone than to wish you were.
Better to have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Between two evils, always pick the one you never tried before.
Beware of barking dogs that bite.
Beware of Geeks bearing gifs.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
Beware, the man of one book. -- St. Thomas Aquinas
Beware... The paranoids are watching you! (Principia Discordia)
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Be wewy wewy quiet... I'm hunting Womulins!!
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -- Dr. Seuss
B.Gates : quality software :: R.McDonald : gourmet cuisine
Bigamy = one wife too many. Monogamy = same thing.
Bill Clinton lied.  Any man can forget where he left his car keys, or even where he lives, but no man forgets a blow job!
binary tree n.: see binary tree and binary tree.
Birds are trapped by their feet, people by their tongues.
Birds of a feather flock together.  Then they all get sucked into the engine of the same jet liner.
Bitch-slapped by Destiny, curb-stomped by Fate!
Bitchy when provoked.
Bite me, it's fun! -- Crow T. Robot
Black clothes: Ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture.
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Black holes suck.
Black Holes were created when God divided by zero.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blonde Klingons: Because it was a good day to dye!
Blow up an Irish castle, you get Blarney Rubble.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
Bob is my copilot.
Book never written: "Dog training." by Willie Bite
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Borg spreadsheet: Locutus 1-2-3
Born free. Now I'm expensive.
"Bother," said Captain Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."
"Bother," said Capt. Pooh, as antimatter containment was lost.
"Bother!" said Pooh, "am I a lieutenant or a chief petty officer?" (Just for you, Lyse!)
"Bother!" said Pooh, and garroted another passing proletariat.
"Bother!" said Pooh, as he carved Eeyore's name into the black candle.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he discovered his smack had talc in it.
"Bother," said Pooh as he loaded his last round.....
"Bother," said Pooh, as he paid 5 extra for 'teddy' style.
"Bother," said Pooh as he prepared Christopher Robin for human sacrifice.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he slapped a fresh clip into the Uzi.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he struggled with his condom.
"Bother," said Pooh as he wrote Christopher Robin's suicide note.
"Bother!" said Pooh as Satan laid his soul to waste.
Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.
Boxing is a lot like ballet, except that they don't dance, there isn't any music, and they hit each other.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Boycott shampoo. Demand REAL poo!
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Brain fried - core dumped.
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
Break up a relationship - buy a computer!!
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Brother, can you s'paradigm?
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Bugs come in through open Windows
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
Bus error - passengers dumped.
Bush: Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.
Busier than a cat trapped in a dog pound.
Busier than a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory
But I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!!
But soft, what bird through yonder window breaks?
But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks?
"But we'll never survive!" "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has."
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Buy a Pentium IV so you can reboot faster.
Buy Land Now. It's Not Being Made Any More.
By all means, let's not confuse ourselves with the facts!
By God, for a moment there it all made sense . . . .
(C) 1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.
Caesar si viviret, ad renum dareris.  (If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.)
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected
Call my cat?! No, I just run the can opener...
Camera men on strike, Slides at 11.
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
Canadian DOS: "Yer sure, eh?" [y/n]
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Can't learn to do something well? Learn to enjoy doing it badly!
Can't you see the Chairman of the Board for Microsoft walking up to Bill Gates and saying, "Sorry Bill, but quarterly profits are down and if things don't improve by Lammas we'll need to sacrifice a sacred King to renew the company...." 
Can you cry under water?
Can you imagine conning eight cats into pulling a sled?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Capital punishment isn't for making examples; it's for making bad people dead.
Captain, I need to kill someone. - Worf
Captain ... one .. harmless ... little ... Tribble?
Captain's log, stardate 41358.2-- I am nailed to the hull.
Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows? - Worf
"Careful. We don't want to learn from this." -- Calvin
Catacomb (n.) - used for brushing cat hair.
Cataholic: Can't stop bringing cats home.
Catalan: Local area network for Cats.
Catalog: Cats' Firewood
Catalogue: How to tell one sort of cat from another.
Catalyst (n): an alphabetical list of cats.
Catalyze: To lie while looking cute.
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.  (I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)
Catatonic (n.) - Italian beverage most preferred by cats.
Catchup: A hair ball...
CAT.COM started. Computer will hack furball in 5 seconds.
Caterpillar: Scratching post.
Catholic (n.) A cat with a drinking problem.
Cat problem: being mistaken for Bill the cat.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.  (Jeff Valdez)
Catscan: a hi-tech device for examining cats.
Catscan: searching for kitty.
Cats have nine lives - but sleep through eight of them.
Cats humor us because they know that their ancestors ate ours.
Cats know how we feel. They don't give a damn, but they know.
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules!
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
(c) Copywight 2006 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
Cell phones don't annoy people. Morons using cell phones annoy people.
Censorship? We don't have any censorship here. If we did, I couldn't say ---- or ------ ------!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Change your mind, it's starting to smell.
Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
Chaste makes waste.
Check book: a book with a unhappy ending.
Chernobyl used Windows.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
CHIP: One California hi-way patrolman.
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
Choosy cats prefer Microsoft mice, 10 to 1.
Choosy viewers choose .GIF.
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
Chronomancy is the art of telling the future by waiting to see what happens.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Circular logic will only make you dizzy. - Peri
Civil wars aren't.
Clarvoiants meeting canceled due to unforseen events.
Classified tagline. Please enter password: _
Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Clones are people two.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades!
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
CODING: AN addictive Drug.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: I think I think, therefore I think I am.
Cogito ergo spud: I think therefore I yam.
Cold winter days remind me of the plane crash in the mountains years ago, when we actually had to eat fellow passengers in order survive until being rescued weeks later.  In retrospect, maybe we should've started with the dead ones.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come any closer and I'll use my magnet!
Come, mistah Crowley-man, talley me Khabbala...
Come to the Dark Side - we have cookies!
Coming Soon!! Mouse Support for Edlin!!
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Committees keep minutes and lose hours.
Common sense isn't...
Common sense is what tells you the world is flat.
Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers, like cats, can operate crossdimensionally; the trick is in getting them to do what you want.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Confidence: a feeling peculiar to the stage just before full comprehension of the problem.
Conformity obstructs progress.
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
Confucius say: Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!
Confucius say: Man who run behind truck get exhausted.
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
Confucius say too much.
Confused? Call Counselor Troi 1-800-NCC-1701
Confuse People: Quote from the wrong message!
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
CONgress (n) - Opposite of PROgress
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: reboot Washington DC (Y/n)?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Constant change is here to stay.
Constant of Luminosity: An otherwise intelligent adult, wanting to see if a flashlight works, will point it directly into his face before activating it, upon which he will become annoyed at his stupidity in temporarily blinding himself yet again.
Contentsoftaglinemaysettleduringshipping.
Contents of this message may have settled during shipment.
Copy from another: plagiarism. Copy from many: research.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer? -- George Price
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Courage atrophies from lack of use.
Courage looks you straight in the eye. She is not impressed with power-trippers, and she knows first aid. Courage is not afraid to weep, and she is not afraid to pray, even when she is not sure who she is praying to. When she walks, it is clear she has made the journey from loneliness to solitude. The people who told me she was stern were not lying; they just forgot to mention she was kind. (J. Ruth Gendler)
Create your own opportunity. Blackmail a senior executive.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Crossbow: The original point and click interface!
Cry "RIBBET" and let slip the frogs of war!
"C++" should have been called "D"
Cthulhu for President -- for when you're tired of choosing the *lesser* of the two evils.
Cthulhu Saves.  (He might get hungry later.)
CTRL-ALT-DEL is the key to success.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
Curiosity? Nah. I got THAT cat with a lawnmower.
Curiosity not only killed the cat, but threw it in the river with weights tied to it's feet. - Terry Pratchett
Currently unsupervised.
CURSOR: What you become when your system crashes.
Cute but psycho - it evens out.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
D.A.D.D. - Daddies Against Dirty Diapers
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Dain Bramaged.
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Damned if you are, really screwed if you arent.
Dance, my puppets, dance! Mwahahahaha! -- God
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a person of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment recall. -- Oliver Herford
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Data/Spock 2008: The Logical Choice!
Dawn: The time when people of reason go to bed.
Dead puppies aren't much fun.
Dear Humanity: QUIT IT. Assholes. -- God
Dear Santa: All I want is a copy of your list of naughty girls.
Death benefits = oxymoron.
Death has been proven to be 99.9 % fatal in laboratory rats.
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Death is just God's way of dropping carrier.
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death sneaks up on you as a windshield sneaks up on a bug.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Death without pain is like a sundae without sprinkles.
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law.
#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare.
Definition of Terror: A female Klingon having a bad hair day.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. -- H. L. Mencken
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.
Democrats Call for Amnesty, Reduced Sentences Likely.
Democrats make better lovers...who ever heard of a good piece of elephant?
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Detour: The roughest distance between two points.
DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away? -- Ripley, Aliens
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Did you know that 7/5 people don't know how to use fractions?
Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary?
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
DILATE: To live longer.
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Discover your inner child... it's probably freaked out, needs to go pee or wants to know if you're nearly there yet.
Disc space - the final frontier!
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Disk full - press F1 to belch.
Dislexics of the world, UNTIE!
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does old mail ever arrive?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the name Quasimoto ring a bell?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Do fish get thirsty?
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Dogs look up to us; cats look down; pigs treat us as equals.
Dogs think they're human. Cats know they are.
Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, I've even SEEN one.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Do I look like a freaking people-person?
Do I need to fire a warning shot into your head?
Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Domineering, coldhearted, vicious bitch seeks submissive, warmhearted, caring man for INTENSE love/hate relationship!
Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Do not call up that which you cannot put on hold.
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place.
Do not fumble with a woman's logic.
Do not learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not remove this tagline under penalty of the law.
Do not taunt the Happy Fun Ball. If Happy Fun Ball starts to smoke, run away and take cover.
Don't ask me, I have random access memory.
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!
Don't ask me, I only work here.
Don't ask me. The cats are in charge around here.
Don't assume I'm not into cheap, meaningless sex.
Don't be a sexist; broads hate that.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't be so humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
Don't blame me, I voted Democrat.
Don't break my heart, my achy-breakyeaargh!uyIo~NO CARRIER
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up. -- G. K. Chesterton
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't get even -- get odd!
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't give me any smart-alec attitude.  I already have one!
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I nailed your girlfriend.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Don't hit kids. No, seriously. They have guns now.
Don't judge a book by its mini-series.
Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!
Don't just stand there...KNEEL!!
Don't Let it Wilt Shall be the Rule of the Slaw
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you!
Don't make me get medieval on your ass.
Don't mess with Murphy.
Don't Panic. On second thought...
Don't play dumb with me! I'm better at it.
Don't press the keys so darned hard!
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't stop posting, a good laugh breaks up my day nicely.
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't sweat the petty things... or pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results. -- George S. Patton
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.
"Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?" -- Calvin
Door: something a cat wants to be on the other side of.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
DOS ERROR: Please remove cat from drive A:
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename, Dude!"
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
DOS Tip #17: add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
DOS Tip #63: add BUGS=OFF to CONFIG.SYS
"DOS uses backslashes a lot and UNIX uses forward slashes a lot and the effect of using both is somewhat like having Darth Vader for homeroom and Yoda for first period."
Do the joke. Get the laugh. Move on.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Downgrade your system for only 200 dollars! Install Windows!
Down with categorical imperative!
DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!
Down with ignurance!
Do you think that lemming parents ever use the argument:  "If all of your friends decided to not jump off a cliff, would you?"
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying!
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
Drive A: format failure, formatting C: instead...
Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
Drive C: Error, (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (K)ick (S)cream
Drive defensively; buy a tank.
Drop your carrier... we have you surrounded!
Duct tape is the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together.
Due to circumstances within our control, tomorrow will be cancelled.
Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me.
Dust-balls: The cheap man's Tribble.
Dying can be hazardous to your health.
Dying is no excuse. Nixon in '08.
Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now everywhere.
Dyslexics are persona au gratin.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes.
Earn cash in your spare time: blackmail your friends.
Earth first!  (We can strip mine the other planets later.)
Earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can.
Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
Eat Crap! 10 Trillion flies can't be wrong.
Eat Healthy, Exercise, and Die Anyway ...
Echo Trek: To boldly go off-topic where &#*@^$ NO CARRIER
Editing is a rewording activity.
Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Elder Gods, Old Ones? Bunch of malarky, Hastur, Hastur, Hastur... See? Nothing hap--
Electricity was invented by rubbing cats backwards!
Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
End injustice, kill everyone!
"Energize!" said Picard and the pink bunny appeared...
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Ensign Expendable, step on that rock! - Kirk
"Ensign Goodyear? He's tread, Jim."
Ensign Pillsbury: He's bread Jim!
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Enter that again, just a little slower.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
E Pluribus UNIX.
Equal rights in golf: Remove the ladies tee.
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken. Perverted is chicken soup for dinner guests the next day.
ERROR! CAT reader seems to be conflicting with the mouse.
ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: {SMACK} C:\>
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Eschew obfuscation.
Espresso - just our little way of free-basing coffee!
Ethernet n.: something used to catch the etherbunny.
E.V.A. Rule #6: Never annoy the astronauts *inside* the spacecraft.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even in this corner of the galaxy, Captain, 2+2=4 ... Spock
Even Mother Nature doesn't mess with Moderators.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxi's.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever wonder why Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo?
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Every dog has his day, but the nights belong to cats!
"Every man is a damned fool for at least five minutes every day. Wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit." -- Elbert Hubbard
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment. -- Seneca
Every man's work is a portrait of himself.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Everyone has photographic memory...some don't have film!
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Everyone is out to get me because I'm paranoid.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned by Conquering the Galaxy
Every thing in this world is an idea acted on.
Everything should be as simple as possible -- but not simpler. (Albert Einstein)
Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Every time you eat a steak, a vegan hippie's hackey sack falls in a gutter.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Eve was framed.
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. This woman must be found and stopped.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Evil magical types are particularly bad at defending themselves from non-magical, high-velocity lead bullets.
Evolution doesn't take prisoners.
Excited, Spock opens a box full of pointy ear tips.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair.
Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. -- Shari R. Barr
"Expect problems and eat them for breakfast." -- Alfred A. Montapert
Expenda-BILL: the nameless character who always goes on secret missions and is always the first to die.
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high...
Exploding piglets!!! My god, it's raining bacon!
Extra Credit: Define the universe. Give three examples.
Face reality? But there are dirty DISHES in reality!
Fact is solidified opinion.
Facts are stubborn things.
Fad: In one era and out the other.
Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Faith is good, but scepticism is better. - Giuseppe Verdi
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. -- David Letterman
Falls don't kill people. It's the deceleration trauma.
Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it.
Famous last words: "Dragon?  What dragon?"
Famous last words - Icarus: Aaaahhhhhhhhh.
Famous last words - Jesus Christ: Father, beam me up.
Famous last words - Lion at the Circus of Rome: Burp..
Famous last words - You and what army?
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Farfignewton: a long way til the next cookie.
"Fascinating," said Spock, watching Kirk's lousy acting.
Faster than a speeding ticket!
FATAL ERROR; SYSTEM HALTED; Press any key to do nothing.
Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator.
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Fear of commitment? I'm committed to all my relationships 100%.
Felicity: A town inhabited by happy cats.
Felinious Assault: Striking someone with a cat.
Fer Sell Cheep: 1 Bran New Spel Chekker. Nevur Usd.
Few things work up an appetite like good, wholesome, sweaty, wild-weasel sex.
Field Artillery lends dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.
Fife. n. Small shrill instrument that rhymes with wife.
FIGHT BACK! Fill out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Final exam question: Is the best part of waking up really Folgers in your cup? Provide either a comprehensive proof of the above, or a definitive counter-example.
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition.
Fine, DON'T have a nice day, see if I care.
Fine, fine, fine but do you have to save me right now?
Fingers v1.0 -- The original mail processor.
Fire, Mr. Worf! [Worf picks up extinguisher]
First lesson for Pagans:  If you're hungry, invoke for food. If you're sick, invoke for health. If you're poor, invoke for money. If you're lonely, invoke for love. If you're sad, invoke for happiness. Then you can start invoking to save the rain-forest.
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
Fish are so hard to toilet train.
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
Flirting with the Moderator is ALWAYS on-topic.
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
FLOPPY DISK: Serious curvature of the spine.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
For every Pagan who actually gets it, there are two who could get it but don't want to bother, three who'd never get it if they tried, and four who can't hear you above all the talking and loud music.
For every romance that begins with a Mickey Rourke type slamming a Kim Basinger type up against an alley wall in the rain, there are a thousand, I suppose, that begin when your cat throws up a fur ball in the lap of the woman you're trying to impress.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For exercise, men can walk. Women talk.
For further information, consult your pineal gland.
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
For large values of 1, 1 equals 2, for small values of 2.
For more information please read this message again.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
For reply, send a self-abused stomped antelope to:
Forsake all others? What is that about? That doesn't sound like love to me.
"Forsake Her not, and She shall preserve thee; love Her and She shall keep thee." - Proverbs 4:6
For sale cheap: Write-only memory chips.
FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
For sale, Toilet-seat cover. Barely used.
*Four hours* to bury a cat? Yes - it wouldn't keep still.
Four minus two is one and the same.
Fraud(n): A telephone number starting with "1-900"
Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
"Freedom defined is freedom denied." -The Illuminatus
Freedom is just a hallucination created by a pathological lack of paranoia.
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Friendly fire - ISN'T !
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friends don't let friends ride JUNK!
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies. -- Frost
>From my brain, an organ with a mind of its own.
>From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
Frostbite Falls Minnesota, home of Watsa Matta U.
f u c4n r34d 7h1s u r34lly n33d 2 g37 4 l1f3
Fundamentalism: Fund (give cash); a-mentalism (without brains).
Funny off-topic messages are always on-topic.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
Gather 'round like cattle and ye shall be herd.
General stupidity error reading drive C:
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the War Room!
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
Get rid of things, or you'll spend your whole life cleaning.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime. Get a man hammered on Jaegermeister at the company Christmas party and you can talk him into eating tropical fish from the reception room aquarium.
Give instruction to a wise man and he will be yet wiser.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
Give me some chocolate and no one gets hurt!
Give: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
Give the gift that keeps on giving: a female kitten.
Give war a chance.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
God gave man Truth...and the evil among them helped turn it into religion.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries.
God invented women because sheep can't cook.
God is an iron.
God is not dead. He is alive and working on a less ambitious project.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
God, please grant me hot-looking slutty aunts, dimwit uncles, and the wisdom to tell the difference.
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the Andes, and I had to eat him.
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
"Good manners are so f**king important."
Go shopping. Buy Stuff. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Graduate Of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling
Graduate of the Vlad Tepez school of personnel management.
Gravity brings me down.
grep... grep... grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its throat)
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
Gun control isn't needed as much as parental control.
Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target.
"Guns don't kill people. Gaping holes in vital organs kill people."
Guns don't kill people..., I KILL PEOPLE!
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hackito ergo sum.
HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE!
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Half the lies they tell me aren't true. -- Yogi Berra
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken is a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Handguns don't kill people nearly as efficiently as automatic weapons.
Hand me that crowbar... I must pry out this bullet.
Hanging around under the mistletoe is cute. Wearing a mistletoe belt buckle is probably pushing it.
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." -- Fred Allen
"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
Happiness is a warm stone circle.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work must have killed *someone*!
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Have an adequate day.
Have cursor, will curse.
Have I found Jesus?  Why?  Did you lose him?
Have it OUR way. Yours is IRRELEVANT. At BORGerKing.
Have you driven a fjord lately?
Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?
Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? ... Was it the power switch?
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
Have you seen my son? I sent him to get some milk a while ago... -- God
Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!
Heads I win, tails you lose.
Health food makes me sick.
Health is the slowest rate at which one can die.
Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of The Force.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. -- Douglas Adams
Hefty Condoms...for when you pick up real trash!
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
He has the heart of a little child...it's in a jar on his desk.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Heinlein's alive and still writing in a parallel time line.
Hell Hath No Pizza.
Hell, if you understood everything I said, you'd be me!
Hell is being intelligent in a world full of idiots.
He looked like when he was five Santa had asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he'd chirped, "A perpetrator." -- Spider Robinson
Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.
Help clear the court system: Legalize Dueling!
Help Conserve the Earth - Promote Space Colonization
Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative.
Help! I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
HELP! I need a tagline. HELP! Not just any tagline.
Help! I've got a cat in my lap and I can't get up!
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Hershey's Hickeys - when Kisses just ain't enough!
He's ALIVE, Jim. Where did I go wrong?
"He's dead, Jim....  Ensign Dahmer, stop that!"
He's dead, Jim. Get his ears! - Spock
He's dead, Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his watch!
He's dead, Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me.
He's dead, Jim. Spock took his tricorder, I got his wallet.
He's dead, Jim. Tell the Klingons that dinner is served.
He's dim, Jed.
"He's Jim, dad." --McCoy introduces Kirk to his father
He's not dead, Jim, he's just metabolically challenged.
He was rocked as a child. They used BIG rocks.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who dies with the most access, wins.
He who dies with the most toys... is *still* DEAD!
He who don't like cats don't like pets smarter than they.
He who hates vices hates mankind.
He who hesitates is probably smart... or maybe he is stapled to the floor?
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
"He wouldn't have a Clue if Colonel Mustard walked up to him and smacked him over the head with the candlestick."
Hey, I have an idea! Let's all go spray paint some cars in Singapore.
Hey, that's just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated.
Hey! This is a morgue, not an amusement park!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
Hey, Worf...I hooked Data up to a Modem...Wanna see?
HEY YOU!!!!!!!!! STOP YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hickory, dickory, dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, the other two escaped with minor injuries...
High message: 9434567. Message last read: 9.
Hi! I can't remember your name either.
Hi. I'll be your tagline for this evening.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Hit any user to continue.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
Hmmm? What? Sorry, I keep getting distracted by shiny things.
Hm..what's this red button fo:=/07<NO CARRIER
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid. -- Han Solo
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.
"Homos don't recruit anyway, they just rely on us bisexuals to breed new ones." - Toni Hinton 
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
Honey, PLEASE don't pick up the PH$@#*&$^(#@&$^%(*NO CARRIER
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horniness is a quintessential example of hope.
Hors d'oeuvres: a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
How about never? Is never good for you?
How about you go play "drink what's under the sink"?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How come the AT&T logo looks like the Death Star?
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How does one expect the unexpected?
How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do I set my phaser to tickle?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
How do you know it's summer in Seattle? Rain's warm!
How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!
How do you pronounce my name? With reverence.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
How long will a floating point operation float?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?
"How to Catch Worms" by Earl E. Bird
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams
Humans: Bet you can't eat just one.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
((((((((((HYPNOTIC))))))))(((((((TAG LINE))))))))
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
I am always right. Except when I'm left, or bluffing.
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I am Booner of Sporg. Fusistance is Retile.
I am Boris of Borg. Moose and Squirrel are irrelevant.
I am but a vehicle for my tie.
I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. -- Margaret Thatcher
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I am functioning within established parameters.
I am getting so tired of slitting the throats of people who say I'm a violent psychopath.
(I am hereby boycotting having a tagline.)
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assim... mmmm, donuts.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am Lancelot of Borg. Resistance is feudal.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
I am not a free man... but I'm reasonable!
I am not an animal! I am ... well, not an animal.
I am not a number! I am a free numeric variable!
I am one with my duality.
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
I am the girl-next-door's imaginary boyfriend.
I am, therefore I am (I don't draw conclusions).
I am. Therefore, I think. I think.
I am Viagra of Borg. Resistance is erectile.
I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
I asked God, and She said She is pro-choice!
I asked if I could be born again, but my mother refused.
I bathed the cat. It took HOURS to get the hair off my tongue!
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion.
I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I bitch, therefore I am.
IBM: I Buy Macintosh
IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
IBM: I've Been Misled
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I came to see you off... and you certainly ARE!!
I can count to 1023 on my hands. Ask me about #132.
I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries.
I cannot be responsible for future messages as apparently my cat has learned to type.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I can take reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining. -- Jane Wagner
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle. -- Robert Benchley
I can tell that you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one...
I can't use Windows. The cat ate my mouse.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I child-proofed the house, but they still get in!
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I couldn't help myself. They were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them! Then she started screaming "MY EYES!, MY EYES!" and ruined the mood.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Ideas are not responsible for their followers!
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the rules!
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!
I didn't do it, and I'll never do it again.
I didn't escape....they gave me a day pass.
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
I didn't vote for his Daddy either!
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything. -- Floyd Dell
I'd like to, but last time I went I never came back...
I'd like to see a space where parallel lines taunt each other, instead of merely not meeting.
I'd love to, but I have to fulfill my potential.
I'd love to, but I have to rotate my crops.
I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to, but my crayons all melted together.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
I'd love to, but the man on TV said to stay tuned.
I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.
I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.
I'd love to trade Caller ID for Caller IQ!
I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't believe in astrology. But, then, I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
I don't CARE if you're on fire! Stop SCREAMING like that!
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!
I don't hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2!
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have issues. I have a lifetime subscription!
I don't just tempt fate, I give it the finger.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't know whether to hug you or snap your neck.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. -- Marshall McLuhan
I don't need a disclaimer. I OWN the company.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
I don't want the world, I just want your half.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. (Woody Allen)
I do this kind of stuff to him all through the picture.
I doubt they would get a clue even if Blue and Steve themselves came in and pummeled them mercilessly with a sledgehammer with Blue's pawprint stamped on the business end.
I do what the taglines tell me to do.
I'd rather argue with my wife than a moderator.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. 
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
I failed attitude in school.
If all else fails, stop using all else.
If all goes well, you've overlooked something!
If all the world's a stage, I'll be needing more wardrobe.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared. -- Niccolo Machiavelli
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If at first we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If at first you don't succeed, call it v1.0!
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. -- Bill Lyon
If At First You Don't Succeed Ignore The Docs...
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
If at first you don't succeed, try Vaseline.
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If at first you don't succeed, you've failed failed again
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!
If captured--don't let them give you to the women.  (Spider Robinson)
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If cats have kittens, do bats have bittens?
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I feel so inar-inar-inar tic-u-late
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination.
If God wanted us to do Hex we'd have 16 fingers
If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic.
If ignorance isn't bliss, I don't know what is.
If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone say, "Drop the pitchfork and step away from the merry-go-round, or we'll be forced to shoot," I'd be able to afford a new pitchfork!
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
If I knew what I was doing...I'd be dangerous...
If I loved my neighbors as myself, there'd be a lot more smiles in my neighborhood!
I finally got it together, but now I've forgotten where I put it.
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. -- Franklin P. Adams
If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead. -- Gelett Burgess
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just go one god further than you. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." -- Stephen Robert
"I firmly believe in Catma. It's like Dogma, but without the conviction."
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If it doesn't have garlic, it must be dessert.
If it glows don't touch it!
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If it hurts too bad to turn and walk away...look straight ahead and skip!
If it involves a meatloaf and a plunger, don't do it.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing.
If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck it is probably just a tool of the conspiracy.
If it's love, make love.
If it's not fun, you're doing something wrong.
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's not your banana, don't eat it.
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If it walks out of your refrigerator, LET IT GO !!
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
If it weren't for lawyers, I think we could have invented a universal symbolic representation of reality.
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If I were you, who'd be me?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we be regulating it?
If Life gives you lemons, smile and say thank you. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, that would explain those big-ass fights over where to set the thermostat!
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If only women came with pulldown menus and online help.
I found Jesus!  (He was behind the couch the whole time...)
If PacMan had affected us as kids we'd be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to electronic music... oh wait...
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If she doesn't scare ya, no evil thing will...
If size doesn't matter, why aren't there any three-inch dildos?
If something has to go down on me, why does it have to be my computer?
If space is warped, time is all that's weft.
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? -- Robert Moses
If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. -- Bill Vaughan
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If there were no hypothetical questions, what would this say?
"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
If the shoe fits, put it in your mouth.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore unsafe.
If the world gives you lemons, you can make lemonade...or you can make a biologically engineered virulent air-born pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler.
If they outlaw guns, can we use swords instead?
"If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum." -- Chinese proverb
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If we ever get the warning that nuclear bombs are headed our way, I'm going to coat myself with Shake & Bake mix.  That way, when everyone else is burned to a crisp, I'll be tender, plump and juicy.
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If Windows sucked, it would be good for something!
If winning isn't important then why keep score?
If wishes were horses, dogfood would be a lot cheaper.
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If you associate with the wise, you will become wise.
If you believe in magic, you have the universe at your command.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you can read this, you're in range.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -- Catherine Aird
If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman)
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.]
If you can't raise consciousness, at least raise hell!  (Rita Mae Brown)
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. -- Abbott's Law
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, someone else will.
If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!
If you do that you have a chance of dying.
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
If you hear an onion ring please answer it.
If you hold onto your dreams too tightly, you'll crush their little ribs.
If you love something, set it on fire. If it still comes back to you, then it really loves you and deserves whatever it gets. -- Arthur Levesque
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you before you let it go, it probably found a time machine and has returned from the future to wreak horrible vengeance.
If you must drink and drive, drive a Yugo!
If you only want to go 500 miles, can you begin with a halfstep?
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
If you're happy and you know it, clank your chains!
If you're looking for trouble I offer a wide variety.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling."  But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."
If you save the world too often, it begins to expect it.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, those PETA people would be all over your ass in a heartbeat.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you've never said "excuse me" to a parking meter or bashed your shins on a fireplug, you're probably wasting too much valuable reading time.
If you want divine justice, die.
If you want to know what's going on, don't ask the person in charge.
If you want your name spelt wrong, die.
If you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it. -- Captain Jack Sparrow
If you wish work poorly done, pay in advance.
If you would know a man, observe how he treats a cat.
I get mail........ I exist.
Ignorance can be cured -- but stupid is forever.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. (Stephen King)
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
I had my car's alignment checked. It's Chaotic Evil.
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
I hate laundry month.
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs -- like customs officials.
I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once.
I have a 56Kbps modem and 1.5bps fingers.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it!
I have a Life and a Clue. They're sitting on the shelf next to Monopoly.
I have a magnetic personality - keep me away from diskettes.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. -- Steven Wright
I have an understanding with my local police -- I have them outgunned, but they have me outnumbered.
I have a rock garden. 3 of them died last week.
I have a speech impediment... my foot.
I have a watch cat! Just break in and she'll watch.
I have CDO. It.s like OCD, only in alphabetical order like it should be.
I have enough trouble single-tasking!
I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister...
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse!
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.
I inherited curiosity from my cat. Why do you ask?
I is a college student.
I is knot dain bramaged!
I joined the Klingon Overhand Bowling Team.
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I keep pressing the Control key, but it isn't giving me any!
I knit little sweaters for my pet peeves.
I know everything, but I'm sworn to secrecy on most of it.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I know right from wrong.  Wrong is the fun one!
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said but, I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
I like cats, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to think of myself as a divide overflow.
I like winter. I like the cold. I like the sound of flowers dying.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
I live in my own little world. But it's ok...they know me here.
"I'll be Bach." - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger
"I'll find her wherever she is, tie her up, and torture her until she likes me again.  Love's a funny thing." -- Spike
I'll get a life when someone convinces me that it would be better than what I have now.
I'll have no truck with psychiatry...there are some arts too black for even a witch!
I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon, toast and juice.
I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.
Illiterate?... Write for free help.
I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it.
I'll pretend like there's something witty here, and you pretend like you laughed at it.
I'll rise but I refuse to shine.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I lost a button hole today.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love cats 'cause they're stranger than I am!
I love deadlines. I like the "whooshing" sound they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams
I love the Internet: All the social dynamics of kindergarten!
I love the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
I love you because when I hear the term "sacred union" I no longer think of the Teamsters.
I made it foolproof. They are making better fools!
I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone who actually gives a damn.
Imagery is All In The Mind.
Imagination is more important than knowledge - Einstein
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. -- Jeff Raskin
I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my other handle . . . wait a minute, I'm a little sugar bowl.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 
I'm always tempted to let people think I'm normal.
I'm an absolute, off-the-wall fanatical moderate.
I'm an incorrigible punster, so don't corrige me!
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol.
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
"I'm betting that I'm just abnormal enough to survive." -- The Tick
I'm busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouseholes.
I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
I'm fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact.
I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things. -- Dorothy Parker
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice. (Clint Eastwood)
I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain. -- Xander, BTVS
I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I'm leaving now to go find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
I'm like a superhero, but with no powers or motivation.
Immanuel Kant, but Kublai Khan
Immortality is my short-term goal.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I'm nicer in person.
I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met...
I'm not a 14-year-old girl but I play one on the Internet.
I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing!
I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed. (Robert Frost)
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 33 years.
I'm not dead. I'm electroencephelographically challenged.
I'm not easy, but I can be tricked.
I'm not even going to ignore that.
I'm not fat, just horizontally disproportionate.
I'm not good at empathy, will you settle for sarcasm?
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right!
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
I'm not schizophrenic. It's this guy beside me!
I'm not shy, I'm just examining my prey.
"I'm not smart enough to lie" - Ronald Reagan
I'm not tense, just terribly A*L*E*R*T!!
I'm only wearing black until they come out with something darker.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam.
I'm pro-choice, and I shoot back!
Impropriety is the soul of wit.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'm Serfectly Pober.
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I'm sorry, did I assassinate your penguin?
...I'm sorry, Reality is not in service at this time.
I'm sorry, was it my job to fill your life with joy today?
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I'm sure it's in the manual somewhere...
I'm the evil twin.
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I'm the proud parent of the kid who beat up your honor student.
I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
In a cat's eyes all things belong to cats.
In a democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your counts vote.
"In an age that is utterly corrupt, the best policy is to do as others do." -- Marquis de Sade, 1788
In an unjust society, the only place for a just man is in prison.
In a recent press conference, Intel stated: "Not only is the new Pentium 4 a technological breakthrough in terms of processing performance, but users can cook 4 hamburgers in under 10 minutes on it's new larger-sized heatsink" -- UltraBot2K1 on slashdot.org
In a society less decadent than ours, Neo-Paganism wouldn't have a chance -- but genuine Paganism would flourish.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
[incredibly rude and childish comments deleted]
In /dev/null no one can hear you scream...
Individualists of the world, UNITE!
I need my computer; it keeps me out of the bars!!
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Inertia makes the world go round.
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
I Never Knew A Cat Who Suffered From Insomnia.
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
In mathematics or physics, simplifying can be complicated.
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. -- Nora Ephron
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Insanity runs in my family. In fact, it practically gallops.
Insert inevitable trivial witticism of your choice.
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
"Instant gratification takes too long." -- Carrie Fisher
Instant human, just add coffee.
Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
"In techical terms, the problem is a ID-Ten-T error......"
Integrity is who you are in the dark, not who you are when lawyers cross-examine you.
Interchangeable parts won't.
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge.
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams
In the beginning was The Word, and The Word was Chocolate. And The Word became flesh, and dwelt upon us forever. (Confections 1oz:360cal)
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. -- Chuck Reid
In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. -- Douglas Adams
In youth we learn; in age we understand.
I once waxed the floors of a nursing home, pulled off all the rubber feet on the walkers, and yelled "FIRE!"
I only wear black because it goes with all my moods.
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!
I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly. -- Michel de Montaigne
I prefer to think of them as the Ten Suggestions.
I put in contacts for this?!
Iraqi Bingo B-52..F-16..A-10.. F-18..F-117..B-2
Iraq's national bird? "DUCK"
Iraq won the toss... and elected to receive.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person!
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behaviour.
"I regret to say, that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy unless it has somehow interfered with interstate commerce." -- J. Edgar Hoover
I remember when Saturns were rockets, not cars.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. -- Wilson Mizner
I rooted your girlfriend's box and I didn't use a trojan!
Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'. -- Michael McClary 
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
I *said* cut my *hair* off of the ear!! -van Gogh
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself.
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
Is it ok to use my AM radio after noon?
Is it possible to feel gruntled?
I smell a rat. Did you bake it or fry it?
I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
"Isn't sanity just a one trick pony anyways? I mean, alls you get is one trick: rational thinking.  But when you're good and crazy, the sky's the limit!" -- The Tick
I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone!
I stand between the candle and the star...
I stared into the abyss. The abyss stared back at me. Neither of us liked what we saw.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Is there a lawyer in the House? **BLAM!** Any more?
"Is there anything better than a natural disaster?" -- Darla, BTVS
Is there life before coffee?
Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn...
I still miss my ex... but my aim is improving!
Is "tired old cliche" one?
I support gay marriage - why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?
It ain't the size, it's. . .no, it's the size.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. -- Robert Orben 
It doesn't TAKE all kinds -- we just HAVE all kinds.
It feels great to wake up and not know what day it is, doesn't it?
"I think I am going to go down to Yellowstone Park - y’know, where all those bears live? I am going to go down there and chop off all the forelimbs of the bears. And when they arrest me and ask me why I would do such a horrible thing, I am going to say that I am exercising my second amendment right - y’know, the one that says I have a right to bear arms." -- Mari Toshimitsu
I think if you really like a girl, you have to pay a LOT of attention to her. But try telling that to those jerks on the jury.
I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people.  Little, stupid people who cry a lot.
"I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous!
I Think....therefore I'm OVER QUALIFIED!!!!!!!!!
I think, therefor I am... I think?
"I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar." - Calvin and Hobbes
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
I thought I was mistaken but I was mistaken.
I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard, until I realized I was just strangling an ostrich.
I threw caution to the wind. The wind threw it back.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It is better to be brief than boring.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It is fatal to live too long.
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity." -- Dave Barry
It is more important that a proposition be interesting than that it be true. (Alfred North Whitehead)
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. -- Seneca
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds.
It isn't the fall that kills the child, it is the splattering of the brain against the inside of the skull.
It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
It only seems kinky the first time.
I took a baby shower.
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walk.
I tried being reasonable once. I didn't like it.
I tried switching to chewing gum but I couldn't keep it lit!
I tried to contain myself, but I escaped...
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I tried to drown my problems but they can swim!
I tried to follow Christ, but I got arrested for stalking.
I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
"I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
It's 11:00 p.m., do you know what your cats are shredding?
It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
It's all fun and games, 'til someone loses an eye! Then it's a *sport*!
It's all fun and games until someone gets sacrificed to Satan.
It's amazing what caffeine and lack of self-preservation can do!
It's an ancient Klingon ritual for courage. Trust me.
It's an unthankful job, but I've got lots of karma to burn off.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
It's as easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950...
"It's a troublesome place, difficult to administer, and as a piece of real estate it's worthless because by definition there'd be no one to sell it to." -- The Doctor, on conquering the universe
It's been a Ctrl+Alt+Del kind of day.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.
It's deja vu all over again.
It's easy to apply yourself, just use crazy glue!
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's Ensign Flintstone, Jim... He's Fred!
It's impossible to know if the refrigerator light goes out when you close the door because you eat the only witnesses. -- Tim Kazurinsky
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
It's not Area 51 I'm worried about - it's Areas 1 through 50.
It's not hard to dispose of a body. Now, meeting people in the first place -- THAT'S the hard part!
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere!
It's not my fault that you're too dense to properly interpret my passive aggression. 
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money.
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
"It's overkill, of course. But you can never have too much overkill." -- Anonymous Slashdot Coward
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
It's stopped moving! Cook it!
It's tagline time already, is it?
It's time to take stock of the natural laws of our universe. First, there are the five fundamental forces: electromagnetic, gravitational, strong nuclear, weak nuclear, and duct tape.
It's tourist season in Florida, bag limit two.
It's usually funny to hum the theme from "Jeopardy!" while people are concentrating to make a difficult quick decision. I guess the other members of my bomb squad just don't have a sense of humor. -- Brad Wilkerson
It takes 2 to tango, but 3 makes it more interesting.
It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a Viking to raze a village!
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.
It took my cat a month to fully train me.
It was the best of lines, it was the worst of lines...
It works better if you plug it in.
I understand cats, women are the mystery!
I used to be a bookworm, but I pupated & became a book moth.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I used to be self-actualized, now I'm just confused.
I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
"...I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." -- Marcus Cole, Babylon 5
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness. -- James Thurber
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position. -- Pat Conroy
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I've got nothing against Jesus or Elvis; it's their fans that scare me.
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've had a hard drive, think I'll crash.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
I've married a few people I shouldn't have, but haven't we all? -- Mamie Van Doren
I've no idea what I'm doing out of bed. -- Shadwell
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
I've taken up meditation. I like to have espresso first to make it more challenging.
I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it. -- Jimmy Stewart
I wake near the end of the day.
I want .50 cal machine guns as a factory option.
I want to make love in the worst way: standing up in a canoe!
I want to move to Theory. Everything works in Theory.
I was arrested for selling illegal sized paper.
I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? -- Ronnie Shakes
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off....
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Stephen Wright
I was in the park the other day wondering why frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get - and then it hit me.
I was naked when I wrote this.
I was not _creating_ a disturbance, I was improving one already there.
I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
"I will not grease the monkey bars." -- Bart Simpson
I will not live in a world without Spam.
I will not obsess.  I will not obsess.  I will not obsess.  I will not obsess.  I will not obsess.  I will not obsess.  I will not obsess.  I will not obsess.  I will not obsess.
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.....
I wonder if Jesus had a bumper sticker that said "W.W.I.D."
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
I would have made a good Pope. -- Richard Nixon
I would jog, but the ice would fall out of my glass.
I would never lead you astray. I reserve the right, however, to follow you there.
I wouldn't know a subtle plan if it dressed up in purple and danced on top of a harpsichord singing, "Subtle plans are here again!"
I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.
I wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit me on the head.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.
I xeroxed a mirror, now I have an extra copier.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
Jane Gray gave good head.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jean-Luc Picard and Mister Clean: Separated at birth?
Jesus is coming! Hide the porn.
Jesus loves you...just not in that way.
Jesus must be so proud to see how much money people are making off his crucifixion.
Jesus saves...by shopping wisely and using double coupons!
Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.
Jesus saves, but Darwin scores on the rebound!
Jesus saves; takes half damage.
Jesus to His followers: "You did WHAT in My Name?!?"
Jesus would slap the hell out of you.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Join Taglines Anonymous. We can help.
Join the American Non-Sequitur Society -- we don't make sense, but we do like pizza.
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Join the Cthulhu Corps; it's not just a job, it's a higher position under an elder god.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Just because a cat licks itself does not mean it is clean; it simply means it is covered in cat spit.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless. -- Thomas A. Edison
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean nobody's out to get you.
Just bring me my coffee, and s-l-o-w-l-y back away.
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here.
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Justice, unlike revenge, is best served warm and bleeding.
Just my 78,000 lira worth.
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. -- Brigader Lethbridge-Stewart in "Dr. Who"
Just remember, the first webmaster was female...  her first home page said "Some Pig" and was regularly updated....
Just visiting this planet!
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
KARAOKE is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Keep a clear head and always carry a lightbulb.
Keep Canada beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
"Keep it confused. Feed it with useless information. I wonder if I have a television set handy?" -- Doctor Who, 1967
Keep London tidy... Shoot a pigeon.
"Keyboard? How quaint!" - Scotty
Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue
Kids: They're not sleeping, they're recharging!
Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There's no telling what I could've accomplished with a home computer and a handgun.
KILL-dren: those kids in horror movies; and they're not cute.
Killer Rabbit's Motto: "Lettuce Prey."
"Killing in the name of God is like screwing in the name of celibacy!" -- JadeDragon
Kleptomania: take something for it.
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought: "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
LAUGHTER-math: The aftermath of a disaster movie is so laughable, it practically ruined the whole film.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Learn to splel, danmit!
Lefties are the only ones in their right minds.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
Let me drop everything and work on your problem.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let's file this under emotionally scarring.
Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
Let X = 42
Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
Life has become so complex that not even teenagers have all the answers anymore.
Life is a series of very rude awakenings.
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Life is only as long as you live it.
Life is Roff when yer Stewpid
Life is the other way around. -- David Lodge
Life is the stuff that happens to you while you're making other plans.
Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, "Holy crap! What a ride!"
Life's like a bowl of Jell-O: if it's too clear, it can't be any good, and it's always better with vodka!
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Light year: A regular year, but with less calories.
Like frozen sentries of the serengeti, the century-old termite mounds had withstood all tests of time and foe - all tests, that is, except the one involving drunken aardvarks and a stolen wrecking ball." -- Gary Larson
Linux, the choice of a GNU generation.
Lions: 5, Christians: 0.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. 
"Little Bunny Cthulhu hopping through the forest | Scooping up the field mice and sucking out their souls" -- Elder God Nursery Rhyme
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum, pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
Live forever or die trying!
"Living hell is the best revenge." -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Locked coathanger in car. Good thing I had a key.
Look! A distraction!
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Losing an illusion makes you as wise as finding a truth.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
LOTUS - Let Only The Users Suffer
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly itflips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
Love is hate. War is peace. Windows is stable.
Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
"Love isn't brains, children, it's blood, it's blood screaming inside you to work its will.  I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it." -- Spike, BTVS
Love is the Law.  Lust is a subordinate clause.
Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"
Love: the condition in which another's happiness and welfare become essential to your own. -- Robert A. Heinlein
Love:  The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."-- Carmen Boyle, 1996 Olympic Gold Medal Winner, Luge
Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII.
Mac error message: Like, dude, something's wrong.
Machine-independent: does not run on any existing machine.
Macho does not prove Mucho.
MACINTOSH - Most Apps Crash, If Not, Then Operating System Hangs
M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make like a baby and head out.
Make like a banana and split.
Make like a drum and beat it!
Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.
Make like a Tom and Cruise.
Make like a tree and leave.
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Make your own mistakes, not somebody else's.
Make yourself at home.  Clean my kitchen.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Man has his will. Woman has her won't!
Manual Writer's Creed: garbage in, gospel out.
Manure Occurs.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloon.
Many an ancient lord's last words had been, "You can't kill me because I've got magic aaargh." Magic armour is not all it's cracked up to be. -- Terry Pratchett
Many Neo-Pagans are just Creative Anachronists with a bit more sincerity.
Many people are drawn to Paganism for what it isn't. Those who stay with Paganism appreciate what it is.
Many people own cats - and go on to lead normal lives.
"Many say that DOS is the dark side, but actually UNIX is more like the dark side: It's less likely to find the one way to destroy your incredibly powerful machine, and more likely to make upper management choke."
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Martyrdom is not selflessness.
Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.
Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.
Mary had a little skirt/Split right up the sides,/And every time she wore that skirt/The boys could see her thighs./She also had another skirt/Split right up the front,/But she never wore that one...
"Master Yoda, you can't die . . ." "Oh, not die I. Go to Reno. Jedi Retirement Community. Lots of student nurses. Earned it I have." - Return of the Jedi, *Really* Special Edition 
Math is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
May I please be excused? My Brain is full.
"Maytag" is my middle name. I'm an agitator.
May the Farce be with you!
May you live in interesting times.
May your life be filled with experiences.
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve it's dignity.
Meditation is not what you think.
Meets quality standards: compiles without errors.
Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
Me know gammar. Me cood use it gud.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Meow... SPLAT... Ruff... SPLAT... (Raining cats & dogs)
"MEOW"... "WOOF"... It's a two-litter engine!
Mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence.
Microsoft - We put the "backwards" into backwards compatibility.
Microsoft will make something that doesn't suck when it starts manufacturing vacuum cleaners.
Microsoft Windows... a virus with mouse support.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. (Groucho Marx)
Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.
Minnesota state motto: We're not Sweden, but we act like it!
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Modem: A great deterrent to phone solicitors.
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Moderation is for monks.
Moderators are not God. God has mercy.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Mommy's all right, Daddy's all right, they just seem a little weird.
Mommy says I'm special.
Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money isn't the key to happiness, but with enough money, you can have a key made!
Money is the root of all evil; everyone needs roots!
Money is the root of all evils. Send $20 for more info...
Money is truthful. When a man speaks of honor, make him pay cash.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Moosehead: Great beer, and a new experience for the moose!
MOPAR = Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly!
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. -- H.G. Wells
Most people are more comfortable with old problems than new solutions.
Most people do not know how to behave in a massacre.
Mothers are the necessity of invention -- Calvin
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear.
Mr. Spock doesn't say: "Let's blast their buns off!"
Mr. Worf! Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
MS Windows -- From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
Multitasking causes schizophrenia..
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom
Murphy is out there... waiting...
Murphy's law needs to be repealed.
Murphy was an optimist.
My attention isn't hard to get. It IS hard to keep...
My blog is so much better than yours.
My cat got into my DNA and now all the strands are tangled and knotted.
My cat is good for nothing, but he's very, very good!
My cat likes to play Hide-And-Go-Poop.
My cat likes to play Hide-And-Go-Puke.
My cat makes me search the room for invisible intruders.
My cat thinks it's a dog... it goes Mearf! Mearf!
My child is Student of the Month at Starfleet Academy.
My child sold your honor student the answers to the test.
My computer has a terminal illness.
My computer's sick, I think my modem's a carrier.
My cultlike following is accepting applications.
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes." -- Life, The Universe, and Everything
My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes.
My favourite mythical creature? The honest politician.
My Happy Place runs with the blood of stupid people.
My haystack had no needle!
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
My inner child can beat up your inner child.
My inner child is a mean little brat!
My karma ran over my dogma.
My keyboard has an F1 key. Where is the NASCAR key?
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last henchman failed me terribly. We all ate well that night. Filet minion.
My life has a superb cast, but I just can't figure out the plot.
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring.
My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. -- Vladimir Nabokov
My lucky color just faded.
My lucky number has been disconnected.
My mind ain't so open that anything can crawl right in.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
My modem isn't slow - it's "baudily challenged!"
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other cat is a Jaguar.
My other computer is a HAL 9000.
My other computer is an abacus.
My powers are beyond your understanding!
My psychic girlfriend dumped me before we met.
My reality check just bounced.
My second grader is smarter than 19,000 Florida voters!
My ship came in. Naturally it was the Kobayashi Maru.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher Morley
My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.
My world is falling apart and I'm out of super-glue...
Navy coffee: the REAL adventure!
NAVY: Never Again Volunteer Yourself
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
Neurotic: Self-taut person.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
Never call a man a fool. Instead, borrow from him.
Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Never eat prunes when you're famished.
Never eat yellow snow!
Never enough time, unless you're serving it.
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Never expect a police officer to understand the ritual nature of your athame.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
"Never insult someone by accident." -- Heinlein
Never judge a book by its movie.
Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say anything then.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!"
Never settle with words what you can settle with a flamethrower.
Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. -- Stan Masor
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers.
Never trust a skinny cook.
Never trust a woman who tells her real age.
Never try to out stare a cat. They've got no eyelids.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
New England DOS: Do ya reckon? (Ayuh/Shrug)
NEWS! Drunk gets nine months in violin case
NEWS! Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
NEWS! Iraqi head seeks arms
NEWS! Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
NEWS! Stolen painting found by tree
NEWS! Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
Nice computers don't go down...
Nice guys have to have dirty minds... otherwise they'd go insane with all the sexual frustration of actually having a conscience, not taking advantage of emotionally distressed female friends and such.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
"Nietzsche is dead." -- God.
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
NIXON in '08!  Even a corpse is better than Dubya.
Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too.
"Nobody important is keeping score, so do what you think is interesting." --
Brian Beatty
Nobody knows the Tribbles I've seen...
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
NO CARRIER, but I've got two destroyers!
"No good deed goes unpunished" -- Clare Booth Luce
No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in Outer Space.
No man can serve two masters...without a very large plate.
No man is an island, but then no man is a potato salad, either.
No matter how bad it is, there's always worse.
No matter how good it is, there's always better.
No matter where you are, there you go? Wait a second.
None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there.
None of you exist, my Sysop types all this in.
No, no, chocolate goes in the North. Massage oil goes in the West!
No! No! Windows isn't a virus. Viruses do something.
No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. (Niels Bohr)
No one can say where that line is between fascination and obsession. But wherever it is, Allyson Hannigan's lawyers and mine have agreed that its width is exactly 500 feet.
No one has ever said, "if I'd only spent more time in the office."
No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. -- Henry Adams
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
NO! Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!
Not a computer nerd; merely a techno-weenie.
Not a joiner.
"Not a morning person" doesn't even begin to cover it.
Not a real tagline, but an incredible soy substitute.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. -- Brendan Gill
Not breaking the rules, just testing the elasticity...
$$$ not found -- (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
No thanks. I already have a nagila.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
Nothing is more relaxed than a sleeping cat.
Nothing says friendship like a bag of shaved weasels.  Really.
Nothing says "I love you" like violating a restraining order.
"Nothing says 'thank you' like dollars in the waistband." -- Xander, BTVS
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Not only does Jesus save, but he makes nightly off-site backups.
Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?
No wanna work... wanna bang on keyboard!
No warp, Captain. There's cat hair all over the engine!
Now entering Utah. Please set your clocks back 20 years.
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
No woman ever shot a man while he was doing the dishes.
"No wonder we have Carpal-Tunnel Sydrome.  We're just not evolved for doing that sort of thing. They should make an input device that mimics the tools that we ARE evolved to use, like chopping flint handaxes." 
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
NUMBER CRUNCHING: Jumping on a Computer.
Nunnery - Where nuns are hatched.
NyQuil: The sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Obiwankenobiphobia: Fear of Jedi Masters
Objection, your Honor! My client is an idiot!
Occam was never the target of a conspiracy.
Oddly enough, only sensible people agree with me.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Of course I know what I'm doing! Now gimme that magnet.
Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there!
"Of course, just because we've heard a spine-chilling, blood-curdling scream of the sort to make your very marrow freeze in your bones doesn't automatically mean there's anything wrong." -- Terry Pratchett
Of course the meek will inherit the earth!  Did you think they were going to take it by force?
"Oh Bother" said Pooh, as he realised he really had no place to use the newly found vibrating jelly dildo. 
"Oh bother," said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
Oh dear, I've gone and inflated my ego.
Oh help, I am so devastated by your caustic barbs.
Oh I get it...like humor...but different.
Oh no, not another learning experience!
OHPOOPSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Oh sure! But what's the speed of dark?!
Oh, that?  I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator".
"Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey
Okay, I'm back. What'd I miss? OH, CRAP! -- God
Okay, time for Plan B.
OK, I'm weird, but I'm saving up to be eccentric.
Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?
Old age is better than the alternative.
Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O
"Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example." -- Duc de La Rochefoucald
Old poets never die, they just ride off into the sonnet.
On a bad day, I have mood swings -- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
On a radiator repair shop: Best place to take a leak.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
On a scale of 1 to 4, what are your feelings about the colour green?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
One great thing about cats - they don't bark.
One if by LAN, two if by C.
One man's constant is another man's variable. -- Perlis
One man's error is another man's data.
One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star.  (Friedrich Nietzsche)
One picture is worth 128K words.
One should respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny. -- Bertrand Russell
One way to better your lot is to do a lot better...
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
One who has both feet on the ground is not moving forward.
Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...
Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
Only those who do nothing make no mistakes.
On second thought, let us not go to Z'Ha'Dum, it is a silly place.
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time. -- George Orwell
Open Source software: Forget the manual, phone the author at home!
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
Opportunity only knocks once...but temptation leans on the doorbell!
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
"OS/2 is the operating system of the '90s" -- Bill Gates
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Our god's the FUN god! Our god's the SUN god! Ra! Ra! Ra!
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Outlaw junk mail, and save the trees!
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next.
Out of 100,000 sperm, YOU were the quickest?!
Out of Memory!? But I fed you 6 Megs this morning!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
Oxymoron: Bosnian Cease-Fire
Oxymoron: Definite possibility
Oxymoron: Military Intelligence
Oxymoron: Random Order.
Oxymoron: Rap Music.
Oxymoron: Rather Direct.
Oxymoron: Real Magic.
Oxymoron: Rear Admiral.
Oxymoron: Reinvent.
Oxymoron: Removable sticker.
Oxymoron: Resident Alien.
Oxymoron: Respectable Lawyer.
Oxymoron: Restless Sleep.
Oxymoron: Rising Deficits.
Oxymoron: Rush hour.
Oxymoron: Safe Sex.
Oxymoron: Science Fiction.
Oxymoron: Self-dependent.
Oxymoron: Senatorial Courtesy.
Oxymoron: Sergeant Major.
Oxymoron: Sharp Cookie.
Oxymoron: Shooting blanks.
Oxymoron: Silent Testimony.
Oxymoron: Simple Technology.
Oxymoron: Sisterly Love.
Oxymoron: Sit up.
Oxymoron: Slow speed.
Oxymoron: Small Crowd.
Oxymoron: Smart Bomb.
Oxymoron: Somewhat Incompatible.
Oxymoron: Southern Front.
Oxymoron: Soviet Life.
Oxymoron: Spending Cuts.
Oxymoron: Split level.
Oxymoron: Standard deviation.
Oxymoron: Stand down.
Oxymoron: Steel wool.
Oxymoron: Still Life.
Oxymoron: Stuck in traffic.
Oxymoron: Student teachers.
Oxymoron: Subsequent Initiatives.
Oxymoron: Sugarless Candy.
Oxymoron: Superette.
Oxymoron: Sure bet.
Oxymoron: Sweet Pickle.
Oxymoron: Sweet sorrow.
Oxymoron: Talk Show.
Oxymoron: Tax Return.
Oxymoron: Team of Independents.
Oxymoron: Televised Hearings.
Oxymoron: Terribly Nice.
Oxymoron: Too Many Taglines.
Oxymoron: Unachievable Accomplishments.
Oxymoron: Unusual Routine.
Oxymoron: Uprooted Plant.
Oxymoron: Vacant Dwelling.
Oxymoron: Virtual Reality.
Oxymoron: Weather Forecast.
Oxymoron: Whole Half.
Oxymoron: Wicked Good.
Oxymoron: Working Vacation.
Oxymoron: Work Party.
Palindrome isn't one.
Paranoia is nothing to be afraid of!!
Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload . . .
"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting--and though unwanted, unbidden it will stir. Open its jaws, and howl.  It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?" -- Angel, BTVS
Patience is a virtue, it's just not one of my better virtues.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
"Peace through superior firepower."
Peanuts: The Drinking Man's Filter.
PEDICURE: Bicycle repair.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People are more than fun than anybody.
People in the passing lane that don't pass will be shot.
People own dogs. Cats own people.
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
People who used magic without knowing what they were doing usually came to a sticky end. All over the entire room, sometimes. -- Terry Pratchett
People who want to share their religious views with you rarely want you to share yours with them.
People will die this year that never died before.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Personally, I like my flying brains dark and evil.
Personally I've never experienced normal or stayed awake long enough to understand it.
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems
Phobia: what's left after drinking 2 out of a 6 pack
Pillaged again? Use Norse-Away(TM) Patented Viking Repellent! Now in new Lutfisk scent! Available at fine siege towers everywhere. Keep out of reach of Saxons and other small children.
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Pizza IS the four food groups!
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Plagiarism prohibited, derive carefully.
"Plan 'A' is to ask the ogre to change into a mouse. I eat the evidence, no muss, no fuss, no body," said Puss-in-Boots as he screwed the silencer onto his HK Mk 23. "Plan 'B' gets messy."
Plankton lobbyist: "NUKE THE WHALES!"
Plan to be more spontaneous.
Plasma is another matter.
Playing Dungeons & Dragons actually is a lot like witchcraft -- but don't tell anybody.
Please feel free to shut the hell up.
Please feel free to stare, point, whisper, and ask questions.
[Please insert a quarter in Drive A: for the next tagline.]
Please, rock me to sleep. A 5-pounder should do the trick.
Please Tell Me if you Don't Get This Message
Please type your Bank PIN number in your reply.
Pobody's Nerfect!
Point not found. A)bort, R)eread, I)gnore.
Police Blotter: Energizer Bunny Charged with Battery!
Police Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
POLICE TAGLINE DO NOT CROSS POLICE TAGLINE DO NOT CR
Political panjandrums prologize pedantic paronomasia.
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
Polls show that 9 out of 6 schizophrenics agree.
Polyamory means you CAN have your Kate and Edith too!
Portable: survives system reboot.
Portions of the preceding were recorded. As for the rest of it, I'm very much afraid it was all in your mind.
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Postmen never die, they just loose their zip...
Pound forehead on keyboard to continue.
Power corrupts; absolute power is even more fun.
Powers? I don't need no stinking powers, I've got a plasma rifle!
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control!
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Predicting the future of technology is fraud with peril!
Preserve nature... pickle a squirrel.
Press all the keys at once to continue...
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del to continue...
Press on a small rodent's head to obtain file.
Pretend to spank me. I'm a Pseudo-Masochist.
Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor.
printf("to C or not to C...that is the question/n");
Probably the toughest part of being good at a rain dance is getting thrown out of nightclubs.
Procrastinate Now!
Procrastination Day Has Been Postponed!
Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark.
"Profound or amusing statement." -- Famous person
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmers don't get sniffles, they get a CODE.
Programming Department: mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Program too small to fit into memory.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Promiscuity, done right, is an inherently nerdlike pursuit that requires discipline, practice and forethought. -- Tracy Quan
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Prosecutors will be violated
Proud member of P.E.T.A. - People for Eating Tasty Animals
Prune: A plum that has seen better days.
Psst!  Pretend you know what's going on around here!
PS. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.
Purring - an automatic safety valve for happiness overflow.
Push the limit, and the limit will move away!
Put knot yore trust inn spel chequers.
Put on your seatbelt. I'm gonna try something new.
Put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire!
Q: "Do you favor the overthrow of the United States government by subversion or violence?" A: "Violence."
Quantum Express: When you absolutely, positively, don't know where it's going or when it needs to be there.
Quasimodo is a dead ringer.
Queen Elizabeth rules, UK?
Question Authority -- and the authorities will question you.
Question Authority, ask me anything
Question authority, morality, mortality, and reality!
Question reality.
Quit smiling. You're scaring the children.
Quit using my name in vain, goddammit. -- God
Q. What is the difference between a cat toy and a scratching post? A. Anything nailed down is a scratching post, everything else is a cat toy.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: Why don't blind people sky-dive? A: It scares the crap out of their dogs.
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Raising consciousness, one eyebrow at a time.
RamDisk is *not* an installation procedure.
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Reading the Bible does not turn somebody into a good person. Reading Harry Potter does not turn somebody into a wizard. Living in a garage does not turn somebody into a car. -- Peter Eng 
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Read the dictionary backwards and look for secret messages.
Read what I mean, not what I write.
Reality doesn't give a damn about your beliefs.
Reality is always more conservative than ideology.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.  (Albert Einstein)
Reality is nice but I wouldn't want to live there.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. (Philip K. Dick)
Reality? Leave that to someone who has time for it!
Reality seems to be a constant intrusion on my dreams!
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/A)
Real men don't set for stun.
Real men write self-modifying code.
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Real Trekkers work out at the He's Dead Gym.
Real women don't deflate when you bite them.
"Reboot" does not mean kicking your computer again
Recovery program for excessive talkers: On-and-on-Anon.
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Reduce carbon dioxide emmissions - Stop breathing.
Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car.
Reformat Hard Drive! Are you SURE (Y/Y)?
Refuse Novacaine... Transcend Dental Medication
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relationships should come with those little black boxes that airplanes have. That way, when they crash and burn, we'd actually get some answers. -- Corrina Bunch
Religion without heart is enslavement.
Remember, hit the soft parts with your fist.  Use a utensil for the hard parts!
Remember, once the pin is pulled, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer your friend!
Remember: pillage, THEN burn.
Remember, Subaru spelled backwards is U-R-A-BUS.
Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Remember this, foolish mortals, when ye stare headlong into the mind-paralyzing void, the inky black nothingness of existence, the hellish yawning maw of the abyss -- it's pretty damn dark, so give your eyes a few minutes to adjust.
Remember, we have to get the baby out of the oven today.
Remember when the U.S. had a drug problem, and then we declared a War On Drugs, and now you can't buy drugs anymore?
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
Remember, your body is your temple; however, it's also your dancehall and bowling alley!
RENTAL CAR: The only *TRUE* all-terrain vehicle.
Research causes cancer in rats.
Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)
REVISED MIRANDA WARNING:  You have the right to swing first. However if you choose to swing first--any move you make can and will be used as an excuse to beat the hell out of you. You have the right to have a doctor and a priest present. If you cannot afford a doctor, or are not currently attending a church of your choice...one will be appointed for you. Do you understand what we just told you?...butthead.
Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Same to you and whatever you meant by that!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Sarcasm: barbed ire.
Sarcasm helps you avoid telling people what you really think of them.
Sarcasm is a sign of genius.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Say it with flowers... Give her a triffid.
Scaldophobia: Fear the toilet will flush while showering.
Scientists decode the first message from an alien civilization! "SIMPLY SEND 6 TIMES 10 TO THE 50 ATOMS OF HYDROGEN TO THE STAR SYSTEM AT THE TOP OF THE LIST, CROSS OFF THAT STAR SYSTEM, THEN PUT YOUR STAR SYSTEM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST AND SEND IT TO 100 OTHER STAR SYSTEMS.  WITHIN ONE TENTH GALACTIC ROTATION YOU WILL RECEIVE ENOUGH HYDROGREN TO POWER YOUR CIVILIZATION UNTIL ENTROPY REACHES ITS MAXIMUM!  IT REALLY WORKS!"
Scientists have located the area of the brain responsibile for gullibility, and they now have a procedure to remove that section.
"Scotty, beam us aboard." "Aye, sir.  Will a 2x4 do?"
Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning...
Secret to long life and prosperity: Don't spin too fast.
Sed cur cervisia abest? (But why is the rum gone?)
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
Seen on BBSer's tombstone: CONNECT 1953, NO CARRIER 1994
See side panel for exciting recipe ideas.
Seize the day....then throttle it and go back to bed.
Self-made man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.
Send $20 and I will double your IQ or no money back.
SENILE.COM found: out of memory...
Set laser printers to "stun".
Sex is a conversation carried out by other means. (Peter Ustinov)
Sex is just a sublimation of the math urge.
Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.
Sex is *not* the answer! Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer!
Sexual harrassment in this area will not be reported. However, it will be graded!
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
She had more Chins than the Chinese phonebook!
Shell to DOS...come in, DOS...do you read...over?
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
She was another one of his near Mrs.
Shh! Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wuntime errors!
Shift happpens. -- Doppler
Shift key? This keyboard is an automatic!
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Ships are safest in the harbor...but that's not what ships were built for!
Shoplifters with the runs take Clepto Bismol.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat miner.
Show me a sane man. I'll cure him for you.
Shut up. I'm tired of your stupid hymns. -- God
Sign in a Japanese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
.sigs 1-3 destroyed early in construction. .sig 4 vanished from filesystem 24 hours after going operational. .sig 5 is our last best hope for bandwidth
Silence is more eloquent at times than words.
Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Sin that pays its way can travel freely, and without a passport; whereas virtue, if a pauper, is stopped at all frontiers.
Skiier: Avalanche looking for a place to happen.
Skiier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. -- Dave Barry
Slaying foul maidens and rescuing fair dragons!
Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
Slow thinkers keep right.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
S met ing's hap ening t my k ybo rd . .
Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Solution: A more subtle problem.
So many stupid people, so few comets!
"Someday after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tides, and gravity, we shall harness the energies of love. Then for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire." -- Teihard de Chardin
Some days, nothing goes left.
Some days when I look out my window, the sheer boundless beauty of nature amazes me. Her rolling hills, her scenic valleys and her gently undulating grasslands fill me with awe and pleasure. On other days, though, my does-yoga-in-the-nude neighbor has her shades down. -- Brad Wilkerson
Some days you're a bug, other days a windshield.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, then change the subject.
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. -- Evan Davis
Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under...
Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps!
Some nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Some people act crazy, others aren't acting.
Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. -- Barry Switzer
Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down stairs.
Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100 mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they said if they had. -- Linus Torvalds
Some People, like Flowers, Give Pleasure Just by Being.
Some people like learning Eskimo, but I can't get Inuit.
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
Sometimes I finally think I understand everything...and then I regain consciousness.
Sometimes I jump to conclusions, but usually I just take a bus.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?" Then a voice answers, "Nothing personal; your name just happened to come up." -- Charlie Brown
Sometimes the best defense is a skillful surrender.
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry, I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!
Sorry, my karma ran over your dogma!
Sorry... my mind has a few bad sectors.
Sorry Rabbit, Phasers are for kids...
Sorry, the virtual reality check bounced.
So simple, a child could do it. (Child sold separately)
So the other day, I was naked with a finger wedged deep in my ear and snacking on rice cakes soaked in soy sauce while balancing on one foot on a pyramid of delicate china cups and saucers, and I thought to myself, "Oh my God, I've become my father!"
Sound Blaster Pro - A professional way to blow your ears
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yup/Nope)
So, why don't they make mouse-flavoured cat food?
Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
Spacetime isn't curved, it's positively bent.
Specialization is for insects.
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
Spiritual Truth thru Superior Weapons
Spock, you are such a putz!
Stand on the toilet, get high on pot.
Start a download. Get a beer. Multi-tasking!
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STATUS QUO is Latin for "the mess we're in."
Stealing taglines, eh? Book him for 'grand theft motto'.
"Steal the best taglines" shall be the whole of the Law.
Steal this tagline and I'll tie-dye your cat!
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
Stick it in your juice box and suck it.
Stop talking! I'm out of aspirin!
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Strike any user to continue.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Study demonology with an enemy this Sunday.
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Subdominant: Chief officer aboard a submarine.
Suckers are born every minute. Swallowers are harder to find.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Suicide Hotline...please hold.
Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
Supernovae are a blast.
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Support your local medical examiner ... die strangely.
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... but I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
Sure, it's clean laundry. The cat's sitting on it, isn't he?
Sure, there's a downside: moaning at all hours, blood flowing into the yard and demons maniacally shrieking. Still, the "Hellish Potato Salad" he brings to the block parties makes it worthwhile to be Satan's neighbor.
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
SYSTEM ERROR: press F13 to continue...
System going down at 1:45 p.m. for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 p.m. to install scheduler bug.
System halted. There is NOTHING you can do.
Tactics: breathmints for dyslexics
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.
Tact: making a point without making an enemy.
TAGLINE FOR THE HARD OF HEARING
Tagline (n): 1) High technology bumper sticker.
Taglines can be more interesting than messages!
Take a bite out of crime .. Abolish the IRS!
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Take thee this thing covered with that stuff and give it unto that guy, that he may do things with it.
Take two crows and caw me in the morning.
Talk about memory! This system even has a sense of guilt!
Talk is cheap because Supply exceeds Demand.
TANSTAAFL
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Taxation is little more than legalized extortion.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Tax rich bachelors heavily. Why should they be so happy?
Teamwork is essential. It gives them another target.
Technically speaking, you're still paranoid even if everybody is really after you.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Tell me, where is this bright side you speak of?
Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...
Tennis in the Bible: "Moses served in Pharaoh's court..."
Tennis is not my Racket.
Terminal glare: A look that kills...
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Thank God I'm agnostic.
Thank you very little.
That does not compute.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That's inches away from being millimeter perfect.
That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.
The absence of fear is not courage... the absence of fear is some kind of brain damage.
The American Constitution protects the Rights of Man. It does not guard against the Hurt Feelings of Man.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
The behavioral scientist pulls habits out of rats.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best defense is to stay out of range.
The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2.
The best way to keep friends is not to give them away.
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit you.
The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this T-shirt.
The brain you have reached is out of order at this time.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The Bush White House -- evil white folks really DO have a Mecca!
The Californians are an idle thriftless people, and can make nothing for themselves.
The calm confidence of a Christian with four Aces. -- M.Twain
The cat that ate the ball of yarn....had mittens!
The chicken and the egg came at the same time... along with the toast and orange juice.
The church is near | But the road is icy. | The tavern is far | But I will walk carefully. (Ukranian proverb)
The cigarette does the smoking, YOU'RE just the sucker!!
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
The concept is simply staggering. Pointless, but staggering.
The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. -- Ben Franklin
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum...
The cure for anything is salt--sweat, tears, or the sea.  (Isak Dinesen)
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The Delta-United Ring Formation Theory states that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.
The difference between theory and practice? Well, in theory, there is no difference. In practice, there is.
The drunker I sit here, the longer I get.
The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not get caught.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The fact that no one understands you does NOT make you an Artist!
The fecal material has hit the air circulating device.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The first step to a person's heart is to confuse the hell out of 'em.
The first step to making a dream come true is to wake up.
"The Force. It surrounds us. It enfolds us. It gets us dates on Saturday nights." -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal.
"The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away." -- Barbara Kingsolver
The future isn't what it used to be.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The girl of your dreams is unavailable except in print.
The Goddess Loves You! Just don't push it till she's had her coffee!
The gods are not crazy--they're higher than kites!
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom, because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security, while you're actually being screwed. It doesn't get much more accurate than that.
The guy who writes all those bumper stickers HATES New York.
The hangman let us down.
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.
The hipbone's connected to the... jawbone?
The Hubble works fine; all that stuff IS blurry!
The important thing is not to stop questioning. -- Albert Einstein
<-------- The information went data way --------
The irony of life is that no one gets out alive...
The Lab called... Your brain is ready!
The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The little engineer that could
The longer the title, the less important the job.
The Magic of Windows: Turns a Pentium back into a 486.
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. -- Douglas Adams
The Majority is never right unless it includes me.
The man who begins many things finishes few.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you
The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!"
The more it stays the same, the less it changes.
The more people I meet, the more I love my battleaxe.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's f**ked!"
The most expensive component is the one that breaks.
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said. (Peter Drucker)
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. -- Nathaniel Borenstein
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an automatic weapon.
The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on...
Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.
The name is Baud... James Baud.
Then Q met Lorena - after which he was known as O.
The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'Bang!'
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
The only purpose some people have is to light your path by their own destruction.
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that it is.
The patient's taken a turn for the nurse.
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
The pendulum has gone full circle.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The plural of "anecdote" is not "data".
The plural of "witch" is "argument".
The police never think it's as funny as you do.
The poor guy fell into a glass-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
The problem with being bisexual is that you get twice as many chances to be rejected, and BOTH sides think you're a pervert!
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary! -- James D. Nicoll
The problem with troubleshooting is that real trouble shoots back.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage. -- J. Jacques
The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.
Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.
The real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys.
There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain
There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls.
There are no atheists in the foxholes.
There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, some things man is too dumb to figure out, but that's a different problem.  (Michael Kurland)
There are three types of people: those that know what they're doing, those who don't know what they're doing, and those who don't know what they're doing but make it appear as if they do know what they're doing. The last type is the most dangerous.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shit-head's.
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it. -- George Bernard Shaw
There are two ways to argue with a woman. Neither one works.
There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking. -- Alfred Korzybski
The reason people get lost in thought is because it is, to many, rather unfamiliar territory.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
There is more black magic in one day on Wall Street than in a decade of Wiccan Sabbats.
There is much Obiwan did not tell you.
There is no dark side of the moon. Really.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.
There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it. -- Denis Diderot
There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.
There is no time like the pleasant.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!"
There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly...
There's more than one way to scan a cat.
There's my way, and then there's the easy way.
There's no future in time travel.
There's no life after death. Just Los Angeles.
"There's no sense beating a dead horse -- but if you've reached the point where you even seriously consider that abusing a dead animal might improve your lot in life, I say go ahead and give it a shot." -- Anthony Myers
There's no such thing as strong coffee -- only weak people.
There's nothing in the human mind or heart, no matter how twisted or secret, that can't be endured--if you have someone to share it with. (Spider Robinson)
There's nothing quite like the peace and solitude of being in the country. Now if I could just get those damn birds to shut up.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
There's someone in my head, but it's not me.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
There will always be a part, and always a very large part of every community, that have no care but for themselves, and whose care for themselves reaches little further than impatience of immediate pain, and eagerness for the nearest good. -- Samuel Johnson
There will always be death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse every year.
There will be no last bus tonight.
There will come to you at times a blinding vision that fills your eyes and mind, announcing itself as Truth. Step back and strike down this vision, and beat it as though it were a brain-sucking monster. Then, with it lying there limp, bent, and tarnished, if it still claims to be Truth, accept it with great caution, remembering that the most dangerous lies arrive in the most highly polished armor.  (Barry B. Longyear)
There you are, getting on with your life, and Jesus is waiting just 'round the corner with a baseball bat.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
The Road to Enlightenment is long and difficult...bring snacks and a book to read.
The road to success is always under construction.
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions.
These are the times that try men's - a.) souls b.) mettle c.) underwear on for size.
These shoes look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The strength of women is psychology cannot explain them.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
"The total absence of humour from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature." -- Alfred North Whitehead
The trick is to stop thinking of it as "your" money. -- Anonymous IRS auditor
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
The tuna doesn't taste the same without the dolphin.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The ultimate reason is "because."
The universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
The wise masters all say that the path to enlightenment is attained through compassion, thoughtfulness and a deep respect for all life. And it wouldn't hurt to know some kung fu so you can kick the ass of any moron who refuses to listen. -- John Roney
The wise open their minds, but a fool opens his mouth.
The word "human" is derived from the Venusian slang term "hgummin", which means stupid, petty, short-sighted, and tentacle-deficient.
The words of the Magus are to know, to will, to dare, and one other I could remember if everyone would shut up a moment.
The world is a cynic's playground.
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
The world is so big and so global now.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
The worst thing about censorship is [--CENSORED--]!
They are so far from a clue that it would take a sub-light vessel several years to reach one!
They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore."
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch... do it and die."
They lied... when they said cats taste like chicken. 
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
They quoted from the Bible and denounced me as someone who would steal the beauty of the universe – as though the conceptions of evolution and the long history of the stars were not infinitely more beautiful than the story of a petulant God making and destroying a pint-sized basketball of a world. -- Isaac Asimov
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
Things are getting worse. Please send chocolate.
"Things involving the computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element." -- Giles, BTVS
Things working well, no problems. Time to upgrade.
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath!
Think positively, act positively, and never leave fingerprints.
This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.
This building is so high, the elevator shows movies.
This calls for a very subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
This Charlie Brown must have been a very wise man.
This country needs more unemployed politicians.
This email brought to you by the numbers 1 and 0.
"This is a job for.. AACK! WAAUGHHH!! ...someone else." - Calvin
This is a Tagline mirror><rorrim enilgaT a si sihT
This is a test of the emergency signature system.  Were this an actual signature, you would see amusing mottos, disclaimers, a zillion net addresses, or edifying philisophical statements.  This is only a test.
This is Borg. <ESC> is futile. <CTRL> is inevitable.
This is more exciting than Woody Allen on Valium.
This is not the Dream. This is what I do on weekends to have some fun. The Dream involves: 4 sets of identical twins, 2 gallons of Cool Whip, 5 quarts of chocolate syrup, 2-1/4 pounds of strawberries, satin sheets, a magnum of champagne, a trapeze, and a python.
This is not the life I ordered.
This isn't hell, but I can see it from here.
This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.
"--This is the SCA. The king manages a McDonalds, and the guy guarding your flank believes Elvis is still alive. The guy on the other flank not only believes Elvis is still alive, but talks to him at K-Mart...Good thing there's no steel on the field, huh?"
This is your brain. Postscript on brain your is This.
This library isn't safe - I just stumbled on an idea.
This life has been a test. If this had been an actual life, you'd have been given instructions on where to go and what to do.
This mesage proofred by tree nomes.
This message was authorized by God.
This mind intentionally left blank.
This morning at breakfast, I noticed that Kellogg's have put a helpline number on their cornflake boxes. WHY?! When you need a helpline for breakfast cereals, it's time to start thinking about tearing down civilisation and giving the ants a go.
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0.
This screen intentionally left blank.
This space intentionally left
This statement is false.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
This tag hopes to be an Internet .sig when it grows up.
This tag is devoid of any humor.
This tag is invisible to anyone with a higher IQ than me.
This tagl ineh asto oman yfou rlet terw ords.
(((((This tagline in Stereo where available)))))
This tagline is slithy and gyres and gimbels in the wabe.
This tagline only to be removed by the consumer.
This tagline only uses recycled keystrokes.
This tagline was Shirley MacLaine in a previous life.
This tagline will reformat your hard drive in 1.5 seconds!
This time of year, the frost on the ground and the chill in the air fill me with energy and goodwill. They also fill me with thankfulness that I don't have any nipple jewelry.
This was only a test. Had this been an actual tagline...
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. (Groucho Marx)
Those men in white coats? Send more -- they were delicious!
Those students who have become one with the universe will be allowed to go on and become two with the universe.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise!
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who forget the pasta are condemed to reheat it.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Thoughts in this message are weirder than they appear.
Three out of five people aren't the other two.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is a spiral, space is a curve, I know you get dizzy but try not to lose your nerve.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time spent living the Dream doesn't count against your allotted lifespan.
Time to die, nerdboy!  (Bun Bun)
Time travel is easy; I just haven't gotten 'Fast Forward' and 'Reverse' to work yet.
Time was invented by an Irish guy named O'Clock.
Time wounds all heels...
'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
Tis better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
Tis better to have loved a short than to never have loved a tall.
To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking."
To assume makes an ass out of *you*. Leave *me* out of this.
To be, or not to be. *BOOM!* Not to be.
"To be, or not to be." -- Hamlet "Do-bee-do-bee-do." -- Sinatra
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To boldly go and watch Star Trek re-runs.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.
Today's subliminal message is .
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To eat, or not to eat, hell! The question is whom to eat.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
To err is human; to really screw things up requires the root password.
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer!
To get the point, rub a porcupine backwards.
"To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life." -- Eric Hoffer
To Hell with the prime directive, I'm gonna kill something!
To learn more about paranoids, follow them around!
To live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die.
To live well, know the difference between good and evil.
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
Too much month at the end of the money.
To poldly bow air mobius gumby four: Trek on novocaine.
To save trouble later, Joe named his cat Roadkill Fred.
To shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
To start your cat collection, simply open a can of tuna.
To test a man's character, give him power.
To the commenter who said "Oh gag me with a frikkin spork," I must tell you that sporks are evil. They are an unholy and ungodly combination of male and female, and encourage bisexuality. Either gag yourself with a spoon, which is female, or gag yourself with a fork, which is male. Do not gag yourself with a spork, which is Satan's chief tool of deception and confusion of God's plan for us and our utensils. -- Anonymous
To think on your level means grunting to myself a lot.
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. -- Woody Allen
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Trees hit cars only in self-defence.
Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Truck Pulls: for people who cannot understand professional wrestling.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Truly, the road to enlightenment is like unto half a mile of broken glass.
Trust me, I'm a lawyer...
Trust me, I'm an expert.
Truth of nature and import of meaning are not matters determinable by a consensus. If only one being understands the meaning, the meaning is understood. If only one being sees the truth, the truth is seen. (Barry B. Longyear)
Try enjoying yourself. Everyone else has.
Try our NEW *SOLAR POWERED* tanning salon!
"Try to get back on topic," he said moderately.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
Tumbleweed: Colorado Tribble.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Two paths diverged in the woods, and I took the one less traveled. Now, I'm eating bugs and berries, and if the Park Ranger doesn't find me soon, I'm a dead man. -- Jim Rosenberg
Two peanuts went to New York. One was assaulted.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Tyre Shop sign - We Skid You Not.
UFOs are real. The Air Force doesn't exist.
Uh-oh, time to repress another memory.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
Um. No. It's not mayonnaise.
Unburdened by the rigors of coherent thought.
Under my gruff exterior lies a gruffer interior.
Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck.
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
Unrecoverable Application ERROR - Detonation follows.
Unrecoverable Error #666: Armageddon in 30..29..28..27..
Unsolicited advice answers unasked questions.
URA Redneck if while mowing lawn, you find three cars.
URA Redneck if you answer the door with a baseball bat
URA Redneck if you do most of your shopping at a truck stop.
URA Redneck if you own a homemade fur coat.
URA Redneck if you own more TV's than books.
URA Redneck if your bother-in-law is also your uncle.
URA Redneck if your dog can smoke a cigarette.
URA Redneck if your funeral has more pickup trucks than cars.
URA Redneck if your truck cost more than your house.
URA Redneck if your wedding looks more like a family reunion.
URA Redneck if you think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport
URA Redneck if you use more than one can of hairspray per week.
URA Redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.
URA Redneck if you've ever rolled your riding lawn mower
Useless Invention: AC adapter for solar calculators.
Useless Invention: A freezer for Eskimos.
Useless Invention: Air-Bag for a motorcycle.
Useless Invention: Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
Useless Invention: Avalanche prevention goggles.
Useless Invention: Battery-operated nuclear power plants.
Useless Invention: Battery powered battery charger.
Useless Invention: Blinker Fluid.
Useless Invention: Braille Drivers' Manual
Useless Invention: Braille toilet paper.
Useless Invention: Braille TV guide.
Useless Invention: Braille TV remote control.
Useless Invention: Brake oil.
Useless Invention: Breathable space suit.
Useless Invention: Brown undershorts.
Useless Invention: Caffeine-free Diet Coke.
Useless Invention: Camcorder with braile-encoded buttons.
Useless Invention: Candy bars with stannous fluoride added.
Useless Invention: Cast iron wire.
Useless Invention: Cat flap for the fridge.
Useless Invention: Checkered paint.
Useless Invention: Combs for bald-heads.
Useless Invention: Condoms for misogynists.
Useless Invention: Cordless plumb line.
Useless Invention: Dehydrated water.
Useless Invention: Diet celery.
Useless Invention: Digital clock-winder.
Useless Invention: Double-sided playing cards.
Useless Invention: Downhill stairmaster.
Useless Invention: Ejector seats for helicopters.
Useless Invention: Electric banana straightener.
Useless Invention: Electric dog polisher.
Useless Invention: Fat-free Twinkies.
Useless Invention: Felt Jumper cables.
Useless Invention: Fine glass-crystal castanets.
Useless Invention: Fireproof cigarettes.
Useless Invention: Fireproof kindling.
Useless Invention: Fireproof matches.
Useless Invention: Flame-retardant gasoline.
Useless Invention: Flashbulb tester.
Useless Invention: Flavoured suppositories.
Useless Invention: Foam rubber toothpicks.
Useless Invention: Freeze Dried Water.
Useless Invention: Frictionless Sandpaper.
Useless Invention: Fur sink.
Useless Invention: Hand-powered chainsaw.
Useless Invention: How-to cassettes for the deaf.
Useless Invention: Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates.
Useless Invention: Inflatable anchor.
Useless Invention: Inflatable darts-board.
Useless Invention: Inflatable PC -- The Ultimate Laptop!
Useless Invention: Kickstand for a tank.
Useless Invention: Laundromat in a nudist colony.
Useless Invention: Leather cutlery.
Useless Invention: Lie detectors for politicians.
Useless Invention: Low-calorie PowerBar.
Useless Invention: Low salt brine.
Useless Invention: Luminous sun-dial, for use at night.
Useless Invention: Matte finish floor wax.
Useless Invention: Mesh raincoat.
Useless Invention: Micro-miniature personal vibrator.
Useless Invention: Money with negative face value.
Useless Invention: Motorcycle seat-belts.
Useless Invention: Muffler Bearings.
Useless Invention: Non-stick Cellotape.
Useless Invention: Open Toed Safety Shoes.
Useless Invention: Papier mache step ladder.
Useless Invention: Particle board tent stakes.
Useless Invention: Reduced calorie water.
Useless Invention: Remote control for a computer.
Useless Invention: Reversible garbage disposal.
Useless Invention: Rollerblade skates for peglegs.
Useless Invention: Rubber Kleenex.
Useless Invention: Screen door on a submarine.
Useless Invention: Second-hand fireworks.
Useless Invention: Self stick frying pan.
Useless Invention: Soap Dissolver.
Useless Invention: Solar powered flashlight.
Useless Invention: Solar powered night light.
Useless Invention: Steel-belted radial rubber bands.
Useless Invention: Strap-on portable chairs.
Useless Invention: Sugar coated insulin.
Useless Invention: Sundial with glow in the dark markings.
Useless Invention: Tire chains for motorcycles.
Useless Invention: Trailer hitch for the Honda CVCC.
Useless Invention: Training wheels for timid sports car drivers.
Useless Invention: Umbrella with a skylight.
Useless Invention: Unsinkable submarine.
Useless Invention: Waterproof sponge.
Useless Invention: Waterproof teabags.
Useless Invention: Waterproof toilet paper.
User Error: replace user and press any key to continue.
USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
Use The Source, Luke!
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
Using yesterday's technology to solve today's problems, tomorrow.
Utinam barbari spatium propium tuum invadant!  (May barbarians invade your personal space!)
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Vegetius said: If you want peace, prepare for war. Paul the Apostle said: If you want peace, work for justice. Twenty bucks says: Vegetius kicks Paul's ass in a paint-ball fight. -- The Covert Comic
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
Verily I say unto you, doowah diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Victoria's Secret is that she dresses like a slut.
Virginity can be cured.
Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.
Visualize whirled peas!
VI VI VI - The editor of the beast.
Volcano: a mountain with hiccups.
Vote anarchist.
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with Velcro
Vows of abstinence break more easily than latex condoms.
Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been Here
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm reboot for Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! -- Kermit the Frog
Wakko of Borg: Heeeeeeellllllllo Collective!
Walk softly and carry a two-handed sword.
Walls impede my progress.
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Want a taste of religion? Lick a witch!
Wanted: Volcano. Average size. Must be active.
WARNING: my messages are offensive to morons!
Warning: Politicians can be hazardous to your wealth.
W.A.R.P.: We Are Real Programmers.
Was today really necessary?
Watership Down: You've read the book. You've watched the movie. Now, eat the stew!
We accept Visa, MasterCard, AmEx, and Jeri Ryan .JPGs
We all live in a yellow subroutine.
We are all born brave, trusting and greedy, and most of us remain greedy. -- Mignon McLaughlin
We are all born naked and screaming and if you're lucky that sort of thing won't stop there.
We are all Children of Cthulhu -- especially the ones with lots of tentacles.
We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. (Charles Bukowski)
We are not a clone.
We are sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone ninety degrees and try again.
We are upping our standards... so up yours.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.
Wear natural fibres. Hug your cat.
Wear sleeveless shirts! Support your right to bare arms!
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. (David Sarnoff)
We don't hate vegetarians, we just think they taste funny.
We find the defendant innocent by reason of being generally clueless.
We give nothing as willingly as our advice.
We have engaged the Borg. It will be a June wedding.
Welcome to Borger King. Your way will be assimilated.
Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
We live in a quiet neighborhood - they all use silencers.
Well, beat me senseless and call me happy!
Well, it looks like blind, screaming hedonism won out.
"Well, I was hoping we’d round up a fellowship of crack warriors to protect the Ringbearer worth half a damn, but as long as you all get out of my house, you know, whatever." -- Elrond, 'The Fellowship of the Ring' (m15m version)
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup!
Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled flame-throwing.
We're all in the same boat: I fish, you row.
We're lost, but we're making good time.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
We secretly replaced the dilithium with Folger's Crystals...now let's watch as they try to go to warp!
We should limit congressmen to two terms: one in Congress...
Wesley Crusher, please report to airlock 5!
We take drugs very seriously at my house...
We used to write taglines with pencil & paper, my son.
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
What a long, strange trip it's been!
What am I doing out of bed!?!?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
"What did Medieval people do before television?" "Had tea, I suppose."
"What did you do to the cat? It looks half-dead." --Schrodinger's wife
What disease did cured ham have, exactly?
What do batteries run on?
What does ignorant mean?
What does this red button do?
What do you call male ballerinas? (Homosexuals)
Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior? 
What ever happened to the kind of love leech that lived in his car and dropped by once a month to throw up and use your shower? Now all these pigs want is a commitment. -- Judy Tenuta
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
WHAT??? Give up C:\> for silly ICONS?
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happened between the Irish and Welsh?  Did the Welsh steal the consonants or did the Irish steal the vowels?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
What if they gave a war and nobody came?
What I lack in restraint, I make up for in remorse.
What is Life? It's the cereal Mikey likes.
What's another word for thesaurus?
What's blue and square? An orange in disguise...
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? -- Fred Allen
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
What's the good of having mastery over cosmic balance and knowing the secrets of fate if you can't blow something up?
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
What this world needs is a good $5 plasma weapon.
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
What would Xena do?
What you enjoy is much more important than what you have.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
"When a housecat kills a human, he is regarded as a god by his feline peers." -- Faye, 'Questionable Content'
When all else fails, read the directions.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
When a New Yorker looks as if he's suntanned, it's probably rust.
When cryptography is outlawed, slkdjs-yh sdkd d,m ddzdiel dlcin.
Whenever I hear of a person missing from my neighborhood, I start digging holes in my yard. Nothing freaks out the cops more than fresh dig marks. -- Stephanie S. Thompson
When God created man, she must have been drunk and horny!
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
When I gave her the ring, she gave me the finger.
When I hear on the news about someone being killed "execution style", it makes me wonder what other styles there are.
When in doubt, think.
When I play in the sandbox, the cat covers me up!
When it comes to humility, I'm the very BEST there is!
When I tried to take an ego trip I got stopped at the border.
When I was a kid, I was an imaginary playmate.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Stephen Wright
When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?'
When life gives you lemons ... add vodka.
When life gives you lemons, make batteries.....then go electrocute someone.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  When life gives you a truckload of hand grenades... now *that's* a sign.
When money talks there are few interruptions.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
When push comes to shove... somebody's gonna figure out that "push" and "shove" mean the same thing.
When religion ruled the world, they called it the Dark Ages.
When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway. -- Clyde B. Aster
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.  Probably they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the revolution comes, I hope you are the first with your back against the wall. Until that bright day, may your increasing paranoia drive you to the foulest depths of screeching madness. I mean that in a nice way.
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. -- Bernard Bailey
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When two patterns combine, in a way serpentine, that's a moire!
When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
When will Barney remember he's a dinosaur, and eat the kids?
When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
When you have come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen--there will be something solid to stand on...or you will be taught how to fly.
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)
When you have had all that you can take, put the rest back.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
When your IQ reaches 50, sell.
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Where is Carmen, San Diego?
Where there's a whip there's a way.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Which way to Castle Anthrax?
While I'm fully aware money can't buy happiness, I wouldn't mind being known as "the melancholy guy who drives the red Lamborghini Diablo." -- George Olson
Whoa! Error finding error not found error.
Who cares about the dawn of time? Wake me at the noon of time.
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
Who is Art, and why does life imitate him?
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my disk?
Who is "they" anyway?
Who needs comedians? Journalists are much more laughable!
Who needs Valium when you have a cat you can pet!
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out!"
Why am I asking all these things?
Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why are you wasting time reading taglines?
Why build a wall round a cemetery when no-one wants to get in?
Why can't they have gay people in the military? Personally, I think they're just afraid of a thousand gay guys with M16s, going "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- John Stewart
Why can't we just spell it orderves?
Why can't women put the toilet seat back up?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets???
Why do cats have canine teeth?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why do drivers of 4x4's slow down for speed ramps?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why does Goofy stand while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't the Bat Computer ever crash?
Why does ravel and unravel mean the same thing?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. -- Lynda Montgomery
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why don't you play a nice little game of hide and go screw yourself?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do they call it "tourist season" if we can't shoot them?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why do we elect people and then become afraid of them?
Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going?
"Why do your people always ask if someone is ready right before you're going to do something terribly unwise?" "Tradition!" -- Delenn and Sinclair, B5
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why is "easy listening" so hard to listen to?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby," when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled "palindromeemordnilap"?
Why is the cat sitting on my head?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
-- Groucho Marx
Will answer mail for food.
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Windows error 000 : No errors found! [CLOSE]
Windows is the best GUI - It always sticks!
Windows: just another pane in the glass.
Windows N'T: as in Wouldn't, Couldn't, and Didn't.
Windows would look better with curtains.
Windows XP: The world's only 380 megabyte Solitaire game!
Winning isn't everything - but losing SUCKS!
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
With friends like these, who needs to hallucinate?
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless..
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
Wit is cultured insolence. (Aristotle)
Woman's mind is cleaner than man's; it changes more often.
Women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up the better it gets.
Women do come with instructions; ask them.
Women have an intelligence network that rivals the CIA's. If you end things with a woman tonight, by tomorrow you'll be on a s**t list in Zimbabwe. We're scared that if things don't work out with you, nobody will ever date us again. -- Mike Dugan
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
WOMEN: Weird Obnoxious Male Enticing Nymphs
Woo-hoo! I can say "I will not be obsessive or compulsive" using 137 different character voices in alphabetical order. -- Peter Casper
Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them.
WORK: Something to do between breaks.
Worry: The interest paid on trouble before it's due
Would accelerating through time be measured in seconds per second per second?
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone renounced violence forever? I could then conquer the whole stupid planet with just a butter knife.
Writers get in shape by pumping irony.
Writer's Rule #2: About those sentence fragments.
WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
WYTYSYDG: What You Thought You Saw, You Didn't Get
Xerox never comes up with anything original anymore.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Y chromosones: the Goddess' way of keeping things mildly interesting.
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Yes, I am looking to steal some Babylon 5 tag lines.
Yes, my child, 2400 baud was once high speed ....
Yes, my child, a 10 meg hard drive was once really big ....
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
You are nobody until you have been ignored by a cat.
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 
You can do anything thou wilt at Aleister's Restaurant.
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal.
You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You can't be a figment of my imagination -- I'd have done a better job.
You can't be late until you show up.
"You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water." -- Rabindranath Tagore
You can tell how desperate they are by counting the number of times they say "innovate" in their press releases.
You can't frighten me, I'm a coward, I'm always scared.
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in. -- Arlo Guthrie
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
You can't lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling...
You can't make a program without broken egos.
You can't make everyone happy, so concentrate on me.
You can't scare me. I have children.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
You go to heaven...God sneezes... What do you say?
You have a fine personality... but not for a human.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
You have to be sharp to be on the cutting edge.
You have two choices for dinner: Take it or Leave it.
You know it's a bad morning when you get up out of bed and miss the floor.
You know it's going to be a bad day when.... you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
You know you are addicted to fanfic when you get plot bunnies from a Jetta comercial.
You laugh just like the angels dancing on the head of the pin jabbed into my mind's eye.
You look like a million dollars. All in loose change.
You look like something the cat refused to drag in.
You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?
"You might say that,....Or you might say that, as a tac officer, he needed four astro fixes, a hyper log, approach radar, and a dirtside flight controller with full computer support just to find his backside with both hands. On a good day." -- Honor Harrington
You must not think me necessarily foolish because I am facetious, nor will I consider you necessarily wise because you are grave. -- Sydney Smith
You need professional help. May I suggest Jack Kevorkian?
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
"You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him." - Martin Luther King 
You - Off my planet
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
Your computer may beat you at chess...but not at kickboxing!
"You're a postive person? No, *I'm* a positive person! You're like Santa Claus, on Prozac...getting laid, at Disneyland!" -- Phoebe on Friends
"You're just a suppository of useful information, aren't you?" -- End User Phrase of the Day @ Tech Support Comedy, 22 Nov 2005
You're just jealous because the voices talk to ME...
Your email has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
You're never alone with schizophrenia.
You're not losing more hair, you're gaining more scalp.
You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
"You're not very smart. I like that in a man." -- Kathleen Turner, Body Heat
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person.
Your horoscope: Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to flail about wildly.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to sing "I'm a Little Teapot" in an erotic manner.
Your sister dates a webmaster.
Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!
You shouldn't let your mind wander.  It's too little to be off by itself!
You sound reasonable. Time to up your medication.
Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age.
Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
You took my breath away.  Now I want it back.
You've been a bad girl.  Go to my room.
You've certainly got smooth skin - between the wrinkles, that is.
You want computer jokes? Ok: IBM, NEC, DEC, Microsoft...
You were destined to read this tagline at this moment.
You will never be younger than you are today.
"You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
ZenCrafters - Total enlightenment, in about an hour.
Zen Hugs: The hugs that you would get, if we were there, if we could hug you, but we aren't, and we can't.